I need a second opinion about some dialogue for a story I'm writing. All help appreciated.?
“Sire,” I begin, “Ask me anything, and I’ll answer to the best of my ability.” He stayed silent for a moment. “Who are you?”, the Prince said. I swallow the building lump of saliva in my throat, as well as my -------.
So what I am trying to accomplish here is something along the lines of "swallow my pride" but that not what's happening here, its more like my character is pushing down her fear. I can't seem to think of a word for it though. All help appreciated though.
- AndrewLv 71 month ago
Just fill in the gap with something like "apprehension" and get on with the story. You'll likely make heaps of changes later anyway.
- TinaLv 71 month ago
What is important in this scene?
Is her problem with answering questions - is this an interrogation?
Or just difficulty swallowing?
If the former just concentrate on the questions.
- CogitoLv 72 months ago
Sorry, but that's dreadful.
You're skipping from the present tense to the past and back again, and saliva doesn't come in 'lumps'!
Start again, after working on your basic English.
- pianomanLv 72 months ago
I began, not "I begin". Who are you the prince "asked". Lump of saliva? "But that's", not "but that".
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- Sir CausticLv 62 months ago
"...... as well as my bacon. lettuce and tomato sandwich which was liberally basted in mustard".
This simple action will assure the prince that you're a girl of means who can afford her own sandwiches and therefore the prince knows that you're not going to be a financial sinkhole should marriage rear its expensive head. Hope this helped.
- MsBittnerLv 72 months ago
Can I do a fast one-pass rewrite?
“Sire,” I begin, “ask me anything, and I’ll answer to the best of my ability.”
The Prince stays silent for a moment. “Who are you?”
I swallow the growing lump in my throat as well as my fears.
I suggest you brush up on how to capitalize and punctuate dialogue, and when the author breaks for a new paragraph. Make sure you're in one verb tense. I fixed a lot of small goofs.
- deniseLv 72 months ago
How about "as well as my dread"?
- griggleLv 72 months ago
Lumpy saliva? Tried to quell my fear, or tried to calm my racing heart. Also, watch verb tenses.
- Old Man DirtLv 72 months ago
"..... rash words!"
- NONAMELv 72 months ago