Do you have to be in love with your husband?

Couple months ago I seperated from my husband, a possessive jealous husband of 16 yrs, we have 2 kids. I loved my husband enough to put up with him even after he cheated and had a child with another woman. He promised to change hus ways, which he did only on the cheating part. But he kept controlling me, and being possessive n jealous. Couldn’t have friends, always accussed me with co workers. I decided to end my marriage, i moved out got my own place. Now he is begging me to take him back, he says i took his kids away from him, he says he loves me so much, n he will treat me like a queen. I never stopped him from seeing his kids he can see them every week, i just dont want him anymore, i am not in love with him, i care bout him, but the love part as a husband is long gone. I have a crush on someone, but i will never start a relationship with someone else when i am still technically married, and mentally i am not ready. Now i feel guilty having feelings for someone else, for not being in love with my soon to b ex husband. He is changing, but its too late. I want to b in love if i am with someone, is it wrong to feel this way? Am i a mean person??

8 Answers

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  • 3 weeks ago
    Favourite answer

    Anita, after 16 years of an unhappy marriage I cannot see any reason why you'd want to return to it. He's cheated on you, has been overly dominating while keeping you from having friends, etc. He's certainly had his chance. You need to think about the remainder of your life and making it a pleasant one.

  • 3 weeks ago

    People that are controlling can change, but if he does are you going to be happy? You are not a bad person for wanting to move on. Moving on from a toxic relationship shows strength. 

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    3 weeks ago

    Get yourselves into some counseling to discuss this. That level of coercive control in a relationship can escalate into physical violence. Whether you try to stay together or not, working with a professional will help you navigate things even if it's just to better handle the divorce. But in terms of love, mature love isn't the kind that creates butterflies in the stomach. Once you're married with kids your love is more of a mutual respect and fondness based on shared life priorities and goals. 

  • 3 weeks ago

    Time to go... RUN!

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  • 4 weeks ago

    I can't imagine life with someone like that being preferable to doing your own thing. I'd 1000x rather be single than controlled and treated like someone's possession. 

  • T J
    Lv 5
    4 weeks ago

    Never stay with a cheater, because they will do it again. They never learn, because you allowed it.

  • 4 weeks ago

    You did very well to put up with him for so long! You didn't take his kids from him - he did that himself, and anyway he has another one now!

    You have no need to feel guilty about developing feelings for another person. but you are sensible to give it a bit of time. I'd be wary of taking your husband back: People do change, of course, but the concern is that if you do, he'll take that as permission to control you again eventually. 

    Good Luck!

  • Jerry
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    Please approach dating with an attitude of "Take it slow, go with the flow, wait and see what happens" rather then with your current attitude of "I want to be in love." 

    Women who "want to be in love" are unhappy most of the time. Either she's NOT paired up with anybody and is unhappy about that. Or she's with somebody she got serious about way too fast and is unhappy that he's not so wonderful after all. And when it's over with Mr. Not-So-Wonderful, does she celebrate? NOOOO, she's unhappy about that too!

    Just be happy to be out of bad relationship and stifle that compulsion to get into another relationship. 

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