I need help with my family?
My husband and I are expecting our first child in December. We’re all super excited, and naturally nervous. We currently live in an apartment that is older, could use some updating, and isn’t the most glamorous place but it’s livable and there’s nothing outright that’s wrong with it. However, my parents while trying to be generous and “thoughtful” they keep trying to push us to move. They have offered to get us a nicer place, with more space, closer to family, and has more amenities. They said there would be no strings attached, just to “help us” and they just don’t like where we live. I’ve had several discussions with my husband and he’s just not for it. He doesn’t see the need for it, and doesn’t want to accept money from my family, and says that he doesn’t just want to move to another apartment, unless it’s a house. With him being the only income right now I just worry about him handling all of this new responsibility solo, and my parents offered to help pay for this new apartment. My mom in particular keeps bugging me constantly, and while I would be okay with moving, (I don’t necessarily see the downside) he is not. I just don’t know how to handle this back and forth.
- Anonymous9 months ago
Your parents need to back off and you need to stick by your husband. I'm really surprised you don't see the problem with your parents offering you stuff and your husband not being onboard with it. You have a husband. You're going to have a family with him. You and your husband need to stick together and you need to firmly tell your parents that while you appreciate them looking out for you, they need to back off and stop offering because you are going to stick with your husband. How do you think it makes your husband feel that you feel the need to accept your parents' offerings while being with him? You and your husband are a unit - you should work with your husband and together solve your finances. Don't go around to your parents to give you financial support. Work it out with your husband. Save up for a bigger place.
- LindaLv 79 months ago
I know your parents mean well and that is very generous of them, but I can see where your husband is coming from. He wants to wait and save up for a house and not move to another apartment. Your parents need to back off. You need to be more firm with them or they will just keep it up.
- Serene ELv 79 months ago
Look, as a daughter that is very close to your mom, you need to stop your mom in her tracks.
She will have 1,000 suggestions, tips, suggestions, about EVERYTHING, until you are sick of it. Yes, she does have experience, she can help with the baby, but it's a fine line between helping and overbearing, between helping and taking over completely.
YOU have to be the adult in this situation, telling her when and where she can help, not letting her set the [ace. You and your husband will be the parents, not you and your mom. Do you get that? This is difficult because he'll be working, he'll be tired when he gets home, the baby might be crying, etc. But you and your husband are the parents. Don't let it be your mom that's the parent.
- Anonymous9 months ago
"I just don’t know how to handle this back and forth."
That's because you need a priority adjustment. Once you see this, everything will become a lot easier. You are a wife and soon-to-be mom. THIS is your family, and this is what you always put first. Your husband sounds perfectly reasonable when he says he doesn't want to take money from your parents. This is when the issue should have been settled. He doesn't want to feel like your mom is dictating where he lives. Also, once money gets involved, dynamics can subtly change. I'm actually surprised YOU don't see the problem with it. If your husband realizes you kind of like the idea, he'll probably feel bad he can't provide for his family. See what I mean?
Also, ignore Pearl. It's never ok to throw a spouse under the bus. You need to be much more firm and shut this down for good. "Mom, I appreciate the offer, but we're declining it, so please don't bring it up again. We're perfectly happy where we are, and it's home to us".
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- Pearl LLv 79 months ago
just say thanks but your husband dont want to accept it
- ?Lv 79 months ago
What help do you need? They offered, you discussed with your husband and he is not on board with it, that means it does not work for you as a couple/family so thank them for their offer and decline.
Adults pay their own rent/mortgage, they don't rely on their parents for help with it. Newer, better, more amenities cost more and the place you live in needs to be something you can realistically afford on your own. What if something happened with your parents' income/finances and they were no longer able to assist you... what is your plan then?
You need to look at long term, moving is a pain and if your goal is a house just wait for that.
- 9 months ago
It sounds like a classic case of your husband trying to show that he can provide for the family. In my opinion, if you're going to live with your husband and not your parents, your husband needs to be on-board with whatever you decide. I might try to get through to him that it makes more economic sense or something. Or, maybe you could explain that to your parents and encourage them to find other ways to help you guys.
- Donnie PorkoLv 79 months ago
There is never a no strings attached when someone says they’re doing it out of the goodness of their hearts.
Think about it. Why is it close to families. Your parents will use it against you or him when they don’t agree with you. The only way that they won’t have any leverage is when they have nothing over the two of you.
- don_sv_azLv 79 months ago
1) There are always "strings" even if they are not immediately visible.
2) Your husband doesn't want to feel like he needs "help" paying the additional rent.
3) Moving is a pain in the ***, I wouldn't do it again if someone paid me.
- MikeyLv 79 months ago
Stay where you are and do things your way. Let your life be yours. Keep them out of your finances and don't be in a position where you "owe" them as it were.