ben asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 8 months ago

My step dad hits me and hurts me whenever my mum isn’t around and he thinks that I am a failure?

My step dad is a total jerk and thinks that the way he treats me is fine. I definitely isn’t. I’m only 14 and my real dad lives a long way from where I do. So I feel like living there would be difficult because of where everywhere I go. 

I am way to scared to hit him when he hurts me, I am even too scared to talk back to him. My mum doesn’t know because I am too scared to tell her. I don’t know what to do. 

Tbh I would like to go to my dads for a long time so that I can stay away from my stepdad. When I mean a long time I mean like a year or something, but my mum wouldn’t let me because she knows that she helps me with school, and I agree.

I caught my sibling playing computer games when he wasn’t supposed to, so I went over and said that he shouldn’t really me playing them. So he turned the computer games off, and then my stepdad comes in and looks at the history. Because my mum isn’t around, he grabs me by the neck and literally drags me to the kitchen, and I can’t tell you how much it hurt. He then tells me off because I was apparently the one who made my sibling play games. Wtf. 

I am left crying in my room and so badly want to die when he does this, i just can’t do anything about it. Any support or ideas on how to help would be great. 

Update:

He says that if I don’t get at least 70% in my practice exams or he

 will pull me out of school. I literally just started GCSE year and he doesn’t understand the difficulty of it because he didn’t do his gcse course. I struggle to learn because of the way I think which makes it harder at school. 

He works for IT and expects me to do really well in it, but I only took it because I enjoy the program. The only thing is that I have a shitty teacher for IT. I don’t know what to do. 

9 Answers

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    You MUST tell your mother about this and if she doesn't do anything to stop it you WILL need to go live permanently with your father. The only other option would be to tell the police.

  • 8 months ago

    video tape him abusing you, then run to your mother. if she refuses to do anything, call the cops!!!

    Guaranteed, he'll stop hurting you!

    Don't feel hopeless or helpless, because you are NOT!! You can make this stop tomorrow, if you have the courage to tell your mom what's going on.

    When I was a teenager, something was happening that my mom didn't know about. She finally found out and was so, so hurt that I didn't tell her what was going on.

    She completely supported me, told he should would have stopped but she didn't know!!!

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    you could call the police on him or call cps

  • 8 months ago

    Tell you mother, tell someone at school, you should not be treated that way.

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  • 8 months ago

    You do seem to need some serious help with this, so call 1-800-4ACHILD if in the U.S.A., or Childline (0800 1111) in the U.K. No doubt other countries have similar free phone lines. Canada is 1-800-668-6868, Ireland:  HYPERLINK "https://www.childline.ie/" https://www.childline.ie/. Australia:  HYPERLINK "https://kidshelpline.com.au/" https://kidshelpline.com.au/ 

  • 8 months ago

    Before anything, tell your mom when you guys are alone. If she isn’t listening, tell your father.

    You need to go to the police or if your not comfortable, You could also try talking to a teacher your comfortable with. They have to report it and have an investigation done.

    If you don’t like those two options, tell one of your friends parents.

    Also, get proof.

    If there’s marks on you, that should be enough.

    If not, try hiding a camera and recording.

    Do your siblings see what’s happening? If so, have them testify too.

  • 8 months ago

    you need to hide a camera and get videos of him abusing you. Show them to your mom. Tell your mom you will show them to the police. If you show them to the police they will probably arrest him and your mom may get very angry. You need to tell your mom and say you dont' want to live their anymore. I would probably get some other places to stay lined up before you do this. Look for childrens homes. Talk to your school counselors. Nobody should have to go through that.

  • C
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    Oh, Ben, this isn't on, and you know it!  I'm really sorry that you're in this situation.  I'm really sorry that your mum is turning a blind eye.  She can't not know that something isn't right (I'm sorry, I grew up with a dad like your step-dad and can spot a mile away that "walking on eggshells" and air humming with tension when he's around even when everyone is trying to act normal), but I can't say whether your mum is choosing not to notice or if some part of her mind involuntarily shuts down that part.  You know this is real and so does your sibling.  Hang on to reality and don't ever let anyone convince you that you don't remember straight because you do.

    I wish I can tell you that it's all going to be okay in the short term (in the long term I think you'll live to move away) but it looks like you're in a situation where no matter what you do you're going to rock the boat and how it goes depends on the adults you can get onside, honestly the more the better.  I can't predict if they'll be there for you - sometimes we get worse allies than we deserve.  You need to do something though because hitty parents like escalate.  One day you won't be able to hold yourself back and you'll hit him back, but because he's still bigger than you and has had more practice (this is not a praiseworthy thing) he's going to use that as an excuse to beat you within an inch of your life and make you the bad guy.  You need to try to do something before this happens.  School will be the least of your worries at that point.  You need to accept that in this awful situation each road ahead is going to be bumpy, it's a matter of choosing one of them.

    So, let's look at what you can do.  First off, do you have privacy to document what is going on?  If nothing at home is safe can a friend or friend's parent keep things safe for you?  If you have bruises or swelling can anyone photo these for you?  Can you keep a diary of these interactions with the time and date prefaced by a summary of when this violence behind your mum's back started and incidents that stand out for you?  It's harder to explain away records as "teenage angst" like my dad used to get away with.

    You need to get other adults on board, and I agree that going to your mom first may not be wise.  She may come round with all guns blazing on your side but I bet you her first reaction will be disbelief and to lash out before processing it (and hopefully accepting it).  It's good if there's another adult you can lean against during that process.  What's your school like?  Do you have a school counselor, a school nurse (they're often trained to deal with this stuff), a form head teacher or such?  Or do you have a favourite teacher who you felt was on your side even if they're not teaching you this year?  Approach them.  Either make an appointment to "talk about something private" or write (realistically easier) to them about all this stuff and ask if they can make an appointment to talk to you about what you can do. (Social services will get involved but this isn't a bad thing, especially if you document this stuff, even if it's diary entries in code in your homework planner.)  Tell them that you don't think your mum knows (this is important info in how they approach this) and that you're scared and how worried you are about school too.  Things will start moving, it will be awkward - horrible, but hopefully you will come out of it in a better place.  I also want to tell you that if this results in stopping school for a while/repeating a year it's not the end of the world.  It feels like it at the time but in ten years won't matter a jot, actually, it won't even matter anymore if/when you go to uni.  You might end up with your dad and that might be better than you fear, you might end up with your mum without your stepdad in the picture (fingers crossed for you), or with a grandparent, or maybe there are scholarships for a residential or boarding school.  Don't be closeminded about any options that get you away from that vile man.

    Finally,one day you will get away.  Even, or maybe especially, when you feel like you're getting your feet under you make the space and budget to go to counselling.  This stuff has weird ways of bubbling up decades after the events that can be self-sabotaging.  It's good to get an outsider's input to firmly fix events in perspective.  When I was in my 30s I stupidly decided to get a handle on those bad years on my own.  In the course of that I spoke to many parents of school friends and a few teachers and found out that it wasn't as secret as I thought.  People knew about it, talked about it, and decided to not get involved for an easy life.  That was much worse than thinking that no adults knew and I sort of fell apart at the seams and became a rageaholic.  Please, please, as soon as you feel "safe enough" decompress with a therapist with experience dealing with child abuse/toxic families and avoid the fallout of trying to suppress your past.  I wish you well and lots of courage.  Just remember, none of this is your fault.  Nobody is perfect but reasonable parents correct their children in reasonable ways.  Your step dad is not reasonable, nowhere near it.

  • 8 months ago

    Hit me again and you go to prison.

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