Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 5 months ago

Have you ever told a family member to “take a break” from visiting you (or have you ever been told that)?

I am in my 40s and went to stay with my parents, at their request, twice during the coronavirus lockdown, for a week at a time.

When I got back to my home (which I recently bought) after the second visit, my mother emailed me, saying, 

“We enjoyed your visit and appreciate your kindness.  But we’re fine and don’t need anyone to run errands for us or the like.  Why don’t you take a break from visiting, save your money and instead spend time in your new home?”

To me, that’s a nice way of saying that I shouldn’t visit in the near future.  They drove me crazy during the visits and I suspect that I drove them crazy, too, so they don’t want another visit.

Have you been told something like that or have you told a family member something like that?

Update:

What I don’t like is for my parents to demand that I visit them for an extended period and then, when the visits are done, to say that I shouldn’t visit.  Keep the instructions consistent!

Update 2:

My parents called, crying, and demanded that I come stay at their home, indefinitely, during the coronavirus lockdown (my city was a hot spot then).  They flipped out when I left after a week and demanded that I return, which I did for another week.

Update 3:

I am so angry at them that I never want to see them again.  

31 Answers

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  • 5 months ago

    Yes my parents tell me that all the time but Im only 28.

  • 5 months ago

    No I haven't....and I never will. If my family needs me I dont care. There are just some things more important than living.

  • 5 months ago

    Yes, I have experienced similar & it stung. First, in younger years, a family member with an unruly 3 year old who was kicked out of 3 ritzy child care centers for attacking other children, teachers, etc asked me to fly to her state & tend to her child(with pay)and help out with errands. I left my life to help her as a good relative would. Her husband started coming to the living room to pour drinks & watch TV with me while she was asleep. I was also coming to their house from errands walking into conflicts. After a couple months(shorter than I was led to believe or I would not have dropped things to move there and move back what felt like 2 seconds later), she became pregnant, thanked me for helping out & said she thought it was time I went back home. I apologized for "wearing out my welcome." She explained, I did not & said they had it under control now. They divorced 2 years later. 

    In your parent's situation, I think it could be they felt older in the experience of you helping them out than they felt in their hearts & minds. When how one feels about ones self is not congruent with how one is experiencing the world(daughter helping out thereby feeling like the roles of parent/child are reveresed), one eliminates the object that is incongruent, you in their home. 

    Yes, I think they love you to pieces. Yes, I think it became uncomfortable for all due to change. Change is hard to embrace. Especially, during uncertainty like a pandemic with no cure & disease that is invisibly spreading itself. So, you being in their home was fine, then they changed their minds. Maybe even after having felt more comfortable with the virus and therefore more comfortable with you fending on your own in your own house.

    Yes, this would still hurt my feelings initially. However, I would try to reshape my thinking to see that parents are just people. Meaning, they aren't super human. They have feelings, preferences, opinions that differ from ours, change their minds, renege on plans, & ask children to return home when they want things to go back how they were.

    Life, is short is not a cliche. It really is and u find this out when u lose someone without getting to say how much you loved them and didnt get to do the things u dreamed of doing with them because they were taken away before you expected. I would tell them it hurt my feelings, because that is just the kind of person I am. I would listen to their response to that statement. Then acknowledge I understand and will give them space(even tho it was their darned idea for u to come). I'd let them contact me after that and just live my life...responding to them when they reach out, but not initiating for a while. 

  • 5 months ago

    Everyone has their bad habits, that annoys others.  Things we do in our own home we usually never would never do in others homes, but when we stay more than a few days we sometimes forget where we are, or our best behaviors start to slip a little. Even though you went home for a while, you are still were a little more relaxed from your last visit.  So both you and your parents annoying habits.are like  tipping water fall, where water drips until enough tips it. Obviously, your parents were scared and needed you. And may still do. Their need for you being there could be over, or they may have gotten the impression, you did not want to be there, so instead of letting you feel guilty of not coming back, they could be giving you an out.  Ask yourself did you do like my brother does.  He offered to store my trailer at his house, but after a month he would call or talk at gathering how he was doing me such a big favor, like he wanted me to thank him again and again over and over.   Not a week would go by he would not mention how he was helping me.  Either wanting me to thank him again, or complaining how a big inconvenience, it is for him to keep the trailer on his property.  Did you complain or say things that made your parents feel, like you did not really want to be there.  If you do not want to visit, which you kind of said, but you went anyways. So if you do not want to visit, and they say they do not need you to come, you both win.   If you made it known you did not want to visit them, made them feel like it was bothering you to have to stay with them.  You might need to apologize.  to your parents.    

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  • Anonymous
    5 months ago

    the first was not unusual, independence you realise. the last made it sound like you'all are constipated and might need some fresh vegatables and hard exercise, or maybe some work. haveyou pulled a plow lately or have your parents?

    have you seen your overseer and gotten permission to leave the fields? you bodies may be talkin sayin ye needs to get back to yer plowin!

  • J P
    Lv 4
    5 months ago

    I could be wrong, but I think assertiveness training is in order. Your parents are acting like control freaks and the only way to address that is for you to learn to take the reins with a reasonable level of assertiveness. (Be gentle! They aren't used to it.)

  • ?
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    they could be stressed out and simply want a short break.

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    maybe they felt guilty you were spending so much money or time doing stuff for them

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    I have a relative so freaked out about COVID-19 that he's banned us all from visiting. 

  • ?
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    As I live like 2,000 miles from my nearest family, not a problem.

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