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Which one sounds more interesting? (Description of a story I am writing)?

1- I was blessed with the job to protect the one I love and treasure the most. My first and only love, someone who I could never have, or even imagine to have..yet the feelings I had for her couldn't be erased no matter how much I tried. But with circumstances, I had to make the person I love run away with me. Stick out to find out what happened in our journey

2- "you have to know the consequences of your decision."

"do you think I made this decision without knowing the consequences"

because there are no consequences you have to face and I can get killed because of it, but I can die for you any day my love

And if only there was any use of you knowing how much I love you, but this love of mine goes no where, and no matter how good I get I'll never be worthy of someone like you, because I wasn't born with something like Royality. Because a Princess deserves a Prince, not a soldier who's on the duty to protect her.

3- If you have a better suggestion with the material written here and Can merge to make a better description please do tell me I'd appreciate it A lot thank youu. All answers are appreciated

10 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    I'd need to read the whole thing. Maybe I could help.

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  • Marli
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    There is no polish on either 1 (1st person statement) or 2 (1st or 3rd person dialogue), so I assume you posted here unreviesed first drafts.

    I suggest you write your story in form number two, since you are showing the conflict in dialogue (in action), which is more interesting. When the whole story is on file or in paper and not just in your mind, you can edit and refine it so that your character does not sound so melodramatic.

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  • 1 year ago

    Neither one particularly grabs me, but I suspect I'm not in your target audience. I would perhaps use the structure of the first one but work in some of the details from the second.

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  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    Neither one hooked me.

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  • 1 year ago

    I dislike the 'stick out to find out what happened in our journey', it sounds too juvenile.

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  • 1 year ago

    I prefer number 2 more. I just like how everything is so deeply described. Reading books like this really sucks you into the story.

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  • 1 year ago

    I honestly wouldn't read past the first sentence of either of these. Both are - sorry to be so blunt - hackneyed, sentimental and repetitive. The grammatical mistakes don't help either.

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  • 1 year ago

    Sorry, but there are simply too many words, and none of them really interesting. Your soldier babbles on for far too long about how he loves this princess and will always love her and she is his first love and his only love and he will do anything to protect her and and and ...

    Dammit, just say he loves her. The rest follows.

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  • Tina
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    Quite honestly, neither. Instead of describing the situation it might be better to jump straight into it.

    "My lady - we must leave. Now"

    or something on those lines and let the reader understand the situation as it develops.

    Also, some of your expressions are not quite right - "with the circumstances" should be "under the circumstances" and "stick out" should surely be "stick around" (and authorial intrusion can be frowned on - you need to make it work) "I wasn't born with something like royalty" "I wasn't born royal".)

    The situation - (presumably) upper class lady falls in love with humble soldier while he saves her life isn't original but there is no reason why you shouldn't write it.

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  • Ludwig
    Lv 6
    1 year ago

    Start again.

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