My fiancé continues to contact his exes behind my back. What should I do?
So I've been with my fiancé for 4 years, engaged for 1. Right when we moved into together, his most recent ex sent me a message saying that he'd called her a year into our relationship to say he still loved her. I knew nothing of any of this. I confronted him and he admitted to having called her, but denied the rest. He waited until AFTER he proposed to admit that he did, in fact, tell her he still loved her. He said it was all foolishness on his part and that he's never regretted anything more, because with time he's come to realize that I'm the only woman he's ever really loved and it was all just a terrible mistake. Well, I find out that a couple of months ago, he contacted yet another old flame of his. He said he knew it was wrong, but he was mad at me (it was after a fight) and he found himself missing their intellectual conversations. He actually screamed at me when I cried about it, saying I'm being dramatic over something he did with innocent intentions. He can't seem to understand that I have every right to feel betrayed given our past history with this same bs, thinking we'd agreed to leave the past in the past and no more secrecy and betrayal. I just needed to vent since he left me alone crying on the couch so he could go sleep. Thx to anyone who replies <3
- TealLv 79 months agoFavourite answer
I think you already know what you should do. He has lied to you over and over again, and when he is caught, he always has an excuse. The second incident is really the most disturbing. Besides backhandedly calling you stupid, he has told you that his loyalty and commitment are conditional. If you displease him, he will feel justified in ignoring your boundaries and seeing his exes. Not only has he given you plenty of reason to be insecure, he has weaponized it against you. This isn't a healthy relationship. At minimum you need to call off the engagement.
- FoofaLv 79 months ago
Tell him the wedding's off until he gets all these exes out of his system. Move out and give him a reasonable period of time to tie things up, three to six months is probably enough. Then when that time has expired do your homework to find out if he's being honest. If he is tell him the wedding's in 12 months or less, period. If he's still dallying around then you'll know you need to move on.
- Dr. StephanieLv 79 months ago
Well, he's clearly a "liar, liar, pants on fire" type of guy ! If you can't trust him, there is no viable relationship, period. By accusing you, he's trying an old tried and true tactic: the best defense is a good offense. If you still want to hang on to this person, then the problem isn't him, it will be you. Good wishes and good luck,
- Brenda MorrisLv 69 months ago
He has not learned to protect a relationship. So any friction sends him shopping for love and sympathy of another woman. Ouch that is painful.
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- Anonymous9 months ago
Well, why would you want to marry a guy that calls up his exes to tell them he loves them and misses them everytime the two of you have an argument or things aren't going good ?
Imagine three or five years down the line when you have kids and he is pulling off this ? Or worse, he feels overwhelmed and misses his old life and just gets his stuff and leaves ?
He is not to be trusted. People like him will ALWAYS be nostalgic of the past, they thrive on the past and past relationships and don't live life enjoying the present or the future. I had an ex like this myself which is why I can tell you that's just a personality thing with them.
Stay if you want to, but don't expect any long lasting changes. We are who we are.
Find you someone that doesn't need to reach out to exes when you hit a rough patch. Now, there's a keeper.
- YYYZZ 2Lv 79 months ago
Say goodbye. Auf Wiedersehen. Si-a Nara.
- KazLv 69 months ago
If he's already lying to you before your married - I'd take that as a sign (like a huge flashing neon sign) - it's only going to get WORSE. So, me, I'd cut my losses and move on - I'd want to find someone that would treat me with respect, and have an "honest" monogamous relationship. Good luck.
- LoonaseeLv 49 months ago
No one here can possibly know what is the right answer for you but I would suggest rereading what you posted as many times as it takes to realize that you already know the answer.