Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 6 months ago

Monster mother-in-law. Am I in the wrong here? Need honest advice please?

I used to have a very close relationship with my mother-in-law, but with time I've realized more and more that she has a shady and unpleasant character. She would oftentimes make racist, judgmental remarks. She's an older lady so I've tried to let some things slide, but I found out that behind my back she was saying she didn't really accept me for her son because I come from a different cultural background. When I confronted her about this, she began talking in circles and didn't even apologize or try to amend. To make matters worst, she's made inappropriate comments to me regarding my fiancé's past relationship. She would tell me what a wonderful person she was and how her and my fiancé still have and will always have a strong bond and connection. I finally had to put my foot down and tell her that I don't ever want to hear about his ex again, because it makes me extremely uncomfortable and is just not ok with me. She said she understood, but obviously did not. The other day I went to visit her in an attempt to be nice, and she had a guest over. While I was sitting RIGHT THERE, she starts telling her guest how her son used to live with his ex who was such a nice girl and mentioning other unnecessary things about it in my presence. I promptly grabbed my bag and made an excuse to leave. I came home and told my fiancé what happened and that I never intend to see her again. Well, she wrote me an onslaught of messages afterwards both to him and I.

Update:

Update: Saying how I'm a jealous, cowardly, selfish and immature little girl. That I'm a miserable person who will never make him happy. That all along she's kept her mouth shut about all my faults and shortcomings, and yet I think I have the right to criticize her.

Update 2:

Update 2: I've literally never criticized or even shown her any unkindness, in fact I've been far nicer to her than she's deserved. But what makes me even more upset is that although my fiancé stood up for me, I find out the very next day he's contacting her asking if she's ok. It almost felt like a betrayal and slap in my face. I just don't know what to do with all of this and if anyone could give me advice regarding how to handle this mess, I'd greatly, greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

11 Answers

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  • Tara
    Lv 7
    6 months ago

    This will be hard to do … but it would honestly be best to just let it all GO -- don't be around her except when you have to / don't act mad or rude ever / don't talk to you husband bad about her / and if you are around her and she starts talking all this bad stuff - just let her - smile - and act unbothered .. don't talk about her to other people …. I know this is saying that you need to eat everything she dishes out - but in the end and the long run it will be her that is the trouble maker -- and not you. She knows talking about his ex, etc, is pushing your buttons - so don't give her this power over you - act like you could care less about his ex and what she says.

    Be sweet - good - and let HER tattle on with all the bad stuff.

    Think about this -- is more fuel is added to the flame it will just get worse --- so don't participate with her even when she pushes your buttons.

    Your husband should love you more if you don't talk about his Mom, too.

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  • I care
    Lv 7
    6 months ago

    She sounds like a complex person and if your sweetheart stands up with you than all is okay...…..sometimes people make their own bed to sleep in...….in other words what goes around comes around......she isn't a person I would like to be around either. Hopefully, time will cure her ways......we can only hope. Best Wishes.

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  • 6 months ago

    she has the right to have her opinion about u, u have the right to have the opinion about her, if u do not like her u are not obligated to go and see her. even with her son. but if u start preventing her son to go and see his own mother or inquire whether she is ok YOU are a monster here. u don't like how she talks about his ex - don't meet with her. she has the right to talk about whomever she wants. u have no right to control other people

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  • 6 months ago

    The key to resolving your concern is what your fiance is willing to do about it. If he is strong and assertive enough to stand up to her, if he is willing to place his relationship with you above the one he has with her, if you are to be his top priority as his future life partner, then you stand a chance of happiness. Either way, however, you are marrying an entire family and would have to deal with his mother for the rest of her life, one way or another. If you feel this is either impossible, intolerable, or if he isn't up to the task of making you his top priority, then you would be fortunate to walk away now. So far, I haven't heard a word about him doing anything to resolve this in a positive manner with you as his top priority. Soooooooooo? Good wishes,

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    6 months ago

    The answer to the first part of your question is 'you chose to marry into this situation so now you have to deal with it'. The answer to the second part of your question is 'apparently she's not your mother-in-law at all because you're not married to her son...which means you get to just walk away from the both of them without going through a divorce'.

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  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    She's not your mother in law. Maybe she's upset that her son is with someone who doesn't know the difference between "wife" and "fiance."

    Stay away from her. Talk to your fiance and/or husband/

    Walk away.

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  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    "my fiancé stood up for me"

    First, she's not your mother in law until you're married to her son. This matters for several reasons.

    On the above, what do you mean he stood up for you? If this is as bad as you say, it doesn't achieve anything if he tells her to back off or whatever. It's not even slowing her down. In a marriage, each spouse should be protecting the other from drama coming from their "side". You aren't married yet, but you do need to be sure he can do this before getting married.

    A lot of times people assume marriage will solve problems like you're having, but it doesn't. In fact, the problems get bigger. So you need to tell your fiance that it's HIS job to shut all this down. That doesn't mean yelling at her in the moment. It means giving consequences if the behavior continues. These can be cutting off contact, not inviting her the wedding, etc. It sounds extreme, but this is how he teaches her to treat you.

    If he can't or won't do this, he's putting mom ahead of your happiness, Any sane women would tell you to never marry a mama's boy.

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  • 6 months ago

    you are not "in the wrong", but you are dealing with a hostile and passive-aggressive person. This is a vision of the future you will have if you marry this man and live anywhere near his mother. think this over carefully.

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  • 6 months ago

    I completely understand why you're upset; you're actually probably more hurt over her behavior because you used to be close, than you would be if you had no expectations from your mother-in-law, so it's even more painful for you because you respect her, or did in the past. I think that you can definitely still be around her if you can manage your own emotions around her. I'm really impressed that you asked her not to mention your fiance's ex around you, and then you backed up that request by leaving when she brought her up again. Those are both really healthy boundaries and you nailed that 100%. The next step would be to have your fiance talk with your mother. He now also needs to set the boundary, so that she is really really clear that certain behavior is not okay if she wants to be around you AND him. In other words, if she continues to misbehave, the consequences will be very clear to her (just like with a child, lol). If she disrespects you - and your husband needs to be very specific, "if you mention my ex in front of us again" or "if you make racist comments in front of us again", then "we will leave." And then you both leave. Your husband should say that you will both not be able to spend as much time with her if she continues to talk like this and chooses to be hurtful. She very well may take this chance to tell your fiance what she's "really" thinking (it sounds like she harbors a semi-secret hope that your fiance will reconcile with his ex and also that she harbors disrespect towards your culture or fear/concerns about your cultural differences). Those things may come out, which of course are no surprise to you, and the truth is that you can't change her mind or make her think differently. The longer that you try to do that, the more hurt you'll be, and you likely will just feel bad, because you can't change how another person thinks. However, you absolutely can and should set boundaries about how she talks to you and/or your fiance. In other words, she can think whatever she wants in the privacy of her own head, but she cannot continue to say those things aloud, if she wants to have the pleasure of either your or his company.

    And then you back up those boundaries by leaving the moment she crosses them. If she then wants to make plans again, she should have to verbally agree to your husband on the phone FIRST that she will not cross those lines again. Hope that makes sense. If you and your fiance are both kind but firm with her, considering that you said that she used to be very close to you, that gives me a lot of hope that this will resolve itself relatively quickly, though there will probably be a little pushback and turbulence at first. Stay strong and don't give in, including to your own expectations that she will change her thoughts.... but again, 100% do not allow her to speak to you like that or about his ex. Hope that made sense. Good luck!

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  • 6 months ago

    She's not your mother-in-law. You aren't married to her son. And she has, in her own way, let you know her opinions, and you've reacted to those. And now you have to live with the outcome. I'm not saying you were right or wrong, but if you ever do get her as a mother-in-law, you are giving yourself extra challenges in marriage, because when we marry we pretty much marry a family, for better or for worse.

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