dessa asked in Family & RelationshipsFriends · 3 months ago

My best friends parents are racist?

I’m black and I’ve been best friends with a girl since elementary school who happens to be vietnamese. Our friend group is pretty diverse, there are three black girls (me included) five white girls and two Pakistani girls. I’ve never met her parents before but her mother happened to see us all hanging out at the mall and scolded my friend for hanging out “with black people” . My friend cried a lot due to her mother hating us and not wanting her daughter to be associated with us. It seemed like as the years went by that we started drifting. She would only invite her Pakistani friends to her house and we never hung out outside of school anymore. She would always make up an excuse to not go out with us. Then she made new friends sophomore year and they happened to be her own race. She hangs out with them wayyyyy more than she ever hung out with us in our span of almost 10 years of being friends.. and now she doesn’t sit with us anymore. I haven’t spoken to her since the beginning of sophomore year and now we are juniors. I understand why she left due to cultural differences. But I’m still in shock, we were so close

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  • 3 months ago
    Best answer

    I'm really sorry about that. My parents are racists as well, but unlike your friend, my parents don't get to dictate whom I befriend. I think you should understand that there can be a lot of pressure, and that your friend, unfortunately, has given in to it. With Asian parents (at least if they're anything like my mother), she might not have had much of a choice.

    Yes, this could mean that you've lost a friend (at least until she feels she'a able to stand up to her parents), but it doesn't mean that her feelings for you were invalid. You were a friend, and she probably still thinks of you fondly.

    I say keep the door open, she might return when she moves out from home, and isn't controlled so much by her parents.

  • 3 months ago

    And? How do you separate out a race and a culture?

    So if you believe that cultural attitudes are not good for your child you have a duty to them.

    But if those attitudes are mixed with race is it actually racist or not?

    And even if it was racist what could you do about it? What should you do about it?

    "Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can".

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    Sounds like it. But it's important to remember that your friend apparently didn't learn this bad behavior from her parents and is trying to make her own way in the world accepting people of other races. So blank the parents if you wish but your friend is showing courage by not echoing what she's hearing in her home. So give her props for that because it's often difficult to break out of patterns of thought when you're raised by racists.

  • Anonymous
    3 months ago

    Racism still exist and will never dis. There will always be prejudices no matter how the media instills it. It is just the way of life.

    I would just move on and find a city area where integration is more acceptable than a fringe area.

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  • 3 months ago

    Sadly you get influenced by your family as well as everyone around you and the situations you get into as a child. You are one of the lucky ones. You obviously come from an open-minded family who don't bar their children from everything and everyone life has to offer. Be VERY thankful. Some cultures are very strict. Tiny children playing together know nothing about race/religion/colour. They just make friends. As they grow older and watch the adults they know, love and trust and what makes them tick, they try to be like them and if their culture bans or dislikes other nationalities, it's hard for prejudices not to rub off in the children's formative years. Sadly, your Viet friend comes from a restrictive family which upset her a lot at first - but over the years (choice between family/friends and family always wins) she's found it easier to just go along with the family line. She won't be as strict as them in adulthood - this is why it takes SO long for prejudices etc to get ironed out - sometimes generations. Don't NOT talk to her when you see her. Wave and say Hi as you would to any acquaintance. It's up to her whether she responds.....she probably will but has formed a new group of friends. Friendships come and go. It's part of growing up and learning. You are shocked because you don't feel you would ever do that to a close friend......but you come from a far more forgiving family than she obviously does. Although it feels like yours.....this is actually HER loss. She's lost a good friend over what???......racial prejudice, skin colour, surface differences. You (and probably she) know that what goes on inside is what REALLY matters. Let it go. Smile and be polite to everyone and you'll have a happier life than sadly, she will. Good luck.

  • 3 months ago

    She stopped hanging around you because she was getting guff from her mother and i'm sure it was stressful. It's not about you personally, i'm sure.

  • 3 months ago

    My experience is that racism is typically taught by the parents, through both actions and word. I remember clearly when my "aunt" told me that the black stuff on blacks would rub off on me if I continued to play with that "black boy" in the neighborhood. I continued to play with him, but I'll never forget my aunt's try to teach me racism with fake information.

    Asian families tend to be tighter and more authoritarian than black or white families. So I'm guessing that your Vietnamese friend will not fight back against her mom's wishes. And that might continue on after she's left school because she still has to revere her mom, her family.

    Best you can do is wait it out. Maybe your friend will re-remember your friendship and approach you again. But don't bet on it.

  • 3 months ago

    Maybe her parents won't let her be friends with you now, but when she turns 18, they can't stop her.

    So if I were you, I would find some way to speak with her, and maybe give her a birthday card and Christmas card or whatever. I imagine she is embarrassed about what has happened. But she kind of has to obey her parents mostly, for now. So don't expect her not to.

    Now, I don't know how she will respond. But if you let her know that you miss her and still want to be her friend, it can't hurt anything.

  • y
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    Multiple things going on starting with her *** of a mother, limiting and or stopping her hanging with you. Not you friend(ex) fault but that limited contact feed into the next thing. As kids grow, the childhood friends start to expand their circle and go in different directions. This is normal and often handled very poorly.

    You already know why she didn't/wasn't inviting you over her house anymore, her mother. That is not her fault, nor is the growing apart. That happens all the time, the clicks, the friend groups switch.

    But you are seeing things through race, it is easy to do considering there is so much crap out there that does play into the race BS. But this is not one of those situations.

  • That's nice sunny

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