Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 5 months ago

How do I deal with my stepdads funeral?

Last week my stepdad (of 19 years) died. My mum has said that she wants my two siblings (27 and 32 year old) and I (25 year old) to "sort out the funeral" as it is too difficult for her. 

She keeps saying how she's going to be so short on money now and I really doubt they put any money away for a funeral. I have a feeling it will be me and my siblings that will be expected to pay for it and I know I will have to because I would feel so awkward/uncomfortable arguing about something like this.

I don't make a lot of money - I am single and living in a city where rent is very high and therefore do not have a lot of disposable income. I also do not feel like I should have to put anything towards the funeral as he is not even my father (mine died when I was young) and we have never gotten along (he was emotionally abusive towards me and my siblings when we were kids). 

I am aware that those two points would do nothing but upset my mum/other family members if I ever said that.

So I guess I have two questions - 

1. Am I being totally unreasonable and selfish? 

2. When the funeral planning takes place in the next couple of days and I inevitably am going to be asked to put into it - should I, and then how do I tell them that I am not comfortable doing this without causing a huge argument? 

21 Answers

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  • Jane
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    The honest truth is that you didn't get along with this man, you don't feel a father connection to him, and he was abusive towards you and your siblings,so it's not surprising that you don't want to contribute to his funeral.It's not just about the money, it's about how you feel, you will feel like a hypocrite if you pretend to have grief at his death. Of course, funerals are more about the living than the dead- they are supposed to be a way for those who are connected to express their love, loss and respect towards the one who has died, and to show regard for family heritage.I think ultimately you may need to give thought to your family as a whole, not just your stepdad, as these are the relationships that will continue on now.Is there something you can do on this occasion that will allow you to develop more healthy and loving relationships with your family? You have already shown sensitivity and awareness about your mother and siblings, while understanding your own feelings. Think about them, and how you would like to go forward with them past this funeral- I suggest you listen, try to understand their feelings, make sure you have friends you can talk to about your own feelings that your family may not be able to hear, and make a contribution that you can afford eg the suggestion of flowers. Remember the funeral is just one occasion, you all will live your lives as you choose. 

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  • 5 months ago

    throw the body in a ditch 

    • kristin
      Lv 5
      5 months agoReport

      Better idea -- make arrangements to donate Stepdad's body to science. May he rest in peace!

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  • Ann
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    If you will be expected to contribute something, tell your mother and siblings that you will buy the flowers to cover the casket, but that's all you can afford.  A nice casket wreath will be about $200.  That is a generous enough gift, and one that no one should argue about.

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    Tell Mom you're going to start a GoFundMe for your step's funeral and let her know that that's all she's going to get.

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  • 5 months ago

    1. no, not at all, this is your mother that is totally unreasonable and selfish.

    Refuse to make any arrangements, this is your mother's job, refuse to contribute any money, this is your mother's job. Refuse to plan, prepare or run the funeral. Again, mother's job.

    You have choices in what you do, dear. She's not helpless, she's acting helpless, expecting you to do everything. REfuse to play the game.

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  • 5 months ago

    You sure he doesn't have any insurance? Does he not have any children of his own? What kind of work did he do? How old was he? You know that he doesn't have any assets at work?

    • kristin
      Lv 5
      5 months agoReport

      Maybe he already had everything planned out and you just haven't found his written requests yet. Communication is key!

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  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    maybe you can have him cremated if its too expensive to bury him

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  • 5 months ago

    1. No, I don't believe you are being unreasonable and selfish. I think mom is in a lot of grief right now and doesn't want to deal with it... as she's pretty much said... even though this is kind of her responsibility.

    2. I think it would be kind of you to put some sort of effort into working with your siblings, who also have been thrown into this without much notice and are likely feeling very similarly to yourself. Decide before you go what you are comfortable with; if there really is no way you can possibly put any money toward the expenses , then what are other ways you could support your family during this time. Because that's really what funerals are for: supporting the surviving friends and family. Even though you didn't get along with this person, even though it's not really your duty to plan and pay for his funeral... think of this as you and your siblings supporting each other.

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  • drip
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    You figure out how much you can afford.  If it is $50 then that is what you offer.  You give your mom $50 and say this is for his funeral I am sorry I don’t have more to give, but that is my limit.

    Don’t wait to be asked or told. Volunteer the money you can comfortably give. No matter how little it is. And then be done with it. Discussion closed. State this is my limit and do not be drawn into it further. Don’t offer reasons why or go into your finances. Don’t argue. Leave the room if necessary.

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  • Anonymous
    5 months ago

    funerals are just a scam to take advantage of guilt and loss. dont throw any money at those heartless meat sacks that are profiting off of it

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