Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 8 months ago

My parents think I should go to a wedding at the uncle who raped me is going to be at. How do I get them to see if that’s too hard for me?

They say I need to get over it since it’s been 20 years and he’s gone sober since. Indeed he has but he’s never apologized for it the three times I’ve seen him. He was drunk and an alcoholic when he did it and I was 12 at the time. When I see him I feel all the shame of losing my virginity to him and of mistakes I made two years later when I started sleeping around for about a year and had a baby at 15 who was placed in another family.

So how do I get them to say this is too hard for me? I saw him twice when he first got out of jail and it was too hard and then four years ago at my grandmothers funeral. This would involve traveling to a wedding where we’d be with him for two days straight. His son is getting married.

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  • 8 months ago
    Favourite answer

    Do you want him to apologize? If tell whomever that part of 'getting over it' is him admitting the harm he has done. If they want you there, force the issue, to get that. I realize there is no actual getting over it, trauma is something that you will have to live with to some degree for the rest of your life. If you want people to understand that, tell them.

    This could be an opportunity for either getting some sort of closure, or being seen or heard by some family. Ultimately, though, if you don't want to go, don't. You aren't required to go to a wedding. Anyone who tries to force you, tell them you don't want to and that is it.

    You have a lot more agency here than you may think. About the only thing you can't do, is go back in time and change what happened. That unfortunately is an impossibility, so just try to focus on what you want, and what you can do in the here and now. It won't make up for anything that happened (because how could it), but it is what life has brought to your doorstep today.

    Also, if people you care about don't get what this is like for you, please try not to hold it too much against them. Try to get them to understand, sure, but if they aren't able, then it may be because they have never had to experience what you did, and so the only way they could is if they had (and do you really want to wish that on them?). Or maybe they are incapable of the level of compassion you think is appropriate. If so, that isn't on you, it's them and their experience of the world. It's fine to be upset that they can't give you what you need, but at some point your upset only harms you. It's like wanting a cat to bark, it aint gonna happen. You have to think about your energy. Where are you putting it, and is that effort benefiting you. You don't always have to get something out of where and when you spend your energy, but you should be mindful of black holes (people and drama), and not throw too much of your emotional energy into them.

  • Anonymous
    8 months ago

    Go and give a speech about how you hope his son is not like his paedophile rapist daddy. They will never invite you again

  • Anonymous
    8 months ago

    Don't go.  It's terrible that thy can't understand that.  Do you live with them...get from under their thumb now.

    My uncle raped me and got me pregnant many years ago.  The child is 49 now I'm 55 I've had a menstrual cycle since I was three yo precosious puberty.  The child was raised as my cousin.

    I wanted an apology too my therapist says people like him don't feel like they did anything wrong he will never apologize and given the chance he would do it again.  He hasn't ever apologized but one time right before he raped me again he said he was never going to rape me again.

    Get therapy and get on your own two feet.  As long as your family mistreats you this way you have to cut them off because if they are too blind to see what this is doing to you then you shouldn't be around them anyway.  It's just more abuse having to put up with him while they ignore it all.

    Good Luck and God Bless.

  • GB
    Lv 5
    8 months ago

    It says something about society  that you feel 'shame' about  loosing your virginity, although you did not choose to. The shame should belong to your uncle for raping a child. Your parents should also feel shame at trying to make you go.  Tell them you are an adult and make your own decisions. 

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  • 8 months ago

    Just refuse to talk about it. Get up and leave the room when they bring it up. They will learn.

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    thats up to you, at your age you have every right not to go

  • 8 months ago

    You are 32 now. Tell them you ain't going and that is final.

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    By my math you're 32, meaning you just stand up to them and tell them you won't be attending.

  • 8 months ago

    So don't go.  You're an adult.  Your parents opinion should not overrule yours

  • 8 months ago

    quit whining. it probably never even happened.

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