How do I know if I want to get married or if I just have "wedding fever"?

I am 20 years old, and so of course, half of the people I associate with in some way are getting engaged and married.

I'm in a relationship that's going quite swimmingly, but logically, I know I haven't been with my partner for an ideal amount of time to be married yet.

I think about a future with him quite a bit, and he passively brings up questions to me about what I'd want my future wedding to be like, general questions about sharing a life together, and even what kind of engagement ring I would prefer to receive.

We have loose but relatively set plans to move in together at some point once he finishes his degree and starts his career, and once I get a better job while continuing school. We've already decided that cohabiting is something we'd like to try.

We are not engaged, but I do feel like I want to and could spend a very, very long time with him. The thought of him proposing to me makes me very happy, but logically, I know we probably shouldn't be engaged any time soon.

For future times, as well as right now, how do I know when I actually want to get married, as opposed to just being influenced by the excitement of my social counterparts being engaged and married, similar to "baby fever," but "wedding fever"?

8 Answers

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  • Jerry
    Lv 7
    1 month ago
    Favourite answer

    Are either of you are living with parents or family just now? If the living together thing didn't work out well, would both you and Partner be able to return to your old home with parents or family? If both of you can easily handle a "living together isn't for us" result and can do so in a covid-safe way, go ahead and try it. 

    Living together and engagement are similar in that both should be a kind of "marriage lite," a discovery of what day-in-day-out sharing space and what dealing with responsibilities (financial, family, household) will be like with this person. Engagement is a kind of weeding out process of "We're going to get really really close and serious for a while, as close and serious as we can be without actually marrying, so that we're as knowledgeable as we can be of what it is we're getting into." 

    This is why it's important to not think of engagement as some few months of wedding planning, a lovely whirl of engagement party, dress shopping, bridesmaid proposals, showers, planning and choosing for a wonderful party that's all about YOU. This is Wedding Industry bull biscuit, designed to eliminate the "weeding out" process which is the very purpose of engagement. 

    "logically, I know we probably shouldn't be engaged any time soon"

    Logically is there some compelling reason you two should NOT be engaged? I know couples who live together, who are very public about their intention to marry, who expecte to be treated like married/engaged couples rather than a pair of very good friends, who entertain together like a married/engaged couple, participate in each other's family events like a married/engaged couple, and yet insist they are NOT engaged. IMO the NOT being engaged is kind of silly. 

    The best way to know what you want is about the marriage and not about the wedding is that "as close and serious as we can be without actually marrying" period of doing the difficult stuff as a team, money stuff, family stuff, keeping a household going stuff. Engaged and living together for a few years BEFORE there is any thought of setting a date or planning a wedding is the best way to avoid making a big big mistake in your marriage. 

    Yes, I know some people believe cohabitation without marriage is inherently wrong. Obviously the Asker isn't one of them so I didn't address this. 

  • Trish
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    If you're thinking of moving in together that's a sure sign you're ready for marriage.  Don't live in sin make it official.

  • 1 month ago

    Maybe you should think about that when someone actually proposes to you. 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    I don't think you understand that there is a big difference between the process of getting married (the wedding) and being married until one of you dies.

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  • drip
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    A wedding isn’t marriage. It is easy to get caught up in wedding fever. Ohh how pretty.

    You need to think rationally.  

  • A
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    All of your comments are all about a wedding not a marriage, the compromises, the change in life.  Nothing wrong with having these fantasies, but you are not engaged and honestly you are still so very young that you are going to change so much in the next 5-8 years.  Take it from someone who was so happy to be engaged at 19 that I stayed in a horrible marriage- emotionally and verbally abusive- for  35 years.  

  • LizB
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Your wedding lasts a day. Your marriage (theoretically) lasts for the rest of your life. Focus more on relationship compatibility, life goals, and personal development than a hypothetical future wedding.

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    you'll know when you want to get married

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