Disguted by sex after being raped.?
So when I turned 18 until I was almost 21, I was raped by my ex bf. I was a virgin when we met and I didn't know I was being raped until I read the definition of rape. There were countless times I would say no and try to fight him off me. I would cry sometimes and I became property, not a person. I ended the relationship and two years later I decided to date. I was drinking one night and on a social media app I got a message from a guy asking for sex. I had not had sex in two years so I said why not. We had sex and honestly I was disgusted. I was disgusted through it all and I hated myself for doing it. It had nothing to do with him. It was all about me its been almost 3 years now I'm turning 26 in a couple of months and I haven't had sex since. I am going to therapy, something I have neglected for years. I am afraid to date and push away guys interested in me.
- Anonymous5 months ago
Well, first of all, I'm so very sorry you went through that. Who taught him that was OK? Despicable. Neither of the sexual experiences you mention involved trust and love and something cultivated and deep between you and your partner. So you have only experienced the physical part and betrayal and violence. And honestly I think of having sex with some people and ewww. It can be disgusting. But it has a beautiful side to it, too. I believe there is so much hope for your situation. I was married to a man who would guilt me into having sex with him, ignore me for weeks and stonewall me if I didn't. There were incidents where I was not consenting and I was crying secretly while he was doing it because I was so sad with how he was treating me emotionally before the act and not being loving at all. One time it was so painful, sooo rough, he was truly hurting me and it felt like being raped by a stranger. I felt like property, too. He also put me down sexually, telling me all the things that were wrong with my sexuality. I found out he was using hookers and cheating with everyone living so I divorced him. I felt so violated and used.
And guess what?! I finally had sex again with a boyfriend after years of nothing and I can enjoy it and it does not scare or disgust me. So I hope you are able to, though therapy and your own mind, separate these guys from your own gorgeous sexuality and be able to enjoy and value yourself in what and who you are.