Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 month ago

My wife always throws my mistakes in my face every week. Mistakes that were from two months ago, 2 years ago and even from five years ago.?

She always brings it up. And say that they are just examples. I haven't had peace and my relationship with her the two years we've been married. And we have a baby together. Now she says things are awkward between us actually. And if I try to do romantic she's reluctant. She said first we need to work on respect. I say okay I'm sorry for everything to pass your sorry for everything past that goes forward and respect one another from now on. And she still reluctant and still hold on to the hurt. What else is there to do?

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  • 1 month ago
    Favourite answer

    So this is by definition a toxic personality trait - if you forgive someone - it is forgiven. You don't throw it back in their faces months later. Micro-aggressions like these are EXACTLY the reason so many couple end a relationship. It's the subtle little digs - the making you feel bad all the time - it slowly starts to grind away at you and it's not good for your mental health. 

    I think you have to repeat this EVERY TIME she brings this up. Also, bare in mind this sounds similar to anxiety - it sounds like she overthinks things and so while you're sat at home munching on a dominoes she is thinking about the time you accidentally said "Debra" in bed (honestly I don't know what you saw in Debra either).

    Overall though dude you can't let these little things pass otherwise they will eat you both up - you need to address it every time - express your feelings - if you hold it in she'll sense that something is off and that is where you get these awkward feelings from. It's because you both know there are things to address but you aren't addressing them. Good luck man!   

  • P
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    I think a lot of women in my experience have trouble moving past certain mistakes and you certainly seem to have married one.  While the specifics of what happened matter it sounds like you married someone who is expecting a lot more of you than you are able to provide.  You are probably apologizing too much for certain things that may just be ingrained in your personality which can embolden her in the wrong ways.  Some women demand to be almost worshiped and served, but then hate the emasculated version of the man that ends up producing. Others almost act like immature teenagers making poor life decisions, but loathe being "parented" as their spouse tries to do things the "right" way.    You have to treat her as an equal and let her make her own decisions even if that sometimes doesn't work out as the best decision.  I find things like separate bank accounts can help with financial communication related stress of marriage, since it forces both of you to be involved.     Marriage counseling often is the only peaceful way to come to a good resolution.  Otherwise some women start to come around when they realize the threat of divorce is real, but it's extremely risky since she may just seek a lawyer rather than reconciliation.  

  • 4 weeks ago

    It could depend on what your mistakes were, were they major 1s or just minor things. Sounds like you made a major mistake when you married her and then another 1 when you gave her a baby. I think you should tell her if she is going to keep bringing this up all the time then you are going to have to split because you can't live with it for the rest of your life. There comes a time to be done with things and it seems to me it has come for you. She's not going to change unless you do something drastic. I would love to hear her point of view on this.

  • 4 weeks ago

    She's insecure, She still has it in the back of her mind that you are going to hurt her again, My husband told me that I wouldn't have to worry about him being with prostitutes anymore and then boom he still does it smh, Anyways, what you have to do is reassure her that you are a changed man and that you have matured since the mistakes happened. Make her feel wanted, make her feel needed, make her feel beautiful, Because all she wants is that reassurance and once you keep giving that to her you won't have to worry about it anymore. You have to built your trust back up with her because trust is built in droplets but lost in buckets. Good Luck my friend  

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  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    maybe you shouldnt be with her then

  • 4 weeks ago

    It sounds like she has a lot of resentment for you. Give her a real, adult apology. Talk about the specific things you’ve done in the past that were wrong. Admit that you have not been as respectful as you should’ve been but you want to try your best to make it up to her. Then ask her for a chance to let you prove it.

    My ex boyfriend was very disrespectful and I built up resentment after just four months. I tried my hardest to communicate with him, tried so many different ways of dealing with it and nothing worked because he didn’t see what he was doing was wrong. All I needed was for him to ADMIT

  • 4 weeks ago

    Its called DIVORCE... child support is cheaper than living with the complaining beatch..

  • 4 weeks ago

    This sort of thing is actually very common in troubled marriages.  When married couples forget how to resolve conflict in their marriages and instead sweep them under the rug, they get stored up in our heads.  When it gets too crowded with more stuff some of the old stuff leaks out and surfaces in your lives.

    Despite you and your wife's best efforts, you can't just dismiss it all or even forgive each other for the past.  And you certainly can't romance it away either.  It doesn't work like that.  Each conflict must be addressed or you will be destined for the same crap the rest of your lives together.

    Seek marriage counseling/couples counseling to learn how to resolve conflict.  It doesn't take that long and it sounds like she has a lot of stored up examples to address with the the therapist.  If you belong to a church, often clergy provides such counseling for free.  Good Luck.

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    maybe you shouldnt be with her then

  • 1 month ago

    Your wife is unhappy, and blames you. She throws accusations and blame at you, and you accept it, reinforcing her habit of blaming you for everything. The more she blames you, and the more you accept it, then the more she will see you as a cowardly weak doormat. Stop trying to appease her, stop taking the blame for everything. Stand up for yourself, let her know she cannot keep blaming you for everything. You really shouldn't have brought a child into this mess, either. 

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