Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 4 months ago

Racist parents hate my boyfriend?

When my parents found out that I am in a relationship with a man who is black, all hell broke loose (I am from Eastern Europe). My dad has completely stopped talking to me and only makes disgusting racist comments when he sees me in the house. 

I have a lot of love for my mum and always thought she just wanted me to be happy but the way she has treated because of who I am with is shocking. Every day she tells me to leave the house and to go marry him but that I will get disowned. She makes disgusting racist comments too which I will not type here. They can't see that he treats me like a queen and makes me so happy. All they see is his skin colour and that makes me so incredibly upset. My sister who has dated guys who are black never defends me or helps me to rationalise our parents. She has always shut me out whenever I dated someone. 

My boyfriend doesn't know any of this, although I think he deep down knows something is wrong. I don't want to tell him any of this as he has suffered from a lot of racial discrimination in the past and I am scared that my family's racism will push him away. As much as I love my family and have always lived with them, the household has become very toxic for me to live in. In the end I will not be controlled by my parents. I will be with whomever I wanna be with. 

But it's hard, I wish I had a normal family where I can bring him around to my house. I don't know what to do, any help or personal experiences would be appreciated. 

28 Answers

  • 4 months ago
    Favourite answer

    You are in control of who you date and who you love. Just keep that in mind. 

    You cannot control someone else's racism, bigotry or prejudice. All you can do is control your own response to that. It's sad your parents cannot accept someone who is good for you, based on his skin color. My parents were also like that--and it hurt. Eventually, relationships broke down between my mom and me, which led to estrangement. She was so incredibly prejudiced and racist I could not live with it anymore, and decided not to have a relationship that went any deeper than superficial. That hurt both of us, but it was good to raise my children in a non-toxic environment and know that I was doing the right thing. 

    You may decide to do that as well--and no one who has any kind of kindness or empathy will blame you. It will not be your fault, and blame isn't something you should focus on anyway. What you need to do is simply live your life by your OWN principles, not other people's. So you will be disinherited--or cut out--but that's the price you pay for being an open minded person and having a kind, loving relationship--and which one, in the long run, is more valuable?  The inheritance or the peace of mind?  That's really your only decision. 

    It doesn't mean you can't still love your parents despite their faults--but you do NOT have to live with those faults or let them control your life. You can tell them this. You love them, but they're intolerance is not something you can live with. If they want a relationship with you, they'll have to do it without threats and bigoted remarks. Otherwise, they don't GET to have that relationship. 

    I wish you luck. 

  • L
    Lv 4
    4 months ago

    No matter what you think you feel, for your boy friend, RACES do NOT mix.  Remember, Blood before other words - your family (blood) will always be there for you.........Water (in-laws).......will NEVER be there for you.

  • 4 months ago

    Races shouldn't mix, period.  Face it, you're a POS.

  • e9601:
    Lv 6
    4 months ago

    No one in this day and age comes from a "normal family." Love doesn't know color or age. If you are old enough, move out and live the life that makes you happy. Your parents have their life, now you be strong and live yours.

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  • Anonymous
    4 months ago

    Define normal!? Most people are and were raised and instilled with a certain set of values, and beliefs as well as educated in their customs, traditions! Just because they don't want you flaunting your "cream in the coffee" lifestyle, behavior just means they are set in their ways and don't approve, or like their children mixing the races and muddying up their family histories!

    You knew the risk that you were taking when you got involved with this man, yet you took it anyway! You are not going to change their views, their ways so stop trying to. As far as marrying him, having kids with him that is something you will most likely do alone as they will most likely reject you and exclude you from their lives! This is your reality! You can choose to continue down this road or you can take the next exit and try and make peace with your parents. It's totally up to you! You need to take a step back and a long drawn out look at your predicament, and your future and weigh the risks! I will warn you; any attempt to punish your parents by purposely tarnishing/trashing their values, beliefs, and their feelings may have devastating, lasting implications! You may end up being alone in a place you don't want to be in!

  • Anonymous
    4 months ago

    I'm African American and I wonder if your relationship with him is worth losing your family even though they are wrong... Can you see yourself marrying this guy and having children.  Because they may not ever accept him or your children...what are you supposed to do in this situation if you think he will always be there for you and he's a good provider I may think go for it if he's always on your side.  He has a right to know what's being said you should tell him about your parents and find out from your sister why she doesn't defend you and him.  If it was me I would give it a shot because I know my family will take me back it's happened enough times.  Good Luck.

  • Anonymous
    4 months ago

    I feel sorry for your bf . He needs to find him a beautiful Black woman or Latina . 

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    4 months ago

    maybe you should move out and dont let them stop you from dating him

  • Alan H
    Lv 7
    4 months ago

    Sadly, they appear to be victims of their upbringing and culture.   But, they ARE  victims who need your understanding, hard as it is.

    I was delighted that you referred to your boyfriend as a man who is black.   His ethnicity does not define him. YOU are a woman, HE is a man....and you love each other 

    Stick to your principals........even if you do end up disowned, though hopefully it will not actually come to that.

    My girlfriend ‘s father was strongly opposed to her relationship with me.....even to the extent of changing his politics, which really were similar to mine, just to show he did not approve 

    But, gradually, as he realised that she loved me, and I loved her his views changed.  He bragged to his friends about me almost as if she was just an adjunct to me!!!!!

    We have now been married over 50 years and are still in love.   Her Dad passed on almost 20 years ago and was supportive to the very end.

    Hang on in there.    Now is not always.

    Who knows? Your relationship could be the very thing that brings about your parents’ transformation 

    You are (all) in my prayers 

    If you lived near enough I would offer to marry you.

  • 4 months ago

    That is very unfortunate how racist your parents are. Worse than that, they are emotionally and mentally abusing you. Their racist attitude is their problem, not yours. How old are you? I would talk to a school counselor about this and let them know what's going on at home. He/she can give you advice on how to cope/deal with this and possibly even ask your parents to come in for a family therapy session. If you're an adult and over 18, you can leave the house and do as you please. In the mean time, tell them that how they are treating you is really hurting you and how much you want to improve your relationship with them. Remind them that if they truly love you, they should be happy for you and support you. Write this all in a letter if it's too hard to say in person. Love who you want to love and don't end up like your parents.

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