Anonymous asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 1 month ago

I am adopted, is this appropriate what I’m describing below or not? Was I wrong to do this?

So I am adopted. My birth mother was 15 and her parents arranged the adoption. When I got to be 18 I had this fantasy that I would meet them and everything would be perfect. It did not happen that way. After high school I tried to find my birth mother and she requested no contact and did not even send a letter explaining why but rather sent a letter back to the agency with a note “please do not contact me or I will have to get a restraining order”. It was the second note the agency had left her. 


So now I am 41 and it’s been years later Since the failed attempt to reconnect and yet I’ve always had this feeling of shame that I don’t know my bio parents. I feel like even if they’re horrible people I still am supposed to know them. So through social media and Internet I found the address for the birth mother and I’ve twice over the last three years simply driven past the house and ask for directions and then driven away. I don’t plan to do it anymore or the person will recognize me from the previous 2 times. I’ve also seen her picture via Facebook though never friended her and compared my face to hers + her family. From there I went to and studied my ancestry without leaving any notes.


Was I being a stalker? Is this OK because I’m adopted? Like I said I don’t plan to drive past the house anymore but I drove past a number of times and on 2 occasions she was out in the yard with teenagers Who I guess would be my siblings. This was 1 and 3 years ago


The birth father died from cocaine the agency said when I would’ve been 6 and so there’s no contact with him  


On my birth mother side the woman described on her Facebook page as her mother, my grandmother, was in the yard with her the second time. My birth grandfather was listed on ancestry as having died when I would’ve been 7 


I have autism so that is why my social skills are a little stunted this way and I’m asking on here.  

Update 2:

I resume my interest after my adopted mother died and I was 37 when that happened. My adopted father is still living and lives with me.  No one knows that I did this with the birthmother and as noted I have no plans on doing it any further.  

2 Answers

  • 1 month ago
    Favourite answer

    It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling.

  • 1 month ago

    While your original mother might not want contact, there is nothing to stop you from contacting your siblings.

    Source(s): Adoptee.
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