Is this internalized racism? Or just insecurities?

I'm a female, 27 years old and black. I have realized that I only care about how I look because of people online. The internet made me hate myself ever since I started talking to people. Now I'm comparing myself to girls online, wondering why I can't get the same attention as them, wishing that I was... show more I'm a female, 27 years old and black. I have realized that I only care about how I look because of people online. The internet made me hate myself ever since I started talking to people. Now I'm comparing myself to girls online, wondering why I can't get the same attention as them, wishing that I was pretty so I could be popular. I wish I could be a YouTuber and have tons of subscriber, tons of Instagram followers, ect. It's just shallow interaction to feed my insecurities. I can't fix myself up, because I don't have enough money for it. I can't get plastic surgery either. I admired a lot of people on TV, but it was a different feeling compared to when I first joined Myspace years ago.I wanted to belong to a certain group of people. At the time it was emos and scene kids. I was listening to rock music more often even though I liked all types of music. I wanted straight hair and pale skin.I wanted to be noticed like them. Now, I don't even bother to post selfies on Instagram. I just wonder how do I get back to not caring about how I look. I lost that when I was 14-15 years ago.Unfortunately, kpop has been my new obsession. The beauty trends, the cute girls, handsome guys. I wish I could be pretty and light skinned.It's sad when you wish you could be another ethnicity. All of the guys that I like don't like me. I want to change myself to be liked, so that's why I hate how I look. Maybe I can just stay alone and not have this problem. I don't know what else to do otherwise.
3 answers 3