Can anyone add to my story?
The sky, the wind, and the rain were at war, battering against the run down building so forcefully I wondered if It’s crumbling walls could stand up against them. When the brawling thunder blasted the boarded up windows again, I jumped and fell back into the rations behind me.. There was a loud crashing noise, but the rain outside clearly muffled it. I’m 14 and i’m still scared of thunder. Great. I sigh as I take out my logbook, and write in, “November 13, 2006. Today the rain poured across the town, at least all the plants are watered. Even in November, the military still haven’t protruded out of their ‘Atomic Bunkers’ since they moved in, from what I know. Lastly It is now a year since the murders took place, and I haven't seen anyone here since my last birthday.” I tuck my notebook in my backpack, and I grab my sword. I am tempted to grab my huge backpack, but I hear a whisper like you’d hear in a horror movie.
- bluebellbkkLv 71 month ago
Sigh, yet *another* teen wannabe writer who doesn't understand about mixing tenses in a narrative.
Look. You began with were, blasted, jumped, wondered, fell, was and muffled. All Past tense.
Then the diary bit, in Present - that's fine, it's your diary and you're writing what's going on now.But when you switchED from the diary back to the narrative, you continueD with tuck, grab, am and hear - all Present tense. WHY OH WHY OH WHY???
- Sir CausticLv 71 month ago
I sure can. Here goes...
".... And then a meteorite came crashing down and killed everyone. The End."
In fact, it's probably a good idea to delete all the cr@p you wrote and just use my line. Hope this helped.
- CogitoLv 71 month ago
If I added any content, it wouldn't be YOUR story any more, would it?
I could add correct spelling and punctuation, but it would be more helpful if you spent some time learning how to do that for yourself.
- samLv 51 month ago
and then I woke up and it was all a dream.
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- AndrewLv 71 month ago
If I were to do so, it wouldn't be "your" story anymore, would it? And there's a difference between *it's* and *its.*
- 1 month ago
The whisper was super creepy and weird, like if Zeus came down from Olympus and he had something important to say, but someone had just kicked him in the nuts so he couldn't talk right.