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Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 3 months ago

I called out my daughters abuser and those that allowed it, yet my daughter and husband have turned on me for not letting it go. Why?

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  • 3 months ago

    I would assume her husband was the 1 who abused her so that should be not surprise to you and he may have scared the feces out of her. You may never know what he said to her. It's not uncommon for an abuser to threaten family members of a person that has bee abused.

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  • 3 months ago

    It is because of the stockholm syndrome.  The indirect way is to start out being the best boyfriend in the world.  He puts her on a petistle giving her every compliment she could think or dream of.  He caters to her every wish, for a month or two, and then slowly, cuts back, from 110 compliments to 109 and 1 back handed compliment.  Like her eyes are so beautiful, she does not need to wear so much makeup.  He is telling her she is beautiful, but that he thinks she wears too much makeup. Over the next few weeks, he will give 1-2 insults a day and 1 less compliments.  During this time he points out all the mistakes family and friends make. we all can be rude, short with our loved ones when we have a bad or stressed out day.  Can be insensitive, and mistake what someone says the wrong way.  But usually we realize it shortly and apologize, and move on.  But the abuser won't let you forget it, and makes every mistake a big issue, getting her to believe he is the only one who cares about her.  If she falls for it, but the time she realizes he is not a good man, she does not think she deserves better.  And she is embarrassed, that she allowed this man to mistreat her even once let alone for a few months.  She might think, if I love him more, I can changer him back to the guy I first met.  Then it will not be that she allowed a man to abuser her, but her man messed up, and she stood by him and he is now better, and she is the hero.  That usually does not happen.  It makes it harder, and even though she is going against you now, the seed is planted, for her to get help.  But it usually takes a beating, or a few months of emotional mistreatment for her to fully wake up to the abuse.  I have 1 sister, and a good female friend who are so outspoken, and strong willed, but both met a charmer who abused them.  It took my sister almost a year, and my friend until he hit her when she was holding their child.  She was a roller derby skater, and was actually 1 in taller, yet for over a year she stayed with him after he beat her at least 1/2 dozen times. Just send her texts, and emails, with the same message.  I love you, and will be here when you need me. Good luck.  

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  • Anonymous
    3 months ago

    I don't know but I have found sometimes they are in denial and don't like you mentioning it in the least.  They sometimes feel embarrassed and will want to sweep it under the rug or deny it even happened.  

    In my case it was an uncle who became the father of my child and she was raised as my cousin the entire family denies it...a DNA test confirms it...however they call me a liar and crazy.  It seems even hard for my therapist to believe because I was only six years of age at the time..I was already menstruating.  

    The rape is a part of your history now and every time the incident comes up they aren't going to want you to mention it and that is denial.

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  • Raja
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    It is a past incident they do not want even the father to dig into because the memory is painful and embarrassing .That is the reason why they turned on you.

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  • David
    Lv 6
    3 months ago

    The abuse you speak of, I am assuming that it happened long ago...

    It is the victim of abuse who needs to decide how he or she is going to recover from the abuse. Facing your abuser can be therapeutic. You might want to face down your abuser in a court of law and watch the judge sentence your abuser.

    On the other hand, the memories of the abuse may be too painful to deal with. Or, it's possible that the abuse happened so long ago that you already feel you have closure in your own mind and now you really, sincerely do not want to think about it anymore.

    It is good that you want to fight your daughter's battle for her, to come to her aid. But here's the problem. Your daughter doesn't want to deal with the issue under any circumstance. Maybe it's too painful for her to face right now. Or maybe she feels like she has already wasted too much time on the issue and needs to leave it in the past.

    Whatever, you are not being a good father by dragging these skeletons out of the closet when your daughter doesn't want you to.

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  • This is so hard.  You want to help your child yet - not get involved.

    I have six grown children.  I don't intermingle in their relationships with their spouses or children, just for this reason.  They think I have abandoned them but, I have actually given them the freedom to live their own lives and, learn their own lessons.  This is why!  :D

    • Trish
      Lv 5
      3 months agoReport

      How could you compare your children's relationships to a rape...

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  • 3 months ago

    In not listening to what your daughter has decided then YOU are your daughter's abuser.  Someone who does not respect your own daughter's maturity or judgment.  In effect they have no choice but to turn on you as a result of that abuse. 

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    In your daughter's case it's probably a form of "Stockholm Syndrome". Abuse victims, especially children, often cleave to their abusers out of a kind of misplaced sense of security.

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  • 3 months ago

    I'm not sure why you imagine we could tell you why when we're just random strangers on the internet and you actually KNOW your daughter and husband. Surely you would be able to figure out why far better than WE would, wouldn't you? If not, please explain what I'm missing here.

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    • choko_canyon
      Lv 7
      3 months agoReport

      You mean "grasping" at straws. Perhaps a session of family counseling might prove more enlightening than the random opinions of random strangers who don't know either the situation or any of the people involved?

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  • 3 months ago

    This is totally normal. When I called out my abusers in the family the entire family stood behind them and started harassing me, pretty much yelling at me that I was never abused and to stop talking about abuse.

    So screw all of them, I walked away from my entire family after 50 years of being horribly abused - it’s been three years now and my life gets better EVERY SINGLE DAY.

    • SG3 months agoReport

      I called out MY daughters abuser - she turned on me. Why?

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