My boyfriend won't stop smoking and is using my weight as an excuse, is this wrong?
We've been together 9 years & he was a smoker when we met. He has said he wants to quit & moved from cigarettes to vaping. The vape after 3 years caused his lung to collapse & he ended up in hospital for a week (same month his mother was diagnosed with lung cancer from smoking) When he came out he had successfully gone without smoking for long enough to not crave one. Over the following month he started up again, even though he said he didn't want to. It's been over a year now and he's back to smoking. He has since tried medication but because he wouldn't take it properly it didn't work for him. The reason I'm expressing my concern again is because I'm now 4 months pregnant. I don't want him smoking around me and I don't want him smoking around the baby when they are born. Every time I bring it up he calls me a hypocrite, saying that I can't practice what I preach because I ignore my own problems. My BMI is 30 (which I know is too much) I have stopped habits which I knew were contributing to my weight years ago and even started up the gym. I no longer binge eat or eat unhealthy like I used to. My cholesterol & blood pressure are 'perfect' according to the doctor. But he keeps throwing it in my face & getting nasty about it, a common sentence is “only c*nts point things like that out.” Is he using my weight as an excuse to not change, am I wrong to try & talk it over with him? I know from the last 9 years that if I say nothing he will just continue the way he is.
- FoofaLv 73 weeks ago
Sounds like you both have addictive personalities and you both have to struggle with that. Obviously you can't do a lot of reduction dieting when you're pregnant but even though pregnancy feels like forever it does come to an end eventually. So make him smoke outside until the baby's born then you commit to getting down to a healthy weight. Once you're proving that you have willpower it'll be easier for him to work on his bad habits.
- GBLv 53 weeks ago
You have to decide whether it's better to be a single mom or accept being with a smoker. You are not ignoring your own health problems, you are trying to do something about them. He is the hypocrite, making nasty comments about your weight, while he carries on smoking.
You say he gave up and lost the craving. The stupidest thing he said he started smoking again although he didn't want to. Unless someone held him down and forced him - he CHOSE to try a cigarette. He might have naively believed he could just have one. It doesn't work that way.
- heart o' goldLv 73 weeks ago
Drop this moron immediately.
- Serene ELv 73 weeks ago
Sigh......he was a smoker when you met, yes. But now you are bringing a baby into the world and everyone knows second hand smoke is not good for babies/children.
So this isn't about your weight, it's not about his health, it's about smoking around the baby.
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- Alan HLv 73 weeks ago
Addictions are hard to break.
But, if it is such an issue...move on
- YearoftheRatLv 54 weeks ago
He's not actively doing anything to quit, and he's absolutely using your weight as an excuse to avoid changing. Unfortunately, although can easily keep avoiding change, he cannot use that strategy to avoid cancer. It's a horrid disease that doesn't care one bit about our loved ones, our dreams, or our plans. It's killed nearly everyone on my mother's side of the family (all smokers or wives of smokers). Until he realizes that nightmare (which I wouldn't wish on anyone!!) will very likely become his life, my bet is that he'll continue to make more excuses. Even if you lost weight and won an Olympic medal, my bet is he'd still say something like, "I'm too stressed right now" or "I'll quit when you become vegan!". He's in denial and doesn't sound particularly mature. People like him *sometimes* change when they are scared straight by real pain, but he's already suffered and is still shirking responsibility onto you. I'm not hopeful that he'll change. But that's no reason for you or your baby to suffer. I actually *don't* think you're a hypocrite, but when he calls you that, one way to take the power out of his accusation might be to say: "I see your point. I'm not at my ideal weight, so you see me as a hypocrite. And yet, second-hand smoke isn't a risk I can take." You can't save him, but you can kindly and compassionately protect yourself and your little one. That isn't an unfair decision. Your boyfriend sounds rather immature, so expect him to throw a temper tantrum, but please hold firm. You're not in the wrong and your little one needs you to be confident in your own wisdom.
- Coach SimonLv 74 weeks ago
One really has to wonder why on earth you are having a child with this disrespectful and immature individual, or how you have lasted for nine years. If you say nothing, nothing will change you say - but it seems that if you do talk to him he just swears at you and calls you names. What sort of role model will he be for your child? I strongly suggest some relationship guidance or coaching. Good Luck!
- PatriciaLv 74 weeks ago
Being a bit overweight and being a smoker are two different things all together. Of course, we have the potential for inflammation, diabetes and other issues when we are overweight but smoking impacts all of our organs. Even vaping likely does, but i don't think there's enough research on this to know the true impacts (but you said your boyfriend's lung collapsed).
You're not wrong to try and talk with him and a baby shouldn't be around cigarette smoke at all. Can't he smoke outdoors? Most smokers i know always smoke outdoors, not inside their homes.
- PearlLv 74 weeks ago
you cant stop someone from smoking but maybe you shouldnt be around him if hes going to smoke around you and the baby
- RickLv 74 weeks ago
He's hurting you with a topic he knows you're sensitive about. This works because it takes the attention away from him so that he's not being reminded of something he doesn't want to deal with.