Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 6 months ago

More of a rant than a question...?

Back in February my fiancee left after we had a fight. In the months before this we had these weird fights where she was somehow blaming me for whatever was wrong. She told me before she left that it was for a short time and she agreed to couples counseling with me. We went to 4 appointments and at the third appointment she said she felt more hopeful about our relationship, and I agreed with her. At our 4th appointment she did a 180 and said she doesn't see any hope; she doesn't see how our relationship could possibly work.

Still, we kept in touch throughout March and she would say things like "this takes time" and "you need to be more patient". I thought she was coming around. We went out for dinner one night and planned for another one in the future. By early April she tells she had rented a house, our relationship is "just over" and she has movers scheduled for the following day. I. Was. Floored. She'd kept telling me she hadn't rented a house. She'd kept saying "I don't have concrete plans". She didn't rent a house and schedule movers the day before. I don't believe that.

She disappeared for almost 2 weeks. She wouldn't answer the phone or return texts. She finally called me though and said, "hi. What did you want to talk about?". What the hell? She spent an hour berating me and blaming everything on me. She then disappeared for another week.

By late April we were back to talking and she says she misses me and she says "I wish things hadn't gotten so stupid". We agreed to start from square one. We were going to talk more and we again planned dinner. By early May (a week and a half later) she tells me she's fallen out of love with me, we have no future, she yells at me and hangs up. She then disappears again for most of May.

I filed for custody of our 2 kids after that. She disappeared for almost 3 weeks in May and I learned that in April she'd taken my name off the authorized pickup list at the daycare, so I can't access our kids anymore. For most of May and most of June I can barely get ahold of her. When she does answer about our kids she tells me I can't see them.

She's become easier to get ahold of lately. She's almost friendly at times. She still won't let me see the kids very much. But she answers texts now (mostly) and has started using subtle text clues that she's being friendly. We even resolved a long standing issue that was a problem in our relationship. I don't know what to make of it. She won't answer the phone or return calls. She won't tell me who's watching our kids while she works.

This had been so bizarre and confusing. I had to call the Domestic Violence hotline and they tell me she's emotionally abusive and manipulative, and I now go weekly and talk to a counselor. He says she's got sociopathic tendencies and he tells me to be ready for her to be more manipulative now that **** got serious (e.g. the custody battle).

I feel ready to completely lose my mind. Nothing about this has made sense. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by filing for custody.

Thanks for reading. Words of wisdom and support are welcome.

4 Answers

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    6 months ago

    I guess you can tell yourself you dodged a bullet by not actually marrying this person. But as you chose to have kids with her the emotional fallout will be as bad (for the kids, the only people who matter in this equation) as if you'd made it to the altar before breaking up. You did the right thing by filing for custody because your fighting for your kids is something they'll remember as adults. Chances are great a judge will grant you both some kind of shared custody, and you'll have to make the best of that. But yeah, you jumped the gun on procreation with someone you weren't yet in a stable relationship with and this is often how those scenarios end.

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  • 6 months ago

    Filing for custody wasn't "the right thing". You won't get it. Filing a request for access/visitation would have been the right thing.

    To get custody, you're going to have to prove she is harming or neglecting them, and nothing you've told us indicates that.

    In fact, nothing you've told us indicates that she's sociopathic, either.. She not being manipulative.. she's emotionally unsure from day to day how she feels about you and your marriage. It's NORMAL for people to waffle on what to do about a marriage after they've separated.. It's NORMAL to be confused and change your mind from one day to the next. Sorry, but I'm married to a therapist and it's highly unethical for your counselor to diagnose someone based on YOUR stories about them. You cannot diagnose ANYONE without assessing them in person.

    Word of wisdom? Hire a lawyer. File a petition for access.

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  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    Yes, this is more of a rant than a question. I agree.

    This is very one of the reasons it's not a terribly good idea to have children when you aren't married. You are at a distinct disadvantage.

    Interestingly, in MY State it is actually malpractice for YOUR Psychiatrist to diagnose HER when YOUR Psychiatrist has had no direct contact with her.

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  • 6 months ago

    She sounds scary. Please try your best to get the kids away from her!!! Don't feed into her mess and drama. When she starts being fake nice, don't fall into her trap. She has several screws loose. File for FULL custody.

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