Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsSingles & Dating · 11 months ago

Fighting with boyfriend of 1.5 years; is our problem resolvable or should we try to move on?

First off, let me say I would much rather talk to a professional couples therapist but I don't have the money for one rn. So he's my first boyfriend, my first love and I'm also his first everything. We're best friends and our first year was great together. Unfortunately this year it's turned into an on-again, off-again relationship. I'm very happy with him, he's the one that think we don't have enough in common.

He's constantly disappointed that I'm not interested in basketball, going to the gym, and video games, three of his favorite things. I understand he wants to share these things with me so I've done them with him a few times. He gets upset because he can tell that I'm not interested. But i try! I think that should count for something. And we do plenty of other fun things together. As a couple, we like to play chess, travel, and eat out. He says doing these things "only goes so far" in making him happy.

He's being narrow-minded by not accepting that I'm just not interested in those things, and by thinking that just because I'm not that means we are incompatible. I'm being narrow minded by refusing to put more effort into these interests of his. Part of me says, if I really wanted this relationship to work I would go ahead and try to play basketball and go to the gym and play video games with him. But I also don't understand why I have to if everything else is great.

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  • 11 months ago
    Favourite answer

    It's almost impossible to have everything in common with our partner, and differences can be interesting. Differences can also give each person in a relationship some down time from the relationship, which is never a bad thing.

    The most important things in a relationship as far as i'm concerned is a close emotional bond, mutual trust, respect and acceptance.

    I think most couples don't have a lot of hobbies and interests in common. I also believe that each couple will do something together at times, based on one or the other's interests.

    Seems to me that your boyfriend doesn't know what's important in a relationship. And if he's all into the video games, basketball and going to the gym, he is. Why does he expect you to be HIM? You're not.

  • 11 months ago

    No it is not resolvable. Either he is very immature and trying to REMAKE you (into a very ODD version of the STEPFORD wife) or...he is USING this as an EXCUSE to break up. You can't be something you are not.

    Sure, you can try to enjoy basketball games on TV or in person, some of the time. (It's a fast paced game - unlike baseball) but playing basketball (decently) is not so often a "girl" thing, nor are a lot of us ideally "built' or structured for it with superior calves - for jumping & FLAT chests.

    Lots of people (in couple-dom) have hobbies but many do not SHARE the same hobby. It does not make for problems or divorce. He does golfing, while you do search & rescue training with your dog, or take a run... so what? I think DIFFERENCES make us each more interesting (if you ever TALK) not less so. If good SEX, food, travel & chess (you do "seem" to have in common) are not enough, too BAD. He can TAKE a HIKE!

    He wants you to SUBMIT and like.. ONLY (and exactly) what he likes but that negates => you being WHO YOU ARE, and is not FAIR or reasonable. WHO DIED, and made him GOD????

  • 11 months ago

    I agree with you. He is not letting you be your own person. He needs to cut you some slack. After you are not a man and men and women often are different with good reason to be different. And that includes interests.

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    11 months ago

    The statistics on "first" loves working out longterm are pretty grim and not in your favor. I'm usually a broken record on people getting couple's counseling, but I don't think that would help here. Your problem isn't a lack of communication or infidelity or even money trouble. It's simply that you lack the common ground upon which to build the kind of relationship he apparently wants. You can't fake being into what he's into and he's apparently not willing to have the kind of pairing where you just each go do your own thing. This can sometimes be mitigated by just not spending much time together. But then if you're someone who wants to be around him all the time that won't work either. You say "everything else is great"...but what else is there? Liking the same food and being able to please each other in bed isn't an equate foundation for a relationship.

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  • 11 months ago

    I'm in a similar situation. My partner and I don't share a whole lot of interests, she does her thing and I do mine, but that works just fine for us. The things we DO have in common are enough, and we spend enough time together that it's mutually satisfying. So absolutely it can work, if both people want it to. Your bf sounds a bit immature and self-involved, but that's a common hurdle. 

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