What is wrong with me?
There are times when I don’t really feel anything. And lately, those have been the good times. The bad times are when my emotions just go haywire. It’s like I’m feeling everything that has every happened to me (good and bad) all at once, and just as strong as when it first happened. I’ve been having panic attacks daily, and there are times when I find myself screaming at myself. And, even when it’s happening, I know I shouldn’t, but the more I try to stop, the more intense it gets. I’ve done increasingly stupid things, just to try and get some form of relief, but it’s like, even when I do have a moment where things seem better, it just gets worse than it was before shortly after. I’m afraid of everything. I can’t even call people by their name. I can say it if I’m talking to someone else about them, but I can’t say it when talking to the person themself. Any time I’m around someone I don’t know, I shut down completely. I start shaking, I can’t look at them, and I even start to feel cold. Anytime I have any semblance of relief, without meaning to, or knowing I’m doing it, until it’s done, I’ll remind myself of something bad that’s happened at some point. Usually someone’s death, even if they’ve been dead for years, and it feels like it just happened. Truthfully, I don’t seem to be able to get over anything. Any time I think of anything that’s ever happened, it’s like it just happened. It feels like I’m still a little kid.
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