I think I may be in love for the first time in my life. The guy is physically interested. Nothing physical has happened between us yet, and I don't know whether I should spare myself the pain and not pursue this, because he claims to be polyamorous. He says he doesn't want to be owned by anyone. I don't want to own him. I want him to breathe and live, and feel free. The one thing I 100% do NOT want to do is change him. If he says he is polyamorous then I respect that. But I don't know how I would deal with jealousy. I can imagine this feeling of being 'disposed of' once he gets bored of my body (Am I overthinking this?)
He knows that I have had girlfriends in the past, so he imagines I would be open to threesomes. But those relationships, even though homosexual, were always monogamous, and the idea of polyamory is completely fresh to me. Also, I've never been so painfully can't-sleep-can't-concentrate in love before, which makes me think I may in the future have a serious problem with jealousy. He says that jealousy is drilled into us by indoctrination, and I keep telling him that I believe it's an instinct. How else do you explain the fact that small children and even animals display jealous behaviours?
- JaneLv 71 month ago
Your post suggests that the matter of polyamory is mainly focused on sexual activity rather than relationships more broadly. You are concerned that he may lose interest in you physically, and that he is interested in your past sexual experience only because he is interested in threesomes.
Don't get overly concerned with the jealousy thing, this is often raised within polyamory discussions. Focus more on your dreams and ideas about what you want your life to be, taking into account your beliefs, values and past experience ( both useful and the ones that get in the way). Stay open to new ideas, new and everyday people.
And whatever you do, stay grounded within yourself. You can enjoy sex with him and emerge, still you.
- Anonymous1 month ago
Tell your man you want cunnilingus but no penetration.
- Anonymous2 months ago
Polyamory is a bunch of bull. Find a man who loves you and you only. Not one who wants to canoodle with various women.
- T JLv 72 months ago
Go find a man who wants you and only you. You cannot have a good life with him. Get rid of him now. Find a guy who wants a husband.
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- FoofaLv 72 months ago
Most people aren't cut out for polyamory but this guy doesn't even seem to understand what that means. In real polyamorous relationships you're supposed to stay "monogamous" to your relationship, regardless of how many people are in it. This guy just sounds like he doesn't really want a relationship at all. I do get the irritation of some guys assuming all bisexual woman are polyamorous. Been there and it's dead annoying.
- Anonymous2 months ago
You are right, it's he who is indoctrinated, and you will suffer grief if you have a sexual relationship with him. Jealousy will appear within the first three occasions of love-making. I am very experienced and know what I'm talking about.
- StrandLv 72 months ago
You need to move on. It doesn't matter how great he is on paper, you two are fundamentally incompatible. An open relationship isn't something you settle for because you are afraid to lose someone. Everyone involved needs to be certain it's what they want and happy with the terms. You say you respect that he his poly and would never want to change him, but he doesn't respect your desire for monogamy and has no problem pressuring you to change for him. It is a giant red flag that he is telling you that your feelings are wrong and ignoring your discomfort with this. He isn't special. Everything you love about him can be found in someone who shares your values and wants to commit. I think in your gut you already know this, don't trust infatuation over your intuition.
- choko_canyonLv 72 months ago
I've been in your exact situation, although in my case the one I was in love with was a woman, not a man. In any case, our relationship worked out just fine until my partner indulged her polyamory and slept with someone else. At that point I realized how absolutely thoroughly I was not fit to be polyamorous. I couldn't deal with her having sex with someone else, and had no interest in having sex with anyone else myself. The relationship ended badly, with mutual recrimination. While I don't regret the relationship I had with her while it worked, I also don't regret ending it when it became, inevitably, excruciatingly painful. My only regret is that I walked into it believing that she wouldn't have sex with someone else if she was with me, and I was wrong. As for the bisexuality, you're 100% right and he's 100% wrong. Jealousy is innate; a part of our evolution and bio-psychological makeup. You can fight it, as you can fight most evolutionary traits, but it's still innate. Best of luck to you.