Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 4 months ago

My husband cant keep it up in bed? Is something wrong with him? Or is this normal?

We dated for a year and got married 10 months ago. We wanted to wait until marriage for intercourse. On our wedding night, he wasn't able to get hard and we kept trying for 20 minutes and nothing worked so we gave up. We didn't do it for 7 days straight after our wedding and I just thought maybe hes nervous because it's our first time. We finally did it on the 8th day and he didnt even last 20 seconds. That was normal because it was his first time. But it hasn't changed. Till this day, I go days without having intercourse with my husband. When we do have it, he doesn't last much. I have never been pleased the entire marriage ever. I dont want to make him feel insecure because I know he is. I do love him but this stuff is affecting the marriage. He always talks game after our dates and says hes going to get it this time and when we get home, there's nothing. When I try to talk to him about it, he tells me that I have fertility issues because I'm not getting pregnant. We literally have intercourse 3 or 4 times a month and that's not enough. We are both 23 so we're pretty young and I'm getting depressed because I've been waiting for this stuff before my marriage and I'm not having what I expected. I'm a very sexual person and I tried to hold myself the entire marriage and now I'm facing a problem. He never wants to talk about it and keeps telling me that I'm the one with the problems because I haven't given him a child yet. Is this normal?

18 Answers

  • Anonymous
    4 months ago
    Favourite answer

    Let me start with the obligatory disclaimer:  I am not a marriage counselor.  I am not a sexual therapist.  Everything I'm about to say is purely opinion and conjecture.

    Okay...let's get the first problem out of the way.  Are we 100% sure your husband is heterosexual?

    Before you say "Why would he marry me if he's gay?" consider this: lots of gay men (and women) enter heterosexual marriages because of societal pressure.  They may be aware of their homosexual inclinations, but they feel that if they get married to a person of the opposite gender, they'll be able to suppress it and live a mostly "normal" life.  Some people are raised in families and towns that are so homophobic that they would rather lie to themselves and everybody else than risk the social stigma (and maybe even abuse) that comes with being outed.

    The body doesn't lie, though -- at least, not easily.  If your husband cannot get an erection, it might be that he's not attracted to women.  Just a thought.

    Also, he might not be sexual at all.  He might like the idea of living with you, but he might not be that thrilled at the prospect of having sex.  That's not a reflection on you, obviously, it's just who he is.  It is the kind of thing you could have figured out if he hadn't been hung up about having sex before marriage, but anyway...

    Supposing you have irrefutable evidence of his heterosexuality (I don't know what that could be, but let's assume), what else could the problem be?

    Perhaps your husband suffers from sexual anxiety.  Anxiety has a way of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.  If your husband *thinks* he's going to be unable to achieve an erection, then he *will* have difficulty.  Unfortunately, you can't just tell somebody to 'relax' and cure their anxiety.  In many cases, anxiety requires therapy to overcome.  If this continues to be an issue, you might ask your husband to discretely consult a licensed therapist.  I know it's embarrassing, but remember - nobody has to know besides your husband and you.

    Here's another thought: are you 100% sure your husband actually *wants* to have a child?  This is another area where a man can feel pressured into making a decision he isn't quite ready to make.  If your husband goes into the act of love-making thinking that it will result in pregnancy, it could cause him stress and make him unable to rise to the occasion.  I'm not saying that's DEFINITELY the problem, just something to think about.

    Another possibility is medication.  Some medications can cause erectile dysfunction as a side effect.  Is your husband taking anything, particularly anti-depressants or blood pressure pills?  Anything else?  Have your husband ask a doctor if he's unsure about the side effects of any medicines he's taking.

    One last thought: there could be something medically wrong.  I don't know how to tell you to bring this up with your husband, but does he masturbate?  I'm going to guess he doesn't talk to you about it if he does, but a doctor might want to know if he's able to achieve an erection when he stimulates himself.

    Again, I'm no expert.  I strongly suggest that you encourage your husband to visit a therapist and/or a doctor.  You're going to have to push him over a mighty high hill of embarrassment and resentment, but this problem is probably not going to fix itself.  If you're sexually incompatible and he's not willing to adapt, then perhaps it's time to ask yourself whether you're meant to be together.

    Best of luck.

  • 4 months ago

    Thats weird, he gets SUPER hard when I am pegging him!

    Tell Hakeem I said straighten up and pork u like a loving hubs should or Im gonna spank him like the bad boy he is!

  • adam
    Lv 5
    4 months ago

    VIAGRA there I fixed it go get some of that stuff

  • 4 months ago

    It is possible that you do not excite him as you slightly resemble an ape.

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  • Ocimom
    Lv 7
    4 months ago

    Sounds like one of two things or maybe both.  1.  He's addicted to porn and is jacking off and cannot do anything in real life.  2.  He has a medical issue.

  • Athena
    Lv 7
    4 months ago

    There is the possibility that you just do not have the knowledge or skill to make things work.  A lot of women just suppose that being there should be enough.  They never bother to learn a few "tricks of the trade" to be memorable in bed. 

  • Anonymous
    4 months ago

    He needs to see a urologist, see if there is a medical problem. Could he be gay? You both need to be tested to see if either one has a fertility problem, if he wants a kid so badly. If you are so unhappy with him, get a divorce.

  • ?
    Lv 7
    4 months ago

    Now you know why he wanted to hook you before revealing this issue. You were obviously too young to get married but if you love him it may be worth his seeing a urologist to rule out any physical problems. It's likely that if he was a virgin he just doesn't know how to have sex. Also, do not try to get pregnant when your marriage is this premature and this on the rocks. Divorce is far more difficult when there are children involved. Don't procreate until you're both at least 25 and until he can regularly perform sexually. Ignore this advice and you'll end up a sad single mom. 

  • Anonymous
    4 months ago

    It could be mental.  It could be physical.  Only a PHYSICIAN can rule out physical and point him toward anxiety or some other mental health issue.

    Intercourse is NOT the only way to satisfy a female.

    He probably blames you because it's easier than addressing his own problem.

    And, once again, I was a virgin who married a virgin.  Within a few days I realized he had some very strange sexual beliefs/practices.  For example, he always wore button down pj's, took the bottom off and put it under his pillow when we had sex in the dark, afterward put the bottom back on and went into the bathroom to clean up.  I mean WITHIN SECONDS of having sex.  After the first year I just couldn't pretend any longer.  I begged him to see a Doctor, and he refused.  I filed for divorce, met someone four years later and lived with him, we married two years after that and I am very happy and content.

    I see no selling point for virginity.

  • 🦋
    Lv 6
    4 months ago

    Take him to a doctor for sex pills

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