I need some advice on my boyfriend getting into the army. What should I do?
Please read the first comment for the whole story
- magix151Lv 73 months ago
He needs to make up his mind. If he has a degree, he's old enough to get a job. If you have lived with him for 1 1/2 years, his parents have also been supporting you. Maybe both of you grow up, get jobs, and support yourselves.
- Anonymous3 months ago
In my opinion, the two of you are too young to be in a permanent relationship. Whether or not you like the description, your behavior is manipulative and controlling. You are trying to be his "mommy" and teach him how you want him to behave. Believe me, the military will do a much better job at helping him grow into manhood than you can. You don't have to end your relationship, but you should live separate lives while he finishes going through the maturation process. Let him join the service and support him unconditionally.
- MarliLv 73 months ago
I think your boyfriend needs to toughen up his mind to accept criticism when it comes, and not to shy away from it or expect that "everyone" is talking about him. When he is critized by his boss, he can ask how he can do better at the job, or what is expected of him. The first thing is to get the job. An employment counselor could teach him how to overcome the anxiety of the job interview.
If he does go to an armed forces recruiter, I think he should be honest and candid about what he expects from the service and what he can and can't do. I am sure the military will assess him mentally as well as physically before he is required to take the oath. They want people who can learn to fit in and take the stress and discipline. I am sure they will be tougher than a civilian employer, since so much is at stake in "emergency work" like the military; police, fire and critical care. I doubt privates are paid well. Low level public service jobs don't pay well. I don't like the emphasis on killing, but the military teaches both basic and high level skills and the disciplined life may be the making of him, if he can become less sensitive and anxious and maybe be willing to be taught. Any job has rules and routines.
It might end your relationship with him. It is already strained and he was not open with you. You may be able to work it out so that the relationship will become stronger. But remember that he should not depend on you as though he was a child. That is bad for your emotional health.
- MercuryLv 73 months ago
Ask your boyfriend he will be given all the information he needs.
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- yLv 73 months ago
Way too much info for a forum such as this. I stopped reading during the anxiety excuse, the service is actually good for him in that area becouse the choice is taken away, and he has to force his way through it. That experience and exposure helps actually. Unless he knows what direction he wants to go in, the service is an excellent option, it buys time needed for people to cook a little more.
- Anonymous3 months ago
FULL DESCRIPTION, PLEASE READ HERE
So my bf wants to join the army. The thing is that is something that he had thought about before, true, but never being too serious about it. But now he just graduated and he’s desperate because he doesn’t want to study anymore or at least not immediately, and he wants to make loads of money by working, and his mother came out with the army idea again. His parents are nice but they do guilty trip him a lot; he finished his exams just few weeks ago yet every time he was in the bed chilling, like you’re supposed to when you finish your exam and have a whole summer in front of you, they made him feeling lazy and they keep constantly pressuring him to get a job. The army in their head would be the perfect fit because they wouldn’t need to pay for him nor to feed him anymore, he would have to do “solid labour work” (being two people who never went into education they value the labour work way more than studying), he would be trained to be efficient, hard working and always wake up early, and he would make loads of money, given the fact that, having a degree, he could aspire for a career as an official.
But they do not consider how tough is it to be in the army.
My boyfriend has social anxiety (he was never diagnosed with it but having lived with him for all the last 1 year and half I can tell), he struggles to feel comfortable around people he doesn’t know (and sometimes even with the ones he knows best as well), he’s constantly thinking that everyone (even people in the streets that he has never seen before) talks **** about him, and he tends to overthink about lightly statement made by people, associating completely unreasonable meanings to them just because he’s so insecure he thinks people see him as a weakling. Furthermore he gets very anxious that people manipulate him sometimes, and he directed this insult even to me more than once, just because sometimes I suggest him what we could do. He doesn’t always tell me that I am manipulative of course, but there are days in which he’s in a bad place and he just cover me with all of these nonsense insults. I’ll give an example: back in January (when we were living alone, far away from his parents) I proposed him we could go to live abroad, because I am a foreigner myself and I know how nice this experience can be, even to broaden your views in terms of your career path. At first he enthusiastically accepted, but then with time his interest faded away more and more, especially once we went to live with his parents because of the pandemic. I wasn’t too bothered about it because I don’t mind, it was just a suggestion, and as long as I can live with him it doesn’t matter where we go, and I made that clear to him too. Yet when in the last month he started to talk about the army thing (which he hided from me for days, he was secretly speaking with his mom about it, and I though they were both being funny but I couldn’t understand what it was happening) the day he told me everything he also got annoyed to me because I wasn’t really happy about it, and he started to say how manipulative I was because “I tried to trick him into going abroad”. I made him notice that if I was so manipulative then we would have been already there, and he couldn’t reply anything if not admitting that he was wrong. The problem is that when he doesn’t speak to me he fills his head with these bad thoughts about me, of me being selfish, manipulative, and he’s incapable of thinking logically about it unless he speaks to me. Only then he understands that he’s being paranoid. But sometimes if he doesn’t let me in I just can’t speak to him, because he would quickly shush me, getting arsy if I try to tell him anything.
Now a more than a week ago he told me about the army thing and we were on the merge of breaking up, because I wasn’t happy about it. He started to get really annoyed at every tiny mistake I made to the point that he asked me to leave and go back to my country. That night I couldn’t sleep and when he woke up I told him that since I knew clearly my feelings for him, but he didn’t, it was best for me to go back to the flat I used to live in before the pandemic started, and if he could drive me there, so he could have some time to himself to think. After I asked this not only he didn’t want me to go, but his behaviour changed entirely. He understood how much is parents were manipulating him and we had a fantastic week in which we were both together relaxing and the army thing went from being something about which he was sure of to become one of the many options he could have pursued, not even the most prominent.
You need to understand that on one side I don’t want him to join for selfish reasons: of course I would like to live with him and have the life we were leading before the pandemic, and of course I am scared of the thought of him leaving for 4 months and coming back only for few weeks, in which I could even barely spend time alone with him because he would probably like to see his family too. But the thing that scares me the most is about his social anxiety. He struggled even to go to uni many times because he was obsessively thinking that everyone there (teachers included) were speaking ill of him. Many times I was there, helping him and trying to make him feel better. Once, in February, I went back to my country to stay for a month there, and we were constantly on the phone because he was always anxious and needed comfort from me. It wasn’t the same thing of me being there, even if I tried my best to make him feel well again, so sometimes he was very down. Now since we have being staying into his parents house for so long (a familiar environment) he feels more relaxed and confident but I am afraid it’s just an illusion. I fear of him going into the army because I think he won’t be able to cope well with the life there, where you live 24h with people you don’t know, probably many people full of testosterone and of themselves, during your training you get shout at many times for every single mistake, and I also researched a lot on the matter and many people say that is a bad mistake to get into the army if you have already mental health problems going on in your head, because it will only enhance the disturb, leading him to even become suicidal. Also once you get into the army you can’t get out unless you pretend to be severely ill or suicidal, but this could also mean to be dismissed with dishonour and that many careers would be precluded to him. So basically a total disaster which could have been avoidable if only he researched more into the matter (and not just into how much is the pay going to be) and listened to me more.
His parents are manipulative, and it is not the first time he falls into the trap; for example when he was 16 as a normal 16 years old he didn’t want to study much, and his parents made him feel like he needed to work because he was a weight for them. So he left school, and started to work with his dad for 2 years, until he realized that he didn’t want to lead that life, and he went back into education (with both of his parent’s great discontent). But he paid an harsh price for his parent’s decision, because when he went to uni everyone was much younger and immature, and he couldn’t fit in, and this ruined entirely his experience at university, making him also enhance his internal discomfort with himself and his social anxiety.
I really don’t want this to happen to him. I already told him the day I asked him to drive my back to my flat, that even if he gets into the army I’ll be with him, at least I would try, I can’t abandon him. But yesterday it only took him few hours of work with his dad to have this idea of the army going back into his head, and he was very pissy with me for the whole evening, and this morning opening his laptop I found he was reading a question asked by someone which was saying “my girlfriend doesn’t want me to join the army, what should I do?” and everyone in the comment was like “yeah bro dump her” and I felt so bad because I even told him I was willing to stay with him, but I feel like since he’s being pressured by his parents (which are also trying to separate us) he’s trying to push me away and come up with every possible excuse he can to depict me as a terrible selfish girlfriend, which I never been! I wanna speak to him clearly, but I am so scared he’s gonna say that I am manipulative again!
Please help me I am really desperate and broken.