Why can’t I talk to men as a bisexual woman?

I am a bisexual female in her early twenties. Growing up I was only attracted to boys and men but around 12 years old my mom went through my phone and caught me talking to a much older boy. I got my phone taken away and it escalated into me having to move in with another relative for the remainder of my childhood. At about 13 years old I found myself attracted to women and exclusively dated women from then on. I find men attractive but I have a very short span of patience with them, I find it difficult to maintain conversations, hang out with them alone, and pretty much everything else social with them. It’s almost like they’re a completely different co existing species and I don’t really interact with or trust them at all. Does my childhood situation have anything to do with me not being able to date or get close to men now? I’ve never had a boyfriend and am interested but I can’t seem to bring myself to it. How to i fix or better this situation?

4 Answers

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  • 1 month ago

    It is a congenital condition. (developed before birth!)

  • Mike A
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    Speaking as a bisexual man, I can tell you that boys and men can be tough to talk to. The fact that many of them try your patience is because you're used to the gender that grew up with higher expectations. Men grew up with a lot of "boys will be boys" excuses. The ones who are worthwhile, shook that notion off years ago and decided to actually be worthwhile people. The rest of them just kinda figure they're special boys who just have to exist, and one day a hot girl will be theirs. So they don't try to better themselves as hard as many girls and women do. 

    I say keep your short patience. You have nothing to gain from excusing obnoxious behavior from someone who's relying on that thing that makes him a boy to also make him a man. The biggest thing to consider is what qualities your exes have had, that they lack. Personality traits, lifestyle choices, how they treat people in need. Things like that. Being a practicing bisexual, I can tell you that men and women are very different in some ways, but in a lot of the same ways, they're alike. Both should be functioning adults with manners, class, good hygiene, who take care of themselves to a standard that matches your own. A positive direction in life is also a plus. 

    I would make sure that all the standards you set are realistic, and that you are not setting your standards prohibitively high. Be sure that you are able to live up to your own standards. Many guys seem to think that they're doing good in life because they work a comfy job and they're mostly on top of their bills. But does anyone want to date an underpaid cashier who hopes to one day make supervisor for the slight pay bump? 

    One suggestion I have for you is to just make friends with more guys. Steer clear of the ones who try to steer the friendship towards dating, and just take some time to learn how guys think. Watch for guys who talk to you like you're a person instead of a pair of boobs with a butt. Find fun people to do fun stuff with. The genuine people will just enjoy your company and let you relax and enjoy theirs. 

    The thing you should be sure of when connecting with people, especially guys, is if you are looking for connections or are you looking for experiences. If you want to try romance with a guy, and don't want to get intimate with him until you're sure the relationship is serious, be upfront if a guy tries to take things there. If you are looking for some hetero sex experience, and want to really just explore straight sex for a while to just see if it's a fit for you, be honest about that. There are guys out there who are looking for connections, and there are guys who are looking for experiences. I'm not going to say there's no overlap between the two, but everyone has a direction they lean in. You cannot sway this direction, no matter how much you want to, just like no guy you've met so far has been able to sway you.

    So, speaking as a bisexual man, when I notice interest in a guy, I make it a point to feel him out before I get attached. I try to figure out what he likes, what he hates, what really excites him, what makes him angry and how he handles his anger. In fact, I wait until I see him angry a time or two. I feel him out for other red flags, like how he talks about his exes, how he is with other men and women in his life, as men and women respectively. How he talks about his friends when they aren't around. Does he talk about enemies as if having enemies is a perfectly normal thing? Does he take responsibility for his actions or does he blame all his problems on other people?

    I know that all this is a lot to deal with. A lot of questions to ask, and it probably sounds like a lot of work. But I can tell you that it's only going to feel like a chore with people you aren't compatible with. As a species, we statistically cross paths with people we are compatible with constantly. It just all depends on if both peoples' levels of readiness mesh. It will lead to a relaxed, natural connection. How compatible you are with someone will determine the level of success when it comes to pursuing the relationship they are looking for. If it's right, it'll feel like it's a good idea. You won't hesitate. You'll feel condident and even excited. But if you're not feeling it, just veer off. That way you aren't wasting each others' time. 

    And that's the best advice I can give. 

  • 1 month ago

    Maybe the age gap could have something to do with my father? He was not around while I was growing up. I did have an amazing support system though. When my mom (actually my grandmother, she raised me) found out i was talking to the boy she reacted very negatively. I was 12 or 13 and he was 18. It’s understandable that a mother would be angry and frustrated but even today I feel like she over reacted. Literally overnight I was removed from my childhood home, my phone was taken, I switched schools, and moved to another town. That was the last time I remember being genuinely attracted to a male. 

    I am 22 and have been living completely independently since I was 19. Even now it feels like men could breathe the wrong way and I’m no longer interested. Flirtatious or romantic conversations never make it past more than a day. 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Yeah, especially since you bring it up, what happened as a child could very well be a factor in how you're interacting with males.  First of all, you were talking to a much older boy, maybe there's nothing really there, but it could be indicative or your being an easy target in manipulation and abuse for some unknown reason (maybe your avoiding that is part of why you're not really interacting with males).  Then, there's the whole trauma of how your mom reacted (we learn from how adults react to things, they lead by example, we absorb that like a sponge, unconsciously, this is about shadow work, trying to become aware of unconscious triggers within us).  Try meditating.  As you meditate, go back to that moment in time, as an adult, talk/think to your child self...  See if you can help her understand how to better cope with what all happened, not just how maybe there's something to why you were talking to an older boy (i have a feeling that going to be addressed much later), but mainly, your mom, and your having to move.  That must've been very stressful for you.

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