How do I cope with a complicated/abusive relationship with my parents and inability to escape/help myself?
I'm sorry, this is a lot.
I am seventeen and still live with my parents. Mother is a traditional religious zealot (homosexuality is wrong, sex before marriage is a sin, men are in charge and women are submissive, etc.), but is still loving and does a lot for me. Father is also religious but has extreme anger issues, is emotionally/mentally abusive to the both of us. He belittles me, patronizes & talks down to us, yells/screams often, is controlling and manipulative. I know this should be a much bigger part but my dad molested me when I was eight years old and I did not remember until I was around 13. I am 99% sure he does not remember. As I've gotten older, I've noticed a lot of weird, possessive sexual energy towards me, and each day it becomes a heavier strain having to live with. All of this combined has driven me to serious thoughts of suicide, but father refused to let me see therapist (school social workers are no help). I'm scared to tell people about what happened to me because I would feel super guilty about tearing my family apart. We still depend upon each other for things and I feel an obligation to them because they have invested so much money and time for my whole life. I feel ungrateful for being upset with them and wanting to leave and I can't help but feel empathy and not want to make them hate me even though I'm so miserable. I don't know what to do or how to cope because the situation is so complicated. Any help is much appreciated.