How does a difficult, absolutely confusing and painful sexuality (as a group of general pattern types) usually affect itself and function?

.Any insight or helpful appropriate/relevant advice are appreciated.

If sexuality and sexual feelings (all the way to the most basic patterns) are only uncomfortable and intensely confusing for someone or if they mix with a lot of intensely uncomfortable, confusing and intertwined feelings or concepts, is it 'normal' for the sexuality to take those reactions as energy? (Either for horniness or to make you exponentially uncomfortable/confused/paralyzed at every possible association)

Is it normal to feel very painfully uncomfortable, confusing, etc. feelings in the pubic area before and during a confusion/terror, or by itself at the sight/thought that sexuality/nudity/etc might exist (NOT in any arousal-like sense)? (male)

Ideas on how to manage, neutralize/numb, etc. it?

It's been a bit extreme for me a lot of years and has always been very difficult and uncomfortable for varying reasons. I felt like asking for insight or answers on this part of it.

It's a bit extreme how much I censor or avoid for it. I'd go through a lot of torture to have a penectomy, castration, chemicals, etc. if I'd find anything safe.

I'm dedicating all my personal energy to not be as complicated, stressed, kind of paranoid and so on like 2-6 years ago and a bit before, but it's slow (if you'd think I could get meds like ssri's or anti androgens)

I've let go of regulating, caring, punishing, etc parts in me and I don't manage things like this now, but these were always very persistent patterns.

Update:

The pattern isn't a problem in the bad senses, no addiction rn or whatever inappropriate stuff, it's just that the discomfort is torture for me (less than last year : I could barely shower without clothing for awhile, and different torturous patterns from my head cycled themselves constantly).

Sorry for my poor English in any case, only use it online. I've been drinking a lot. Haven't analyzed stuff much since early 2018. Very overwhelmed/unsettled for too long. Very sentimental now sorry.

Update 2:

Maybe those feelings on some basic sensations have generalized a bit. I do fear anything close too, some of it stems from forcefully isolating/hiding to some extremes and similar. Associating sensations or closeness with sexuality (or the other way around) or similar too. Basic physical sensations mostly don't seem much more than themselves, but that's inconsistent. Mostly seems indirect when/how they're horrifying.

Update 3:

I can't enjoy things much anymore and it has quite generalized. Physical sensations are gone for that aspect.

The approach you're giving seems logical - giving them a place and something to compare themselves to. I can't really feel ok with the goal much if I am conscious of it. Regardless I don't want that. Can't neutrally think much now. Significantly intense emotions there to respect a bit.

I have worked a lot on it though for a year. It's a back and forth.Intensely confusing and unbearable

Update 4:

Now that I allow to mention stuff slightly more, I fear isolation/dissimulation/hiding feelings and what not a lot of the time if I'm not unsettled or stressed. I just try to be transparent, give info and vent. It's lesser than how I was with me.

I need to say that you've been more than help and every couple days I think of you. I wish you anything well and you seem to be well and able to enjoy, be content, serene and what not at least sometimes, or at least I hope for you.

Update 5:

This untangled stuff a lot, thank you. That is invaluable help for me. I'll read again a lot of times. I can't deal with confusion and such at all, and I kind of avoid analyzing too much for my care, or I can't. I'm starting to try and accept that not everything of me was mean to me, and it's at least improving.

Update 6:

Maybe unrelated, but I'm sorry I still desperately want those things I mentioned. It would actually help and make this part of it easier and quicker. It'd be immensely easier. Maybe it seems cowardly, but I'd rather not have to deal with it as much. It seems reasonable. I don't think most of it could be helped much at this point. Painfully sad, though numb and distant/evaded

In any case thank you so much. I'm not doing ok and this meant more than anything probably could. Thank you so much.

1 Answer

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  • 6 months ago
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    You seem to have a horror of emotions or sensations you cannot explain to yourself. You are horrified to discover that you feel pleasure from a breeze on your skin, for example, because you cannot explain the logic behind why that should occur. You therefore have implanted in your own mental habits a cancellation process that automatically attempts to overwrite and un-do such pleasures. Those mental habits (of your own making) cause the distress and discomfort that you report here. This is analogous to religious fanatics who physically torture themselves to drive away, and atone for, thoughts or feelings other than devotion to their religious ideals.

    Understand that it is not necessary to understand the logic behind sensations and appetites. These things are all natural parts of our life cycle. They all serve specific purposes, and that legitimizes them, regardless of whether we understand exactly what is happening inside us or not. There is no reason for horror, and no reason to avoid or limit our experience of these natural things.

    The only way to reduce your distress is to reduce the effectiveness of the mental habits you have created. You might be able to do that by deliberately exposing yourself to physical pleasure - perhaps by lightly brushing your fingertips over your face, your scalp, or the inner part of your forearm. Your brain will tell you that this results in an alarming, unpleasant or disgusting experience - but this is untrue, and you will have to tell yourself that it is untrue. Your brain will immediately and forcefully reply that you are lying, and you will feel more distress. Do not argue with yourself. Instead, wait a few minutes and repeat the light stroking, and repeat your suggestion to your brain that it feels good - not unpleasant or disgusting. Your brain will again strongly reject that. Don't argue. Repeat this entire process as often as you can over days, weeks, months. You will find your brain's rejection of your suggestion that the sensation is pleasant slowly diminishes and eventually disappears. And then you can enjoy the sensation.

    This same process can be used to help you remove the habits you have created to avoid enjoying touches to your penis or other intimate areas. There is no need for you to consider or understand the logic or motivations involved in such an experience. There is no need to speculate about whether what you are feeling is "normal" or "moral" or "correct" or "strange". Eventually, you might be able to enjoy masturbation, without the least distress. That would be a good goal for you.

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    • Sorry if it bothers - I felt like saying thank you again often and just thought of doing so. It kind of was inclusive and nice, and while a lot of other issues are going bad, these ones spiral differently and there's less synergy with others. Not ok, but the clearer direction feels like a far hope

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