I want to kill myself. I need help please?

I am a 19 year old girl and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. My entire life consists of me going to work, coming home, wasting time, and working again. I am not excited to do anything. I have nothing to look forward to. I have no good friends. I am a loser. I have felt depressed and suicidal for a... show more I am a 19 year old girl and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. My entire life consists of me going to work, coming home, wasting time, and working again. I am not excited to do anything. I have nothing to look forward to. I have no good friends. I am a loser.

I have felt depressed and suicidal for a long time but this is the worst it has ever been. I had a mini breakdown at work the other day and I started to cry in front of my managers and then I called in sick 3 days in a row because I just couldn't motivate myself to go to work. I've missed so much work in the past while because I have been depressed.

I try so hard to find excitement and fun. I am planning a trip with my friend but I'm not excited about it... it just feels like a chore. I got a new job at a place that I would have loved before I was depressed but I don't even feel joy doing that. I've been trying to make plans and improve my life but nothing is working. I want to die. This is the most hopeless I've ever felt.

The main reason I don't want to kill myself is because I want to spend more time with my mom, dad, and sister. I don't want to die because I know it will mess their lives up if I do. Staying alive feels like a chore. I have been awake for over 30 hours and I cannot fall asleep. I am so messed up right now. How do I get better?
Update: When I go home I just waste my time. I watch movies/TV/youtube. This month I have been forcing myself to draw every day because I used to love drawing but that has become a chore too. Nothing is fun for me anymore.
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