Fiance doesn t want my dream venue?

My mum showed me a potential venue and told me it was her dream for me to get married there. At first I was a little erked as she followed it up with it would break her heart if I didn t get married there. As for context, my mum is known as being controlling and we don t have the best relationship. She keeps jokingly annoying my fiance saying she s already booked it, but it never comes across as a harmless joke. Rather that she s being quite nasty about it.

I actually fell in love with the venue. I ve got pretty good at zoning out my mum and viewed the venue without her in mind and it is stunning. It s within budget, perfect location for us and our guests, the staff have been friendly and very helpful. It s perfect and I can t even imagine getting married anywhere else. It combines everything my partner and I wanted. He s been quite forthcoming with what he would want and this place has it all.

Only with my mother taunting him, he s getting more and more frustrated and he s digging his heels in. I will never pull the I m the bride and my parents are paying card as it s important to me that we both love the venue. But he doesn t even want to hear how much this venue means to me because he ll feel even more pressured and dig his heels in further - his words.

I genuinely cried imagining our wedding there and he s letting his stubbornness cloud his vision. He admits to that. I don t want to give up on my dream wedding because my fiance is openly being stubborn.

Advice?

Updated 5 days ago:

I did stand up to my mum. Said that it is OUR wedding. She didn't go for it. Caused another big argument. BUT for our anniversary my partner and I visited a new venue. It's not the venue of my dreams, but its the venue of his. And my dream is more about after the wedding. I was getting so wrapped up in my mum's words that I was losing sight of that and worrying about their relationship instead of ours. 

Also I did specify that fi loved the venue, just not my mum's attitude. I didn't ignore him.

28 Answers

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    5 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    Sounds to me like he wants this venue just doesn't want to let your mother "win". If this is their power dynamic currently it's only going to get worse once you're actually married. I'd tell Mom that even though you and your betrothed both want this venue the way she's lording it over you is making you want to just elope. If she's such a narcissist that she can't step back and remember that you're the bride then maybe you and he should just go to the Registry Office and be done with this whole thing.

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  • Anonymous
    4 months ago

    do you value his dream? sounds like you changed the plan and not with his dream even considered

    life is not a dream come true and practical living is what need to be done.

    Most men would prefer elope and skip all the drama

    my experience has been women ask the man he says basics to the point answer and she ignores him

    men do not want a wedding they want to be married

    women so passionate about the wedding and VENUE often hate being married because the story book ends there and daily life takes over

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  • Anonymous
    5 months ago

    I hate agreeing with Dr. Stephanie ·

    but just this one time

    elope and skip this waste of money

    tell mom

    if she wants to spend money save it for your home down payment and not until you have 25% at least

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  • 5 months ago

    Sweetie, the problem here is your freaking mother and her childish antics. You need to keep that woman in check because right now, your future husband is your priority, not your mean and controlling mother.

    Now would be a good time to grow up and stop allowing your mother to influence you. Your dream wedding is also HIS dream wedding and if he doesn't like the idea of this venue, then keep looking and tell your mother to shut the hell up. SHE ruined this for you, NOT your fiancé. Until you are able to control your mother and put your future husband first, then your marriage is off on the wrong foot to begin with.

    Your venue is one that you spend 240 minutes in. Your husband will be your husband forever, so weigh in and balance the 240 minute venue to your marriage. This is where the word compromise comes into play. YOU need to compromise because it was your mother who tainted that place in your groom's eyes. Learn from this and move on to find another place that YOU and YOUR GROOM pick, not mommy dearest.

    Because you have not set boundaries with your mother and you "allow" her to tease your fiancé, you are, in essence, taking her side. If my mom spoke to my groom that way, I would tell her to get the hell out of my house. If you allow your mother to disrespect and tease your husband without defending him, then you are also that same bully she is.

    You have some growing up to do and I am not quite sure you are ready to be married at this time. You can stomp your feet and say you want what you want, but in reality this wedding is not your mother's wedding, this wedding is YOURS and HIS. Go see venues with your fiancé WITHOUT your mother and be sure to tell her that SHE TAINTED the "venue of her dreams" by being a bully to your fiancé. Oh, afraid to piss her off? Too bad. Now that you are an adult, you need to act like one and your mom needs to respect your husband and you need to demand it. Pay for your own wedding.

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  • Anonymous
    5 months ago

    Now, have you actually fallen in love with the venue, or have you let your mom plant this seed into your head? If you do choose this venue, then will your mom be holding it over you for the rest of your lives that she was right about this venue and therefore she knows best?

    Regardless, there's no use in falling in love with a venue, because you never know, some problems might occur, which would make it unavailable to you when you want it. So it's always best to have backup venues in your pocket. Brides spend too much time emotionalizing about details, when they should be focusing on big picture items and letting the details take care of themselves.

    What I would do is make a list of all potential venues, and list their advantages and disadvantages. And don't leave your groom out of the planning process. Bring him along to some of the venues and show him how you think the wedding should go. Let him understand your thought processes, and also be open to his thought processes. He may in the end agree that your dream venue is the best venue too, when he sees your list of advantages and disadvantages, and he sees the venues personally himself.

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  • GEEGEE
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    Ask him where he'd prefer the wedding to be held. If he has to come up with a different venue, he might relent. In any case, Mom needs to back off.

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  • 5 months ago

    ditch the controlling mother keep the finance

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  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    Sorry but if I read correctly, mom is paying for the wedding? If she is... he/she who write the checks makes the final decision...

    That said you could benefit from some premarital counseling, you have a lot of red flags here setting a marriage up for failure. First you need to be come independent and set some boundaries with mom. Second, you're planning a "my" wedding instead of an "our" wedding. If he doesn't want the place you either need to find a middle ground or pick a different one.

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  • 5 months ago

    I suggest you couple's therapy. Lots of concerning red flags in this relationship.

    First of all, your mom is a well known controlling person and you don't set boundaries with her. That will become a huge problem in your marriage if you don't change it.

    You say that you "fell in love" with the venue and what not, that's ok, BUT the wedding is about you two and your fiance doesn't want to get married there. End of the story. Find another place that BOTH of you like and get married there. If your mom doesn't like it for whichever reason that's her problem. Repeat after me: it's not her wedding.

    "She keeps jokingly annoying my fiance saying she s already booked it, but it never comes across as a harmless joke. Rather that she s being quite nasty about it. "I'd reconsider to get married if my wife to be allowed her mother to treat me like this. Your mom is a toxic person and you expect your fiance to be ok with this, sorry but no.

    "I will never pull the I m the bride and my parents are paying card " i beg your pardon? It's your wedding, why are your parents paying? If you guys don't have enough money to get married without mommy's and daddy's card then you should get a cheaper wedding or don't get married at all. Adults pay for their own weddings.

    "He admits to that. I don t want to give up on my dream wedding because my fiance is openly being stubborn. Advice?" marriage is much more about the relationship you have than about the wedding. Talk to your fiance, choose a different place and get married if that's what you want.

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  • 5 months ago

    This is your mother's doing. She should apologize to him, and tell him that whatever the two of you want to do is just FINE with her. Then you should say the same thing to him: You're just happy to be marrying him, and wherever you get married it will be wonderful.

    If he feels less pressured, and if he really cares about you, that's the way to get him to change his mind.

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