Relationship?

I am feeling very sad

My son who is 26 years old lives at home. I have been a single parent since he was 3 years old. 

When he was younger I worked very hard I went to university finished my degree then went on to do my masters. This is so that  in the future we would  never have to suffer financially. 

Just recently my son dropped a bombshell and told me that he resents me because I was an absent parent when he was younger and he had many caregivers all family members  because of this he  suffers with self confidance and anxiety. 

This has made me feel remorseful and wish that I can rewind back time. 

Working so hard back then was never my intention to ever make him feel this way. 

Prior to him telling me this 

I have always supported him 

New car live rent free so that he can save money. I paid his university fees 

I cook his meals and I always tell him that I love him 

When ever he gets annoyed he then let's me know how he felt back then

Help how can I make amends? 

Update:

I am feeling exhausted by this  and hearing that I was never around for him is like a shot to the heart.

It has only been over the last two years he has been saying this. 

He says that his self confidante is low due me being absent. 

I cry most days because of the  guilt 

Update 2:

I want to thank each and everyone of you for your advise

Very much appreciated 

11 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    2 months ago
    Favourite answer

    Your son has wounded you like only a child knows how.  What to do?  Accept that you did the very best you could with the hand that was dealt you and it sounds like you've done an amazing job.  Your son needs to grow up and grow into empathy and compassion.  

    You can help him by insisting that as soon as the situation allows he moves out and you stop paying for that car.  Also, he should give you money toward housekeeping.  The problem is that he's had it too easy.  He's not had to stick his neck out there which is why he's not built up confidence.  He's imagining a fantasy world and putting all his resentment into it.  Sometimes love needs to be tough.  You can and should tell him that you love him, but you absolutely need to stop cosseting him not least because he's going to bring his stinking entitled attitude to his relationships.

    Finally, chin up!  Research from many countries show that whilst children would prefer to have a stay-at-home parent adult sons in particular have a better relationship with mothers who worked outside the home.  The trouble is that you haven't allowed your son to transition into an adult by making this too easy for him.  Do it now.  He'll resent you for sure at first, but what you're enduring now is not on, not on at all, and in time he will get over it and eventually understand why (or remain a raging entitled brat, but let's hope for the former).  

    You really have done a bloody amazing job and don't you forget it!

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    It sounds like he is using the excuse of you being an absent parent as a crutch so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his own actions. Maybe he's scared of moving on with his life and getting his own place and taking care of himself, and he's using your situation to prolong that. Regardless of what caused you to be in the position of being a single parent, you obviously did the responsible thing which was getting an education so you could be as financially secure as possible and give him a good life, so the fact he resents you for not being around as much as you possibly could have been is a bit harsh. I don't have children, but I have a friend who is much older than your son and still lives at home, and she also comes up with excuses not to move forward, and it always seems like there is a blame game (it's always someone else's fault and never hers), and in that situation I really wish her parents would push her - and push hard - to get her to go out on her own. I really think in your case you should do the same. He is an adult man who needs to live in his own place and be his own person, not depending on you at this stage of his life. Only then will he develop the confidence and knowledge that he needs to get out of this emotional immaturity stage he seems to be wallowing in.  I really think it's his lack of maturity and emotional awareness that is causing him to think like this. You should be upfront with him and lay everything out - tell him it's time he makes a plan for himself and finds his own place, and that you will help him along the way, but he needs to grow up and stop blaming you for what he is lacking in his own life. As far as making amends, the best thing you can do is not apologize but push him to be a responsible contributing adult. He will eventually feel better about himself, and when he matures he will come to realize how difficult it must have been for you to raise a child on your own, and he will begin to appreciate what you have done for him over the years.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    I am not a parent like you.

    I spent a lot of my time studying, so if I ever become a parent then I won't be like you. You probably had a lot of time to study like me before getting pregnant.

    Nowadays I spend my time trying to create a career, for myself, and I still continue to learn new things. I finished school when I was 21 years old, and now I am in my 30s.

    I don't have a wife, or girlfriend, or kids.

    I am a male by the way.

  • dman63
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    You have no need to make amends to him and no reason to feel guilty.  He complains about you being “an absent parent” NOW as an adult? Come on.  Where was his dad? YOU were out there working to make a better life for the two of you and making sure he could get a good start in life.  You’ve done a great job for him, but now your work is finished.  Tell him that he has a choice to make.  If he wants to stay under your roof, he starts paying his share and quits with the whining.  Otherwise he can move out and experience real life...and that includes doing and paying for everything himself.

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  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    not much you can do about it but talk to him about it

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    Sounds like an ungrateful kid that needs to grow up. Nothing to do until he realizes the reality. In the meantime, don’t be offended and guide him to the real answers. 

  • Tj
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    You did everything you could for him. Do not let him do this to you. If anything put his sorry butt out of your home. you could make him pay rent also if you cant throw him out, do not stand for his crap.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    I don't know what you are making amends for.

    Your son needs to speak to a mental health counselor or adviser.  He apparently knows exactly how to hurt you.  And what about his father?  How does he feel about him?

  • 2 months ago

    Fine, you may not have been in his life as much as you would have liked, but really, why is he boo-hooing about a situation that just about every family in North America is or has gone through? He isn't special and he is literally being a spoiled kid. Does he think you were off having a good time at his expense? You put in a lot of blood sweat and tears to make sure his life is good. He needs to sit down and have a big think about what it is you have done for him. You need to inventory exactly what good he has in his life because of you, and if he doesn't like it, tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to go that will treat him the way he is expecting. That will give him a damn good reality check as to just how much of a gift you have given him, and I guarentee he won't give up what he has any time soon. I feel sorry for you. You worked so hard and gave him so much that it has given him a sense of entitlement. You don't deserve that. Good luck, I hope he smartens up.

  • 2 months ago

    Don't. Kick his lazy *** out. You've done more than enough. You've done your job, you raised him. He's getting close to 30 for Pete's sake. The more you coddle him, the more he will resent you. It's time for you to enjoy life on YOUR terms, not his. If you keep this up you're like someone enabling an alcoholic. It's time for tough love. It will be messy at first, but as time passes, he'll come around. He will have to make amends with you.

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