My girlfriend cried because of my past. Why did it make me feel so strange? Not happy nor sad?
It's like I was estranged from myself. We had sex while she was in my house. She kept asking why I treated her that way (grabbing her arm really tight) after she kissed me and I told her that it was because I wasn't ready for that in that moment (I was not in the mood) and told her the truth, that I was abused by my stepfather as a child. She started crying and sobbing after I showed her where and when he did that. I hugged her tight, the roles had inverted. Then we started to kiss and it just happened. Like a normal thing this time. Not traumatic or mind confusing and destroying like I used to know it. She told me it will always be like this, that it will always happen with someone I love, from now on, she promised. Then she said 'I'm so sorry, I didn't know, please forgive me'. I said there's nothing to forgive it's not your fault'. And she broke down crying, with a red face, naked she couldn't even breathe because of her breath going too fast and tears. At some point her crying sounded more like a mourning of some death and I hugged her, she hugged me back and kept crying, leaving her tears and everything from her nose on my chest, dhe couldn't stop crying until I was so afraid she would have choked because of the way she was crying. She calmed down only after I said it's alright, it's long gone (I lied, it never goes away) and she kept on hugging me so tight I can never forget that. She didn't want to let go of that embrace and we stayed like that for whole minutes.
I honestly cannot say if I was happy or sad at her reaction. It was just... emotional. She didn't want to let go of me, she kept holding me tight. Like she could make me forget everything. But it's always there at the back of my mind. I can't be neither happy or sad, it was a strange feeling. Not even relieve. I just felt a bit more alive than I usually was but still... cant figure it out. She acted like devastated by the whole thing. She told me I'll never be alone. But still,it changes nothing