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Sincerely need some help....please?

I recently moved in with my elderly Aunt to help her (she has dementia). She has been saying hurtful and untrue things to me....I know it's her condition, and I try to take it in stride, but it really hurts and I have cried many times due to what she has said. For people here who have experience with dementia patients, how do you deal with it? I am honestly heartbroken and am not sure I am strong enough to withstand these almost daily stresses.....any tips to cope, please

Update:

It's also accusatory things towards me...accused of using her money, accused of being "to friendly" with my cousin, her son! (Disgusting I know), said she is ignored in conversations, I should have let her sit up front in the car by her son (she had always refused to sit up front).....

9 Answers

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  • 1 month ago

    If the abuse is too much for you, then move out and let her son take over! Why put yourself in a situation that is unbearable unless you get paid good for it?

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Some of this negativity might be from other relatives.  Putting her off you might be a ploy for you to be left out of any will.  Maybe you should tell family members how she treats you verbally and see how they react.   Maybe you could also say it is getting too much for you and maybe it's time for someone to take on the work you do for her.  Their reactions might give you a clue if someone is stirring the pot!

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  • RP
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You need to let your compassion prevail over any sensitivity or ego. While some of her hurtful comments may be a reflection of her true thoughts, it is just as likely they may represent a flight of fantasy and are opposite to what she actually thought or thinks. You should always bear in mind, she is sick and no one, of sound mind, would want to be in her condition. You are her primary care giver and should be dedicated to meeting her needs as best you can in that capacity.

    • Samantha1 month agoReport

      I definitely keep in mind that her comments are due to her condition, she even confuses her dreams as things that have happened, I never "blame" her, but it still hurts

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  • 1 month ago

    The only way I found it possible to cope with a very elderly relative with dementia was to learn how to compartmentalise my day. Kind of like putting on a figurative uniform to go to work and taking it off when I got back to my 'me-time'.  That way you can offer caring with detachment so that you don't burn out and can't be there to help pick up the pieces. If family members can't or won't help (they usually just swan in and swan out with nothing much gained), try to get a team of carers and sitters engaged to give you some dependable respite. I remember night time being the hardest and ended up putting a movement detector in the person's room because they'd get up and try to walk to the bathroom with both zimmer frame and catheter bag and then fall over. Other times they'd get up and just sit on the bed for hours and get cold.  Eventually it got so I could get no prolonged sleep at all, and it was at that point when, with doctors and social services help, a nursing home place was found. Yes, I felt bad about that, but you know what... it became a pleasure to visit the relative again over the almost two years they lived there.

    • Samantha1 month agoReport

      Thank you for your response

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  • 1 month ago

    I think you must go visit with your GP or other health professional and talk about what's going on because being a Carer is not easy by a long way, especially when on the receiving end of this kind of abuse from a relative, even if, unlike me, not a husband/wife.   It hurts.   I'm in a situation when, especially if I'm not feeling well myself, little things can really hurt.  

    All Carers need time out/respite - see if you can do this if only to recharge your batteries once in a while. 

    Very sadly, to take care of your own health going forward, it may be that you have to think about alternative accommodation for your aunt, or at least have somebody come in to give you a break.   

    After my husband had his bad Stroke, and was finally discharge from Hospital, I had help from a Carer who at least came in to get him up in the morning (other than on weekends) so I could sort out my other commitments.   Otherwise I'd have gone mad!!

    • Samantha1 month agoReport

      Thank you. I hope things are ok for you and you are looking out for yourself as well. I have diabetes and stress can play havoc with my levels

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  • Emdog
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    I took care of my mother who had similar symptoms for as many years as I could handle. Get yourself a little mental mantra to repeat in head "It's her dementia talking, not her" or something like that. It is a very difficult spot to be in & I sympathize. She even called me by my brothers name... hello mom!

    I took 2 weeks respite care for myself & went to Mexico. My niece (early 20's) agreed to stay and take care of her. When I came back, niece was gone... WTH? I called her up and asked what happened "She said mean things to me"... well, duh. You might want to see if there are any respite services available where you are so you can have some "you" time and decompress.

    Eventually had to move her to wonderful adult foster care family, Bulgarian & mother had been nurse there. Their strong family oriented culture was a real asset. If you have to, if it gets too much, do spend some time looking for that sort of situation.

    Do you have any siblings who could help out? Mine thought their role was to criticize me for my poor care, as of course mother bad mouthed me when they had one of their infrequent visits...

    • Samantha1 month agoReport

      She woke me up this morning and we went through almost the same thing again. I do try keep in mind that it's her condition, but is hard. Her son (my cousin) lives about an hour away and comes over once a week or so. Unfortunately the same son she has been saying we are "too close"

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  • Janet
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You have to deal with YOUR emotions. She is not the problem .. it is how you self-talk to yourself about the things she says.

    • Samantha1 month agoReport

      I don't blame her, I know it's just her condition, but the accusations and in DC jolts still tend to creep into my heart

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  • mokrie
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You need to dis-connect. Think of her as a stranger that would say those same horrible things to everyone she meets. And it's probably true. Dementia changes the brain. It's like being on heavy drugs that twists your perception of the world around you. Just remember, nurses that deal with this daily are also treated this way by most of their patients and have to just let it roll off their back.

  • 1 month ago

    Pray for wisdom, bu if it were me, I would get her into a nursing home that handles that sort of thing.  They are trained to cope with it. 

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