Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 4 weeks ago

Dating a separated man ?

I'm currently seeing a man who is separated from his wife. We met 2 months ago, and they're 10 months into their separation. 2 more months until he can officially file for divorce. His wife had cheated on him which is what led to the separation. I'm really falling for the guy but trying to be realistic about the situation. He is 27 (married for a year and a half), I am 26. Also I'm a virgin and while I'm ready, part of me feels uncomfortable doing anything with him until the divorce is finalized, but I'm not sure how many months that would take (seems to be a mutual uncontested divorce, but it's hard to predict if things could change). Is it unreasonable to make him wait until he's officially divorced considering divorces aren't always a black and white timeline? 

Update:

*There are no kids involved in this situation, and he's not emotionally unstable - he talks about it maturely/openly with me and how he has no desire to go back as the trust is completely gone. His lawyers also advised him the same. He opened up that he was young at the time and it felt like a natural next step to get married but there were a lot of red flags from the beginning of his relationship, and his family told him the same - but he was young and decided it was easier than starting new.

19 Answers

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  • 4 weeks ago

    Where are you at? I don't think anybody has to wait for a year in the US to file for a divorce.

    • David
      Lv 6
      4 weeks agoReport

      In about half of U.S. states, there is a waiting period of 6 months to 2 years to file for a divorce. NOW YOU KNOW

  • 4 weeks ago

    Sounds like you need to let things take its course, if its meant to be then good & if not move on

  • Ocimom
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    Just keep it cool till the divorce is official, then work on a real relationship with him.

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    Without knowing the divorce laws in the jurisdiction where this is happening it's hard to advise you... Other than to say you're certainly not being too demanding to expect him to at least be divorced before you have sex with him. If he's trying to pressure you into it he's not a good person and you shouldn't hold out hope for a good relationship with him.

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  • Linda
    Lv 5
    4 weeks ago

    You have waited this long and if it is true love, he can wait until you both say your vows in front of a minister. I don't care what anyone says, keep your virginity until you are married. If he rushes you, then he is not the right one.

  • David
    Lv 6
    4 weeks ago

    You need to understand something about divorce. There are two sides to a divorce. There is the emotional side of the divorce, and then there is the LEGAL side of the divorce. The legal side is easier to define. When you get a final decree in hardcopy, then you are LEGALLY divorced. The emotional side is harder to nail down. Only one person in the world will know when they are fully "over" the marriage and ready to move on and start dating again. Nobody on YA can say that a man is "ready" to start dating again. Only the man you are dating can say that. You either trust him, or you don't. If you don't trust him, then you should not be dating him. If you DO trust him and he says he is ready, then HE IS READY to start dating again.

    The important point to remember is that the emotional divorce can be far removed (in time) from the legal divorce. You might be over and DONE with your marriage many months or even YEARS before you have a divorce decree. In the United States, this situation is unnecessarily complicated by artificial waiting periods. Do-gooders want to make sure that the state can determine the father of any "baby" produced in the marriage. Thus, the law is coded to make you wait anywhere from 6 months to a couple of YEARS before you file for divorce, sometimes. That is such Bu77sh&t. I mean, if you are determined to divorce, then the birth of a baby is not going to make you suddenly change your mind...

    And in the days of DNA, any question about who the father is, can be settled QUICK.

    But anyway, you state your man has to wait a couple of more months to be able to legally file for divorce. Yup, that sounds about right. Unnecessary delays, built into the system.

    Now, you should you have sex with him? That is the question. Well, first you need to know that by "waiting", you are going to suffer just as much as he will. Human beings need sex. It's not just a want, it is a need. Also, it has been scientifically proven that denying sex to your partner is emotional abuse.

    Bottom line, there is only one person in the world who can say for sure if your man is ready to start dating again, and that is YOUR MAN. If you trust him enough to keep dating him, then you'd better be sexing him up soon, and often. If you don't trust him, then you should not be dating him at all.

    The only way you can screw up is if you continue to "date" him without having sex with him. That is emotional abuse. He might put up with it for a while. BUT HE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO.

    • David
      Lv 6
      4 weeks agoReport

      Maria - If he says he is ready to date again, he probably is. It would be sad to end the relationship that YOU are happy with. 'nuff said...

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    I'm not sure where you live, but in practically all cases where it's an uncontested divorce and both parties are ready, willing and able to get things over and done with so that they can go about their separate lives, no judge in any court is going to demand that they spend a full year legally separated before divorce proceedings can begin. That sounds extremely suspicious to me. I can only assume that you're an American. I myself am not, but I don't think that discounts the observation that many people in the USA get divorced without a 12 month waiting period. If one person wants to get divorced, it's going to happen. When both people want to get divorced, there shouldn't be any delay at all. 

    If he's not telling the truth about the details of the divorce - if indeed he is planning to go through with it at all - you never know, it's also possible that he's been concocting a story about what led to the separation, i.e.: he blames her infidelity when in reality it could have been his infidelity, lies, deceit, even abuse on his part, who knows?

    It's never a good idea to try to build a foundation with someone who's in the middle of a transition like that. You're young, but not getting any younger. You've saved yourself, and now you're wondering whether or not it might be worth it to give yourself to this man. But he's still legally married to another woman. 

    In the end, it's your decision and yours alone. You could wait 8 weeks and see what happens. I don't know what it might be like to try and conduct a mature relationship for 8 weeks without sex because I haven't done that in many, many years, if ever. But if you are willing to give him a chance and you think you might be happy with him, give him some more time. 

    But you MUST find out the truth about this "impending" divorce. Ask to see actual documentation outlining the proceedings thus far. Find out what the schedule is looking like to make things official, find out who's the plaintiff and who's the defendant in the case and find out what the details of the settlement are. You don't want to get a surprise for Christmas that he has to give his ex-wife half of everything he owns and that he's in the poor house at that point. 

    You're not married to this man, therefore your top priority ought to be yourself. Find out what you need to know to be able to make good, sound, logical decisions based on facts. And if he's uncooperative, secretive or vague, tell him that you're ready to walk away unless he spills the beans about everything. And mean it. 

    • Jordyn3 weeks agoReport

      They can do that even after filing for divorce. It’s not that hard to figure out. Check again you are referring to someone 2016 stuff

  • 4 weeks ago

    The way I’m seeing this you are 26. Still young and have a great life to live and a lot of good memories to make with wonderful people. Don’t waste your time on this guy. The red flag with his is the lie about being separated for a year in order to file for divorce. He could do it anytime, even at 3 months of separation. Now even if you don’t believe us think about this... You are a virgin you want to be able to give it up to the right person, so take your time and find the right guy( and if he is indeed) do it only when you are comfortable not because of his situation. Also unless you see the divorce papers or any separation agreement you cannot state for sure that he will divorce Soon. Bear in mind also that a lot of cheaters feed this line to their victim, they are often separated, or they are staying for the kids, or not sharing a bed together. Anything that works goes. So he might be on good terms with her. So investigate before you jump ship.

    • Jordyn3 weeks agoReport

      But David I really like the way you think. Shows you are in a good relationship yourself.

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    I wouldn't necessarily base the speed of your relationship around the divorce or you could miss an opportunity to consolidate things with this guy. Instead, I would progress based on how emotionally available this guy is. Remember, everyone moves in and out of relationships at different rates. The most important thing is not to do too much too soon with this guy or he may feel overwhelmed by everything given that he has only recently split up with his wife. In saying that, this will probably suit you as you may want to exercise a little caution with this guy. What I would focus on for now is just getting to know each other on an emotional level by talking and sharing experiences together. This will make for a more meaningful relationship in the future when this guy moves on emotionally. I really hope this helps :)

    Source(s): Does this guy talk openly with you about what his ex did to him? Do you feel that he is over it or is he still hurt?
    • Maria4 weeks agoReport

      I really like this advice thank you! Just have to move at a pace im comfortable with and keep doing  what we are doing until ready to take it to the next step. Hopefully that suits him too as he's just transitioning out of a marriage. If not, it's an answer in itself for me.

  • 4 weeks ago

    girl get out of the situation yikes

    • Jordyn3 weeks agoReport

      or he might even stay with her, but he will not love her like she deserves to be loved. because she was only a means to forget the other. she is young she needs to live her life with someone who is all in. Don’t push people to stay in complicated relationships because you like seeing people couples

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