My 17 son has come out to me as gay.?

I don t usually come to these websites, but I m feeling at a bit of a loss here. My 17 year old eldest has come out to me as gay, and I m just having a bit of trouble processing it.

He told me in the car on the way back from his college. He sort put it to me that he s always prefered guys to girls and that s just how he is. All I could say was "okay" and that was about it. That was earlier today and he s barely spoken to me since. He s up in his room now and hasn t come down since dinner.

I ve always taught my children to value honesty and be open with how they re feeling with me. Me and my eldest have always had a great relationship. My wife and I have had our suspicions in the past, but we sort of left it alone. I always tried to tell myself I wouldn t care if he was. I ll always love my son.

But this has shaken me more than I expected. I kind of always pictured him bringing his wife around for dinner and stuff and having grandchild the "regular way"(sounds stupid to put it like that, I know) This is effecting me more than I thought it would.

I feel ashamed to be struggling with this. I feel like I m letting him down. I haven t told his mother yet, and I m not going to until he s okay with me doing it. I just want to be there for my son, that s all I ve ever wanted. I don t want this to hurt him, and I m not disgusted by it. I ve had gay friends in the past, it s fine. I m not THAT old yet!

I just don t know how to approach it. What do I do? I love my boy so much :(

Update:

I've spoken to him and was honest about how I feel about this. He's a good kid and I'm so so proud of him. He says he's going to talk to his mother at the weekend and I've promised to be there to support him. Thank you for all the answers.

13 Answers

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  • 2 years ago
    Best answer

    I think it would be a good idea for you to go talk to your son right away, and say exactly what you said here. You love him so much. You'd always wondered, and yet his finally talking to you about this effected you more than you'd thought it would. That you are afraid he'll get hurt. That you want to be there for him. That, whenever he's ready to tell his mom, you're there for him. And that you (again) love him.

    If you need someone you talk to about all this, you might look up your local chapter of PFLAG. Or if you have a friend who has a gay kid, you might talk to them about it. I think your feelings are really pretty normal and common. The most important thing in all this - you love your kid, and you want to be there for him.

    So go be there for him. He's upstairs freaking out. Go tell him you love him.

  • Tj
    Lv 7
    2 years ago

    You always had a idea he was gay, so why so surprised. You have had time to think about it over the years. Its a advantage to you. Talk to him, tell him it changes nothing, and that you will support him. Treat him as you always have done. Do the things you have always done with him, maybe even look for a new thing to bond with him even more.

  • Fred
    Lv 7
    2 years ago

    At the moment you are still struggling to accept has finally admitted what you hoped he would never admit. Before this there was always hope he would be a straight boy and be the young man you wanted who marries and has a family, but now all those hopes have been dashed.

    The fact is your son has a sexual disability brought about by him receiving an incorrect chromosome at conception and it is not his choice to be only sexually attracted to males and not to females. He has told the person he loves and respects most in his life (you) as he does not want to lie or mislead you anymore. He would have been very worried how you would accept his admitting he was gay and it taken a lot of gameness to tell you and in the back of his mind would have wondered if he was making a mistake as for some sons admitting they are gay has ended badly for them as family disown them.

    Likely he is currently feeling a bit shaky getting over his nervousness in admitting he is gay. I am sure if your son had inherited any other disability you would had done anything to try and make sure he felt he was loved and supported, and many parents with disabled kids will never know the joy of their disabled child marrying and having their own family and their parents quite often must feed, toilet, bathe and entertain their disabled child for the rest of their life. At least your son's disability will allow him to have a life without weighing you down for the rest of your life. His partner will be a male and that is really only the only real difference he will have from a straight guy. At this moment you are looking at this from how it affects your life. Your hopes and dreams that he will marry a female and give you grandchildren have been dashed. Remember he has suffered from fear of family and people finding out and disowning him for years. Some gay young guys commit suicide as they find it just something they cannot admit to family and friends. Believe me your son has struggled with admitting to himself that he is gay and has finally accepted it that he will never be sexually attracted to females and finally accepted it is time to tell the people he loves most.

    Time to stop thinking about yourself and realize even as a gay young man he is a decent person and will have a good life. He still needs the support and love of his family and all he asks of you is to love and be supporting of him. I am sure many parents of disabled kids would be thrilled if their kids disability was only the fact he was gay. You got off lightly as far as a disabled kid goes and he will not drag your life down as many disabled kids do to their parents. Gay sons with loving parents tend to be very supportive and loving of their parents in their old age.

    Many straight couples do not have children these days so really is your gay son any worse than they are. Does the world need any more overcrowding with heaps of kids being born to couples. My uncle and aunty had 2 daughters and neither had children so they had no grandchildren.

    Your son sounds as if he is a decent young man and gay people these days get good jobs and have great lives. Be proud of his achievements and support him as if he was a straight son. A couple days ago a guy I work with told us his son came out as gay and I was thrilled to hear the pride he had in his son. Try and be like my workmate and be proud of the good young man he is as I am sure he will make you proud still. Treat him as you always have with love and support and I am sure he will still make you proud.

  • 2 years ago

    Hey look its totally natural, it's not something you can process in an instant, your very far from homophobic, pretty much the opposite you just didn't expect it, it's completely natural to be feeling the way you do, you seem like a great parent and I suggest you go up there and support him, keeping it quiet is only going to prolong the discomfort you're feeling

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  • Anonymous
    2 years ago

    Its a big thing for some people and that's ok. Give it time. As long as you still support him. You will eventually come around to fully accept him and it wont be a big deal anymore. Sometimes you need time to adjust to change. You don't need to make a big deal out of it. Treat him as you always have. Hes the same person hes always been.

  • Anonymous
    2 years ago

    A lot to process, and it will probably take some time.

    It is no small thing, but no enormous thing either.

    Right now I think he needs you to be couragous and talk to him, like he was when he spoke to you.

    Explain your side, how you were taken a little off guard earlier..

    No need to pretend it's nothing either.

    How can it not be emotional?

    You have a new gay friend now, and I think he still needs you.

  • abcdef
    Lv 7
    2 years ago

    There is a wonderful international organization that has chapters all over the western world. It is called Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG for short). Their website is www.pflag.org. They have a lot of resources and if you are in a city there is probably a chapter near you. I urge you to get in touch with them. Remember, he is the same person he's always been but you now know something more about him that you didn't know completely before. I kind of think that you and your son need to sit down with your wife. You shouldn't be the one to tell her, but you should be there when he tells her. Just keep loving him as you've always done and make sure he knows that this news doesn't change a thing.

    Good luck.

  • 2 years ago

    Support him.

  • Anonymous
    2 years ago

    ask him if he wants you to pick up a box of fruit loops when you go to the store ..

  • 2 years ago

    Hes not dying hes just gay, treat him how you always have.

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