My parents told me I will never amount to anything and that I was an idiot. Now at 41 I believe that. How do I find value in myself?
Well Edna, I guess you said it, I may as well give up in life since I am a loser.
- EdnaLv 76 months agoFavorite Answer
You're 41 years old, and you're STILL buying into something you parents said about you when you were kid? You should have gotten over that YEARS ago. You're a loser, and I'm afraid there's no help for you - not at this late date in your life.
- 6 months ago
You need a sympathetic listener to talk out your feelings. It's not simple to forget was was said in the past. I'm sure you would have done that already if you could. Imagine you see a car crash victim lying moaning in the wreckage. You wouldn't just tell him to forget the pain. Clearly more is needed.
A wise saying is: "We are hard-pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out." So tackle your problems one day at a time and change your outlook. By learning to accept what you cannot change, you become more likely to view things from a more positive standpoint. You can start to take control of your life.
Remember this: you cannot scale a mountain in a single step; however, you can take on the challenge one step at a time. The same is true of most obstacles you face, no matter how mountainlike they might seem to be. You can find your value and your gifts that make life worth living.
- Common SenseLv 76 months ago
Forgive yourself for listening to your parents and get that silly notion out of your head about what they said way back when. You are a grown adult and as such, you have the resources to straighten out your warped mind.
I suggest you seek professional help in order to get yourself to understand that just because your parents were bullies does not mean what they said is true. It was just words, not facts.
How do you find value in yourself? Get psychological help.
Do things you are passionate about.
When you are doing things you love, you are among like minded people who share interests where you can make new friends and perhaps find romance.
By doing things you love to do, it will build your confidence and self esteem.
Change your internal dialogue and STOP telling yourself what your parents vomited out of their mouths.
Go on Netflix and look up "Secret Attraction". This documentary shows you a way to change your thinking to attract positive things into your life.
I DARE YOU TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.
- 6 months ago
OMG, What some people have said to this young man!? 41 is still not too late to do anything! Colonel Sanders started KFC at age 65 when most people started to slow down. My dad who started college at 48 and graduated at 52. His career started flying ever since. I don't think I have a smooth personal and career path, but I always think about these people who inspire me. It is never too late to do anything. Most importantly, do blame anyone. No one should influence you negatively no matter who she/he might be!
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- 6 months ago
You already know the answer.
- LayneLv 56 months ago
It's not too late. Confidence grows when you get out and really live
- Nicholas RLv 66 months ago
I m sorry to hear that. It s so sad that parents damage their children with negative messaging. Sometimes the home environment is toxic and really abusive. Those repeated messages are impossible for a young child to reject or even ignore. When it comes from the ones who are supposed to love you it hurts deeply and as you know the wounds are lasting. But that s not the whole story. We have the power to change our lives with God s help. As best as you can forgive them. They didn t know that they were just projecting their own insecurities onto you. They felt shame and made sure you felt shame too. They felt like failures and passed that story onto you to continue the chain. But you can break it. Know that God made you in his image. Your soul is unique and is not dependent on DNA. You are an eternal being and are here to suffer and overcome so you can lead others to overcome. There is no shame in suffering because Jesus suffered. He had all power in heaven and earth and he could have destroyed his enemies. Instead he loved them and died so they could be saved. There is much work in healing. You have to be honest with yourself and repent of the ways you have carried out your negative family narrative to hurt others. It s only natural to do so. That s how sin works. However an exceptionally kind soul will turn all the pain inward and try to never wound another. He may become something of a people pleaser, or a perfectionist, afraid of offending others, afraid of rejection, horrified by incivility. He may seek to escape the harsher side of life through addictions. Some people become narcissistic and create an impervious false self which they present to others to gain respect and approval. There are multiple ways the scenario can play out. If there s siblings one can go one way and another a completely different way, both trying to deal with the same hurt.
Confronting an abuser is tricky. It can backfire. They are good at the denial game. Be sure you speak what you must for yourself, whether or not it is rejected. It may help to write it down. Many people get benefit from journaling. It s important to allow yourself to feel the pain. We cannot heal a problem which doesn t exist. By breaking through the denial we start the healing process. The first step is admitting there s a problem. You ve done that. You ve even targeted the goal: finding value in yourself.
I recommend reading up on abuse recovery psychology for sure, but in my experience, without God, people get stuck in self help. We need God because he made us and knows us better than we know ourselves.
Share your pain with others. You are far from alone.
Blessings. I will pray for you.
- 6 months ago
Definitely start with therapy if possible! It sounds like you need someone in your life who can not only see your worth but also help YOU see it. Whoever you are, you are valuable and deserve to feel good about yourself. Parents are just people like the rest of us, and their opinions don't hold any more weight than yours or mine.
- Pearl LLv 76 months ago
by realizing that they lied to you
- VoelvenLv 76 months ago
You find value in yourself by breaking the pattern your parents set for you. My father didn't interfere much in the way my mother raised me, but she thought/thinks that I'm a horrible person, a horrible disappointment, and she made sure that I throughout my childhood never got it into my head to think I was pretty, or intelligent enough, or good enough.
Truth is that she doesn't know me. She has no clue who am I.
It's taken me years to break free of the yoke she placed on me and I'm still working on it, but what fuels me is to prove her wrong. Not for her sake, because she'll never change her opinion of me, but for my sake. You might want to look into mind-reprogramming and how to let go of your past. Ask yourself, what can I do for myself RIGHT now that will make me and/or my life better, and then do it. One baby step at a time, and things will start to get better.
And yes, I do feel like flogging the parents who stunt their children in this way. Sometimes I feel like confronting my mother and ask her what on earth she was thinking? (Actually I know what she was thinking, she was thinking I was a terrible human being that need to be kept in place, so that my head wouldn't implode from arrogance and self confidence). But fact of the matter is that it's up to me to break free.
- choko_canyonLv 76 months ago
Therapy, and no more posting anonymously unless you enjoy looking like a troll.