Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 8 months ago

How should I feel what my mom is doing to my daughter?

I have 2 children in college and my daughter is in high school. As you can see, money is tight at my house because of college expenses. My daughter Lisa wants to be like all her high school friends and have nice clothes and other nice things. I just do not have the money to buy her all the things she wants. When I tell her I can not afford the things she wants, she will call my mom and ask her to go shopping with. When she finds something she wants, she will tell my mom and my mom will buy it for her.

With what mom is buying her, she is living WAY above our means. She thinks she has the greatest grandma in the world. Please give me some advice on how I should feel about this. Mom can easily afford to buy her these things but should she? Is Lisa taking advantage of my mom?

Mom did not buy me these nice things when I was Lisa’s age.

Parents and others, please give me your thoughts on this.

7 Answers

  • 8 months ago
    Favourite answer

    It seems to me that your Mom is trying to over-compensate for her failures as a parent with you/your siblings. It's not necessairly a bad thing, it means she realises where she went wrong, and truly wants better for your daughter in life, and that's why she is being generous with her.

    It comes down to what you think its right vs wrong here, because you are her parent, not your grand-mother. If you feel that its too much for your mother to be buying her all these expensive clothes/items, then you need to put your foot down and let her know that its to stop right away. If you don't have an issue with it, by all means, let her buy your daughter clothes

  • 8 months ago

    How should you feel about this? You are free to feel however you want. Feelings are normal.

    Personally I think your daughter is being a bit spoiled and manipulative. Even if your mother can easily afford to buy her these things, her buying your daughter tons of stuff that the other children don't get could be taken as picking favorites. I don't like that.

    I don't know the amount of the gifts your daughter receives from her grandma, but you can talk to your mother about this and tell her that while you appreciate the help , you want to teach your daughter about working to afford things and you don't want your other children to feel left out.

    Set an amount. Let's say 200 a month. Tell your mother that if your daughter comes back home with anything that amounts to more than that in a month, you'll have to make her give that back to the store and that's non negotiable.

    Will your daughter hate you for this? Probably. But parenting is not always being liked. Lisa could get a job, she needs to learnt that things cost money, and her asking her grandma to buy her everything she wants (even though she doesn't need) won't make her a favor in the long run.

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    i would just let her do it, its better than fighting about it

  • 8 months ago

    Be a parent

    The one in high school is still a minor and living in your house and its past time to grow a set and be a parent 

    You take those things away from her and sell it, throw it out,what ever and teach her that since she can't own anything she has no right to whine and since she has to stop whining to your mother to buy things she doesn't need 

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  • Anonymous
    8 months ago

    It's her money, MYOB.

  • Cogito
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    You need to talk to your mother and explain that she's being wonderfully generous and kind, but she's also teaching your daughter to be greedy and entitled.  

    Allowing your daughter to be spoiled isn't doing her any favours.

    Ask her to cut back on the shopping trips.  Ask her to only buy your children gifts on their birthdays, Christmas, etc.If she wants to be generous with her money, maybe she could help out all your children with their education costs?

  • 8 months ago

    There is no SHOULD about it. You feel whatever you feel. Full stop. However, in your shoes I think I would be a little concerned too. Partly that your daughter is using her grandmother purely to get items she wants that you (and she) can't afford. She can say she's the best grandma but would she if she didn't get her own way all the time? Not good teaching from granny is it. She's teaching her to be a user. You worry that your daughter isn't learning the value of money. Your mother probably didn't have the cash when you were young so was unable to lavish stuff on you. Now she is able to, she's doing it one step removed by giving to your daughter. I think you need to have two separate conversations with your mother and your daughter. Tell daughter she is starting to look like a nasty little leech who is treating her grandmother very badly and is turning into a 'user'. Tell your mother you don't like the fact that absolutely everything your daughter wants and can't get off you (for very good reasons), your mother steps in and buys it for her. If you had an estranged husband and HE was doing this to your daughter, your mother would be up in arms about it - and quite right too. Tell mother that you don't want her to train your daughter to look upon granny as an ever-open purse. Tell granny to cut back on the treats occasionally and say no to your daughter so she can learn proper values.

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