Brisco asked in Society & CultureEtiquette · 2 months ago

I thought my new roommate & I were a good match but now I'm not so sure?

I'd been searching for 2 months for a place to live, finally found a guy online (Craig's List) who needed a roommate. He & his place fit what I wanted perfectly (we're from similar backgrounds, the area of the city was where I wanted, within my budget).

Then my first night there, he said "I'm taking off", and he was gone for he whole weekend. It turned out he'd spent it at his girlfriend's. 

I felt slighted. Not because he was gone for a weekend, but because he said absolutely NOTHING to me about it beforehand. 

Isn't it a courtesy to communicate with roommates, or am I making too much out of this?  It just felt a bit rude to me.

He's continued this pattern for the last two weeks, spending most nights at his girlfriend's, and only occasionally returning to the apartment that we share.

I don't know him well at all, but we'd had several conversations, and I thought we'd get on well.  And I've had roommates before.  Coming and going, it's normal, and of course you don't have to communicate to roommates where you're going. But I just feel invisible, like I'm completely unimportant, nothing more than 1/2 of the rent.

We don't have to be friends as roommates, but I don't know, something just feels really lacking. I'd thought there would be a bit more interaction. At least basic communication.

On the one hand I'm happy to have the place to myself, but it just feels a bit rude to me the way he completely ignores me.

Update:

For example the other night he came in after being gone several days, passed by my bedroom (to get to his). My door was slightly ajar, he could have easily said "Hey" or something, but he said nothing, just walked into his room w/his gf and closed the door.

It feels awkward to me! IS it an awkward situation? For me a little more human contact is normal. What isn't normal is to be completely ignored.

Update 2:

I don't know what the issue is. It just feels really "off" to me. I was desperate for a place to live ad was really excited to get this. But now it feels like a huge let-down. I don't want to live in an environment where peopl just come & go ignoring each other with barely even a "hello" here and there. it feels disfunctional--is it?

Update 3:

I've been wondering if he's gone so much because he finds me unpleasant to be around.

Update 4:

But he previously told me that I was the only person he interviewed as a potential roommate. So obviously he would have kept looking if he didn't like me, I assume. I don't know what the issue is.

17 Answers

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    This roommate is there to share expenses and chores and nothing more. He's not your friend, this is a professional arrangement. One would think you'd like paying only half the rent but still having the place to yourself much of the time. Sounds like maybe you need some friends so you can invite them over to your new place.

  • 2 months ago

    He can't possibly dislike you if he took off to see his girlfriend the very first weekend - he didn't have time to form an opinion about you.

    I understand what you're saying, but look, he's around sometimes, so why not just have a casual 'Hi, good weekend?' kind of conversation with him if you happen to bump into him in the corridor? Or you said you could see him through the door - so why didn't YOU call out, 'Hey, how's it going?' Very possibly he thought you might be asleep, or reading, and didn't want to disturb you.

    If you want to have some kind of friendly relationship, there's no reason why YOU can't be the one to initiate it. Just don't be pushy; he obviously values his privacy.

  • 2 months ago

    You have to look at the past room mate or room mates. Some people just don't give out information on what they are doing. I'll bet that this person has a perfectly logical reason for not telling you where he is going and when he is coming back. It probably hasen't worked out in his favor before. Give it some time. Time to get to know him better. If I'm going somewhere, I might or might not tell you when I'm coming back. The question of "Why do you need to know" comes to mind. Maybe the last room mate made things difficult for him by knowing too much about his business. Ask too much and you may be rebuked by the statement, "None of your damn business!" People have their reasons. And how this all makes you feel is something that is your problem and not his. Know that there is probably a good answer. But maybe not also.

  • drip
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    He should not clear his schedule with you. You only need communication to live on the same space. Clean , trash, loud music, stuff.

    There is no reason why he needs to share his life with you.

    This has nothing to do with you or how much he likes you. Or dislikes you. He had a life before you knew him. He is just continuing with it. There is no reason why he needs to tell you what he is doing when no int he room with you. You have unrealistic expectations

    Leave the guy alone.

    • Brisco2 months agoReport

      And I don't WANT or need to know his schedule. My God, it's like the question went COMPLETELY over your thick head! You don't sound too bright that's for sure.

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  • JuanB
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    You are paying for shared accommodation but instead you mostly have the place to yourself. This is GREAT!

  • mom
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    you are roommate's, not friends and he may not want to tell you his plans. you should do what you do and not tell him either

  • 2 months ago

    hes too busy with his girlfriend to pay attention ot you

  • 2 months ago

    It sounds like you became roommates with a set of expectations upon your roommate, and that isn't unreasonable. What is unreasonable is to bring your set of expectations with you and not tell your roommate what your expectations are. Maybe if you do, things will change.

  • 2 months ago

    There is no obligation for your roommate to tell you about his comings and goings, and it would seem you went into this arrangement with an expectation of having hang time together. Perhaps you were seeking friendship or a brotherhood connection? You pay half the rent and you have your own space, and it is not uncommon for roommates/housemates to have their own social circle, and only cross paths occasionally. You feeling invisible is not the responsibility of your roommate, you are responsible for your own thoughts/feelings. What you see as being ignored, could be your roommate simply going about his business. Ultimately, decide what you are looking for in a roommate, and if necessary, you may need to find an alternative share arrangement.

    • Brisco2 months agoReport

      All I know is I've been in roommate situations before, and in all of them, there was a lot more commraderie & socializing. Not friendship per se, but friendLY. He has been very considerate & responsive at other times, so I might be reading too much into it. Or have different expectations.

  • 2 months ago

    He isn't ignoring you. You are transferring unmet expectations into something personal. Expectations he knows nothing about. You should just ask him if he'd let you know when he is going to leave and when he expects to return. I'm sure if you do that in a respectful manner he'll comply. And start doing the exact same thing even if you are just going to the store or something. Some people just aren't as willing to share their comings and goings like others are. I really don't think you should take it personally though.

    • Brisco2 months agoReport

      Well yes it is my home, though he's the lease holder.

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