Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 4 weeks ago

Should I do all the housework while he works? ?

My boyfriend and I just had a disagreement. We’ve been living together for 9 months. But I feel like I have to do everything around the house and I get to irritated with it! I quit my job in July to focus on my business but I still pull my own financial weight. I still pay half of the bills. But I cook and clean while he’s at work. He works sometimes from 6am to 6pm (2 different jobs). So it’s understandable that he’s tired and doesn’t want to do anything. But I’m also having a hard day of working , building my business. Sometimes I just don’t do things, just to see if he will, such as cleaning the tub or maybe the dishes. And he won’t. He has way more Landry than me because he changes 4x a day (he works at a gym in the morning and later afternoon, and in the office during the day). So he will do a load of his laundry and maybe throw a few of my shirts in to not seem selfish. I have tried talking to him to see if he can pitch in a little more with cleaning and cooking and he says “I’ll do it on sundays” but by Sunday, the house is clean and there is nothing for him to do. What should I do? Am I being selfish or unreasonable? Any advise would be appreciated 

11 Answers

  • 3 weeks ago

    I totally understand where you're coming from. However, he's not doing anything because he knows that you're going to do it.

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    3 weeks ago

    You can choose to do that or not. But if you can't make this work when you're just dating you definitely shouldn't be talking about marriage. This is the period during which you decide whether you could stand to live together for life. 

  • 4 weeks ago

    What happens when two people live together and have entirely different lifestyle and housekeeping inclinations is that the person who is the "clean freak" of the pair ends up doing a vast amount more housekeeping because it matters more to them. As a person who is driven to make money will spend the lump of their time dedicated to making money. I don't think you "should" do all the housework! Not at all. But the person most driven to do housework in a relationship is most often the person who does far more of it. I don't think you are unreasonable or selfish or wrong. Woulda coulda. Leave something for him to do on Sundays! 

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    I think N2mama hit it on the head - you likely have cleaner standards than he does. My first wife wanted to clean the entire house every week (we both worked and were out of the house most of the week) but it had to be done. Nothing I hate more than cleaning for the SAKE of cleaning. Cleaning something that is dirty - and seeing it shine afterwards is actually rewarding, polishing a shine is NOT. Try letting the dirt build up and find his tolerance level where he cleans without being told. 

    Anyway long store shortened- got divorced (other reasons) and eventually married someone who is not OCD about house cleaning - works great the house is cleaned when it is worthwhile but not disgusting and happy marriage for the last 25 years. 

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  • Embery
    Lv 4
    4 weeks ago

    That depends, if you're a woman, you should just be quiet and know your role. If you're a man you're a beta so quit whining.

  • 4 weeks ago

    If he's willing to help at weekends - then leave something for him to do...

  • n2mama
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    I think there are a couple of things likely at play here. First, you may not have the same standards when it comes to what is clean versus dirty. So you think the floor is dirty after a couple of days and needs to be vacuumed 3x a week, he thinks once a week would be plenty. And since it bothers you first, you clean it first, so nothing ever gets to his level of “dirty” to where he feels he needs to clean it. Second is the fact that you are home physically while he is working out of the house. You are there, you are seeing it, and you decide to do something about it, because otherwise being in the house and looking at that pile of dishes or dirty toilet is going to bother you. He isn’t home as much, he doesn’t see it all the time, and he is less bothered by it. 

    None of that is bad or right or wrong, it’s just how it is when two people live together. Now the question is how do you deal with it. First I’d suggest figuring out exactly what chores need doing, and agree of the frequency of them. Decide if you can let the majority of the chores go to a frequency of once a week, so you can both do them together on Sundays. Obviously things like dishes and laundry may need to be more often, so agree you will each do your own laundry as necessary and either take turns with the dishes or agree that whoever cooks, the other one cleans up. You may have to fight yourself back from doing something that he is supposed to do if he doesn’t just because you want it done. If you continue to do it, he never will. 

    Another option would be to hire someone to clean once a week and split the cost. You could also decide to do this after you try the other way and he doesn’t step up and do his part. If he has a problem with paying someone else to clean because he thinks you should do it, you’ll find out the truth soon enough.

  • 4 weeks ago

    In order to enjoy each others' company more in a leisurely manner, hire a cleaner for as much as you can afford, splitting the cost equally.

  • 4 weeks ago

    If he doesn't contribute to the housework now, don't have kids with him, you will be doing it all for the rest of your life.

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    This isn't about which one of you is right or wrong.

    Two people in a committed relationship are supposed to work together as a team to identify and resolve conflict in a way that works for both of you.   It appears that you both lack these basic relationship skills.   You need to learn them or you will *never* have a successful relationship.

    Seek couples therapy; go learn and practice these skills together.   Even if you don't stay together, you will benefit from what you learn for the rest of your life. 

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