Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 4 weeks ago

What do you think of this short story? Am I gifted for writing?

He closed his eyes and opened them again, breathing deeply. He was out in the cold, under a grey sky, in a dirty and heavy uniform. The ground was wet because of the rain, the water got into the boots, his bones ached and he felt weary. Everything that surrounded him was causing distress. He was hungry and extremely lonely, like a newborn orphan child. A feeling of desperate anguish caught ihm in the worst moment, in which he was at the most vulnerable. He imagined that she was close to him. He knew it was just an astraction of his young mind tired of everything, a necessary illusion as not to suffer further. A way to stay alive, to pretend that everything was normal. There she was in front of him. Her long hair, her childlike smile, the white nightgown; she was reaching her hands out to him, kissed him and welcomed him in her arms. The smell od innocence he got lost in. Would he ever smell it again? He wondered if she was alright, if she was cold like he was, if she was sad, if she thought of him, just like he every single moment thought of her. Something, an instinctive presentiment, told him yes. 

What do you think of it (honest opinions)? Are there grammar mistakes (english is not my mothertongue)? 

Update:

It's about a young man with a troubled past who was forced to enrol in WWI. He thinks of the girl he loves because he misses her like oxygen and her thought is the only thing that keeps me alive , so he can pretend that everything that he's going through is 'normal'. Thank you for your feedback I actually didn't expect it. I also appreciate the correction of the mistakes

14 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago
    Best answer

    It could use a bit of work. Short stories aren't really that short unless you're going for flash fiction. We should know who these people are. What caused his distress?

    The third sentence could have went like this: "The rain made the ground wet. The water fell into the boots. His bones ached, and he felt weary." And "The smell od innocence he got lost in" should be "He got lost in the smell of innocence". Though innocence doesn't have a smell. Hope this helps.

    • bluebellbkk
      Lv 7
      4 weeks agoReport

      Zac is spot on. It would be madness for a writer to take advice from anyone who's capable of saying 'could have went'.

  • 4 weeks ago

    But it isn't a story. It's a description of a young man in a difficult and painful situation, and compared with some of the stuff we're asked to read on here it's not too bad at all, but it's not a story.

  • SRB101
    Lv 5
    4 weeks ago

    Work a bit more with the language: “a persistent drizzle kept the ground soaked and the water had leached its way through every ounce of his muddy, heavy uniform.”

    Something to that effect.

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    No, you are not gifted for writing.

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  • 4 weeks ago

    not bad at all, that I wanna say

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    Shows potential but needs work. I'd like more of a sense of setting, who "he" is, where he is, what he is doing there and why, his age and other basic details, and who "she" is. What year it is, what time of day it is. Maybe more physical description of both people. Read books about writing or engage the help of an editor who speaks your native language.

  • 4 weeks ago

    The style is OK, albeit a little florid. I would not really call this a 'story' however. Who are these people? What's happening? Why do we care? I guess if you like mood vignettes, but they aren't really my thing.

  • Marli
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    I think you have un-needed adjectives and that you should use all right instead of alright; but you can conjure a picture of desire.

    He was hungry and extremely lonely, like a newborn orphan child. [Newborns don't understand "lonely" and are unlikely to be orphans]A feeling of (desperate [cut ] )anguish caught (ihm in the worst moment, in which he was at the most vulnerable.) [at his most vulnerable moment or when he was most vulnerable]

  • John
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    Nicely done in its way. The water "had gotten" into his boots. But like so many young writers here, you wrote a long paragraph that says exactly nothing. What IS the point?

  • Zac Z
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    It's really quite good. I expected a mediocre text (most of the bits offered for critique here are like that) but was very pleasantly surprised.   :-)

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