Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 11 months ago

Why has my husband become so passive?

So on the outside we are a perfectly happy couple, same goals, similar friend group, get along with each others families been together a long time. However i am starting to go crazy. He cannot/will not make any decisions about anything. He leaves big decisions up to me (house, decorating, marriage) and agrees with whatever i suggest. I have tried asking him his opinion but he shrugs and just says ‘whatever’ 

He can’t make food, go shopping or anything without my advice or me being there! It’s driving me insane. I feel like his mother! I feel like there’s so much pressure on me day to day as he does nothing around the house and just sails through life having everything sorted for him.

The only thing he manages independently is his own money. 

I have tried getting him to take the lead, but he just sit indoors and do nothing and things just don’t get done. 

I’m at the point where i don’t see him as an equal but someone who i need to take care of, alongside this, i’m no longer attracted to him because he seems more like a teenager than a man! 

he keeps mentioning having kids and i can’t think of anything worse! more responsibility solely for me! 

I want to know is this normal? any reason for this and how can i change it? Or is my relationship doomed?

I’ve brought it up with him several times, he says he will change but nothing ever does

8 Answers

  • Teal
    Lv 7
    11 months ago
    Favourite answer

    This is what he thinks marriage is supposed to be, a second childhood but with a wife who caters to his needs instead of his mother. He managed to take care of himself before he married you. He is perfectly capable of contributing to household chores and he knows what needs to be done. The passivity and incompetence is all an act.  His hope is that you are too attached to him to leave and you will eventually give up and learn your place. Go to counseling, that's probably your only chance. But he has to be motivated to save your marriage and want to change. You can't force him to care.

  • 11 months ago

    Is he able to drive on his own? Just send him out of the house with a list and give him a hug when he returns regardless of the success of the list. Make a list of chores and post them so that there is no question about the division of chores. Give things up. You don't have to take on everything he's putting down. Just run what you are willing to take on. Maybe you've been doing such a good job that he's allowed himself to devolve. You can stop doing such a good job.

  • Anonymous
    11 months ago

    His soul is broken.  You have done him in with your asexuality, and he no longer cares.  He is either:  A) banging some hot sideass;  B) contemplating suicide;  C) in the process of completely giving up, as it is no longer worth the effort;  D) developing a healthy porn addiction

  • RP
    Lv 7
    11 months ago

    If he realizes the negative impact of his behavior and is amenable to improving, then you need more than a single talk to get him to change. It will be a lengthy and perhaps difficult challenge to change deep-rooted behavior. You will need continuing effort with a mix of support and reminders so that he does not bear the burden alone. Unless you are all in as a partner in this effort, nothing positive should be expected.

  • What do you think of the answers? You can sign in to give your opinion on the answer.
  • Anonymous
    11 months ago

    If he changed after you married him I would suggest counseling.  If he was always like this I don't understand why you married him.

    My husband is very laid back, has a very busy and consuming career.  He leaves "running the household" to me.  It's always been this way.  He IS capable of grocery shopping, however.

    Unhappy? Leave.

  • 11 months ago

    Maybe his mother dominated their household and he thinks this is the way it is supposed to be. Would you rather he dominates you? I had a cousin and she was hades on wells, she berated her husband all the time, talked to him like he was a dog. One day we were at my grandmothers' house and she cut loose on him, even though I was younger than she was by 20-25 years, I cut loose on her, I told her he should turn her over his knees and whip the crap out of her. He came to me and started taking up for her, saying he was just stupid and stuff like that but I told him he was a good daddy to his kids and a good person. I told her my mother didn't talk to my father like that. Neither my father or my mother said anything to me about me doing that. Except for her oldest daughter, the other girls dominated their husbands and her sons' wives dominated them. Why don't you get in his face and tell, I want you to be a man not a child and when I see that then maybe we will have a child. He may surprise you. I am the boss in our family but our house is her thing, I don't care what it looks like, it will never look trashed, but the furniture, the pictures on the wall, stuff like that is her job, as long as she likes it, it's okay with me. Maybe you should spank him,he may like it but you may also find yourself sexually excited.

  • Anonymous
    11 months ago

    I have read and noticed that the one in charge is usually the one with the higher intelligence.  When equal, they do all equally. 

    My parents were both officers, since mom was older, she handled all in the home. Dad died young, so this was good. She did not have to figure all out all the bills when dad died. 

    We do get married "For better or worse". 

    Perhaps if you have children he would do better to stay home and rise them there?  Call you if he needs your help or opinion? 

    How about praying to GOD and asking GOD about this? 

  • 11 months ago

    Most women almost always have a plan and rarely do they take hubbies advice about house, decore etc.

    Overall it doesnt matter to him

    I'd say over the years he hasnt been included and you havent used his suggests.

    Next time you have a project ask his advice and use it...offer a couple choices that you can live with and let him pick.

    I think he'd be more interested if he were listened to in reference to a suggestion.

Still have questions? Get answers by asking now.