Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 month ago

My fiance's parents want to meet my parents, but I don't talk to them, what do I do?

My fiance and I have been together for 2 years. I love him to pieces and I have met all of his family. However, he has not met any of my family. I was abused as a child and when I finished university at 21 I decided that I never want to talk to anyone in my family ever again because of the abuse that each individual put me through in the past. In my last year of uni, my fiance was an international student studying at my uni for one year, we became close and I moved to Germany with him (from the UK). I left a letter for my parents explaining that I never want to talk to them or the rest of the family (including extended) ever again because of their narcissistic, manipulative, physical, psychological, verbal and emotional abuse. I still feel the same way I did when I left. Although the thing is that we are engaged now and I explained the situation to him why I don't speak to my family and he completely understands. But his family is super close, all of his relatives including his extended family. We come from a completely different background: race, social class etc.. I just don't know what to do because his parents want to meet my family and they will have a lot of questions when they find out that I don't even speak to 1 family member because of my horribly abusive past.

Update:

btw I don't want anything to do with my family.

Update 2:

I also have to add that my fiance's family don't know about my abusive family but have told him that they want to meet my family and brought it up in a dinner conversation. I just don't know how I'm going to tell them.

Update 3:

I've been reading the answers and I want to thank everyone for posting, BUT there are things I must clarify. 

1. I met my fiance when I was in my last year of university, we started off as really good friends and I would tell him the stuff that was going on. He was an international student so he only had a short time. We fell in love and I went to him to his country, we fell in love and I eventually moved.

Update 4:

2. There has been concern that I don't speak to my extended family and that that is a major issue. In my culture, the extended family is just like the family you live with. I lived with my extended family and as I mentioned above, the were extremely abusive towards me. I never disrespected anyone, but when I turned 20 years old I had just had enough. The only people in my family who treated me well were my grandfathers who unfortunately are no longer alive.

Update 5:

Finally, I am a survivor of years and years of abuse. I understand why people would be concerned but this platform has a word limit. I would also like to add that I met his parents 6 months after moving and he soon proposed. His father brought it up meeting my parents at the dinner table. I've seen them a couple of times since until his mother had mentioned it to my fiance that after lockdown we could arrange something and that's why I'm stuck. Hope this clarifies everything. 

Update 6:

My fiance knows everything and doesn't want me to get hurt again, emotionally, physically, verbally or psychologically. Only some people will understand the trauma of an abusive family. I am glad every single day that I escaped because I was not well with them. I smile every day and I can say that I am a happy person since I left. My smile came back and it was gone for many many years. 

Once again thank you for all the support.

19 Answers

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  • Alan H
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    It was rather immature writing the way you did.

    Much simpler to say you were moving, and not contact them thereafter.

    But if he really wants to meet them, you should value his wishes, and at least ask them.   If they decline, that deals with it.

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  • 1 month ago

     Hey your NOT Marrying them Don't see them any more than you have to !  !    !

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  • 1 month ago

    Tell them you don't have anything to do with them

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  • 1 month ago

    He should tell them... In fact I'm surprised after 2 years that he hasn't.  Just be honest.

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  • 1 month ago

    There is no choice here. Your fiance's family have to be told the truth. By hiding it from them you'll only upset and eventually anger them. You have good reasons for not being in touch with your family; don't feel you have to apologise for your reasons.

    I don't know whether it would be better for your fiance to explain the situation to his parents alone - probably it would. Then the next time you saw them they would already know what the situation was. They might then want to talk to you about it, but at least they'll already know the basic story.

    Don't imagine you can marry this man without telling his parents the truth.Of course you don't have to tell every horrid detail, but you do have to let them understand that you are serious, it's not just a temporary quarrel, and that you will not be contacting your family any time soon.

    EDIT to add, after seeing your updates:

    I certainly don't think you have to see your family again. That's a separate issue, which may or may not be resolved in the very long term. But right now you should not behave as if lockdown were the only problem. Either tell your fiance's parents yourself, or ask him to talk to them about it. You mustn't let this go any longer: you MUST let them know that you are estranged from your family, you do not contact them, you will not be contacting them and there can therefore - very regrettably - be no meeting between the sets of parents.It's not fair to them to let them go on thinking they're going to meet, when they aren't.

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    I don't fully agree with the answers you've been getting, because this isn't about how horrible your family is and how hard it must have been on you.  These things are true, but there's a much bigger problem here.

    It sounds like you jumped the gun on the engagement.  You  and your fiance should have talked this over thoroughly before taking this very major step and announcing it.  It's the norm for families to want to meet each other once their "kids" are engaged, and the 2 of  you weren't  prepared for this.  In fact, it almost sounds like he didn't realize you don't speak to your fam until after the engagement.  I sure hope I read that wrong.

    Your fiance is the one who should initially talk to his parents.  It may not go well, though, because it's a lose-lose situation.  If they're as close as you say, they're going to feel like he's been hiding something pretty major from them.  There's no way out of that, unless he didn't know until recently and he tells them that.  The problem is this is even worse.  They will see this immediately.

    The fact that you don't speak to your fam at all is a bit of a negative to most parents, but the way this has played out is the much bigger problem. 

    • Beverly S
      Lv 7
      1 month agoReport

      I agree.. the fact that she no longer even speaks to extended family would concern me... they will want details.

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  • 1 month ago

    Hi you and your partner need to sit his parent down tell them you need to talk to them and it's very important . Tell them the true dont hide anything explain why you left and what happened to you and tell them you never want to see your family again for what they did too you. Tell them that you hope they understand your reasons and that you love there soon very much and you wish to marry him . You have your partner by your side to take you through it . Dont be afraid do sooner rather than later . It will take a weight off your shoulders. It's your lifes no one else's.  Good luck .

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  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    just tell them the truth

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  • 1 month ago

    You don't speak to your family, that's all you have to say, "I understand you want to meet my parents. Sadly, I am estranged from them for personal reasons." 

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  • 1 month ago

    Have your fiance explain the situation to them in private. If they're half as nice as you make them sound, they'll totally understand and support your decision.

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