Is it wrong to tell my kids why their mother left?

My wife had an afir 4 and a half years ago, I found out and she ended it and we changed our life's for the better, now 4 and a half years later she has had an affair with the same man and left us. She sees the kids twice a week at the moment.

My kids ask why she has gone and I just say "We decided we might be happy apart" and all the usual stuff to make a kid know it's not their fault and everything is OK. But should I be doing that? I'm struggling with knowing if I should say she met another man and left to be with him. And I don't want to do it to make them resent her, I just don't see why I should lie to my children. I feel I will tell them the truth when they're much older as all 3 of my kids are under 11.

I don't want them to hate their mother in anyway but I also don't want to lie anymore when I have done anything wrong.

32 Answers

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  • L
    Lv 4
    1 month ago

    Right now, your children are too young to understand more than what you are telling them.  If you tell them any more - then they will hate her and I you don't want that.

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  • Alan H
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    They are far too young to understand.

    When they are older they will want to know.

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  • 2 months ago

    They're asking you it's not like you're telling them out of nowhere but just tell them the truth and try not to get into details because they don't need to hear it word for word they just need a reason because in their minds it makes no sense that she's not there.

    • L2 months agoReport

      BS

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  • 2 months ago

    Basic principles: don't lie, and your children should know the "entire, relevant truth".  

    Net time the topic arises, plan a family get together, everyone at same time, and tell in a factual manner, without blame, what happened.  Stress that you love your children, and don't hate your wife (if true, get counseling if not).   Allow for QA.  End with group hug.  

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  • 2 months ago

    I don’t think the kids have to know what she did. They could just know that things didn’t work out. 

  • car253
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    I would get some counseling for you and the kids.  The professionals will tell you how to handle everything.    So sorry that your going through this.   But you are a real hero.  Your taking care of your kids.  You are the hero in this situation. 

    Make sure you get the divorce and ask for full custody of the kids and child support.

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  • SW-6
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

    IMO sheltering kids from the truth is dangerous in the fact that they get from you the minimum of the story, then hear on the street or some other way what really happened and hate you for lying to them or they are terribly impacted from getting hit in the gut with the truth.  I am not saying go tell them everything in detail this minute.  If I am you I would wait till they are older (13 or so?) and sit them down and tell them the truth in a discreet way.  I was faced with this same thing when I divorced, however my kids were older and kind of figured it out themselves.  I have always remembered hearing about a "clean news" channel that gave the news out very much sugar coated to cushion kids from the reality of how bad the world is.  As young as I was I thought the day these kids see the real news they will be ruined for life.  So I have always been a "give it to me straight" person, and wanted my kids to be given the truth from the start.  This is just me, you do what you have to do.  Good luck to you :)

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  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    My sister went through something similar when her husband left her and the kids.  She said she was tempted to tell them everything, but didn't.  Their oldest was in therapy (he's autistic) so she spoke with his therapist, who pointed out that hurting the children just causes more trauma for them.  They have enough to deal with without getting caught in the middle of two people who they love and who are not afraid to use them as weapons or to hurt them to hurt each other.

    She set up family therapy sessions for her and the kids and worked with the therapist to make the transition easier for the kids.  If you love your kids, think of them and do what's best for them.  

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  • 2 months ago

    Professionals (and not these idiot wanna be professionals) will tell you to tread lightly, they dont need no more junk to deal with.

    But them kids aint dumb, they already know Momma is the one who changed everything, and Dad is the one who is still around full time.

    I dont see why you wouldnt tell them she went in a different direction with her life and found a new man she wanted to be happy with. 

    There is NOTHING wrong with you taking some credit for being the stable parent.

    If they resent her then thats on her to try to fix.

    I'll be dammmm if i sit here doing all the work when my partner left, and i spoon feed my kids into thinking its all normal and good. Im getting the credit i deserve for not making choices that alter my kids life and messing them up emotionally. 

    MY OPINION and how I would handle my life.

    **now sit back and watch the herd of angry buffalo come stampeding in here to give me my award for giving MY opinion---a bakers dozen of thumbs down..wahaha**

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    • Dr. Stephanie
      Lv 7
      2 months agoReport

      Why would I take my time and energy to contradict what a "non-professional" dictates, albeit with poor grammar and spelling, but plenty of uneducated and immature opinions?

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  • kristy
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    She’s a **** and cheating whore. Don’t cover it up. Sometimes the truth hurts

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    • L1 month agoReport

      To this supposed Dr. Stephanie
      Who died and left you in charge? Self righteous arrogant split-tails like you have no purpose or value 

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