Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 2 months ago

It’s bothering me that the guy I’m dating is constantly in contact with his ex wife . You don’t think he loves her do you ?

We are both 37. He said he was with his wife for 7 years.  He divorced 4 months ago and we started Seeing each other month ago. We aren’t exclusive but both of us have made it known that we aren’t trying to see anyone else. We’ve been really focused on each other. We talk on the phone and text 24/7 and we’ve been on several dates. We had sex and the sex was amazing and made me draw closer to him. I feel really connected and in tune with him. He is extremely attractive and has an amazing mindset. It’s actually crazy me and him met. He said that his ex pointed out that there was a pretty girl online he would probably be interested in and from there we started talking. I’m really falling hard for this man and i believe he’s falling hard for me to. But he did say he is still friends with his ex wife which bothered me a little bit because they don’t have kids so what do they have to even talk about? He said he doesn’t want me to worry about her. He said she’s a good person despite everything and she wouldn’t try to come between us. He doesn’t this... but when he was showering I went through his phone just to see what they talk about...and I saw a text from him that said “ I really like her. She reminds me a lot of you. It’s almost like I have a second chance with you by being with her. It’s crazy how much y’all have in common.” And she wrote back “ I’m happy you found someone special.” And then he said “ I’m never cutting you lose as a friend.”

Update:

Then she said “you sure that girl will be okay with us being friends.” And he was like “ she’ll be ok we aren’t doing anything wrong.”

Update 2:

I feel crappy he was comparing me to her also and saying I reminded him of her: what was the point of him saying that 

4 Answers

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  • i + i
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Your expectations are not very realistic. 

    You are what's known as the "rebound". 

    The odds of the relationship turning into 

    anything that truly lasts are rather slim. 

  • David
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

    OK, the rule of thumb is...after a break-up (or divorce) you need at least 1/3rd as much time to get over it, as you were in it.  Assuming your guy was with his wife for a couple of years BEFORE he married her (which would be a wise idea) then that means he was with that girl for at least 9 years.  So do that Math, and you see that your man will be ready to start dating again no earlier than July of 2023.  That is because he would have to wait three years after the divorce was finalized, to mentally prepare to enter another serious relationship.  It is OK for a guy to start dating right after divorce, but any girl he's dating would be the rebound chick.  

    Now, there are exceptions.  Sometimes you are stuck in a loveless marriage (which is very sad) for many years.  So by the time you get the divorce decree (which is just a piece of paper) you could have been emotionally ready to start dating again YEARS before that point.  But we know that this exception does NOT apply to your guy, because he's still in contact with *her* on a daily basis.  And he's still worried about losing her...even if they kid themselves that they are "just friends" now.

    You are in a no-win situation, dear.  In his heart, you would always be competing with his "ex".  If HE wanted to leave her in his past, then he would immediately cut off all contact with her.  And from that point, he might (just MIGHT) be ready to start dating again in about 3 years or so, starting right now.

    But he's not even willing to cut off contact with her.  Best bet?  She'll always be a part of his life.  He will never be ready to make a commitment to another woman.

    RUN, don't walk...RUN

  • Ana
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

    Sorry but if you’re not exclusive, or even officially in a relationship with this guy (shown on Facebook etc), then you aren’t dating this guy- you and this guy have nothing. You’re just f*uckbuddies.

    He’s just using you to get a reaction out of her, and to have sexual variety.

    I recommend cutting him loose and finding a guy who’s truly single and isn’t hung up on his exes 

  • 2 months ago

    Yes, he probably still loves her but is not "in love" with her. If they only divorced recently (within the last year) and spent many years together, he may not really be "over" her yet. The bad outweighed the good, I guess, and that's why they're not together (have you asked him why he got divorced?) but that doesn't change the fact that he probably loved her very much, at some point, and that sort of feeling doesn't just magically disappear when papers are signed. It sounds like they split amicably and have decided to remain friends. Nothing wrong with that. But now that you're a part of it... well, you'll have to figure out if you want to remain. Personally, I don't know if I'd like feeling like a "second place" substitute for the woman he couldn't have. Maybe if you talk to him more about why they split up, and why he's eager to try again so soon (4 months after a divorce seems like "rebound" territory), you'll find the answers you need. 

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