I need a second opinion about some dialogue for a story I'm writing. All help appreciated.?

“Sire,” I begin, “Ask me anything, and I’ll answer to the best of my ability.” He stayed silent for a moment. “Who are you?”, the Prince said. I swallow the building lump of saliva in my throat, as well as my -------. 

So what I am trying to accomplish here is something along the lines of "swallow my pride" but that not what's happening here, its more like my character is pushing down her fear. I can't seem to think of a word for it though. All help appreciated though. 

10 Answers

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  • Andrew
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Just fill in the gap with something like "apprehension" and get on with the story. You'll likely make heaps of changes later anyway.  

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  • Tina
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    What is important in this scene?

    Is her problem with answering questions - is this an interrogation?

    Or just difficulty swallowing?

    If the former just concentrate on the questions.

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  • Cogito
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Sorry, but that's dreadful.

    You're skipping from the present tense to the past and back again, and saliva doesn't come in 'lumps'!

    Start again, after working on your basic English.

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  • 2 months ago

    I began, not "I begin". Who are you the prince "asked". Lump of saliva? "But that's", not "but that".

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  • 2 months ago

    "...... as well as my bacon. lettuce and tomato sandwich which was liberally basted in mustard".

    This simple action will assure the prince that you're a girl of means who can afford her own sandwiches and therefore the prince knows that you're not going to be a financial sinkhole should marriage rear its expensive head. Hope this helped.

    • Marli
      Lv 7
      1 month agoReport

      Wouldn't "basted with mustard" be correct?  And she is trying to repress, not express, the urge to show the Prince her stomach's contents.

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  • 2 months ago

    Can I do a fast one-pass rewrite?

    “Sire,” I begin, “ask me anything, and I’ll answer to the best of my ability.”

    The Prince stays silent for a moment.  “Who are you?”

    I swallow the growing lump in my throat as well as my fears.

    I suggest you brush up on how to capitalize and punctuate dialogue, and when the author breaks for a new paragraph. Make sure you're in one verb tense. I fixed a lot of small goofs.

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  • denise
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    How about "as well as my dread"?

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  • 2 months ago

    Lumpy saliva?  Tried to quell my fear, or tried to calm my racing heart. Also, watch verb tenses.

  • 2 months ago

    "..... rash words!"

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  • NONAME
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    swallow... saliva...gross..

    • Abby2 months agoReport

      i know, i know ... but i cant think of another analogy or whatever...

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