Life and its many possibilities have stopped me from living my life.?

44. Facing reality in the last days, and i don t know if i am happy that i did it, or if im gonna fall into a terrible and forever lasting depression, for knowing how i spent the last twenty years. I can t take it back. My problem? Everytime i decided something for my life, it never lasts, and it s vanishing as... show more 44. Facing reality in the last days, and i don t know if i am happy that i did it, or if im gonna fall into a terrible and forever lasting depression, for knowing how i spent the last twenty years.
I can t take it back.

My problem?
Everytime i decided something for my life, it never lasts, and it s vanishing as if it never was real. Choosing, is hell. Even choosing what i eat, is hell. I wish, strongly, that i had no choice at all. I used to dream being in jail. Freedom of choice is something that poisons my life. Always has. I can t enjoy the present moment, no matter the technique. Now, here i am, about to become crazy. I can t choose and be in peace with my choices. I wish something terrible would happen to me. Break me. I d be another. I wanna change my brain because it never stops considering choices. I hate all the food available, i ended up anorexic for years because of this. I hate all the clothes, all the books i could read, and every-time i pick up a book, im thinking about another one i could have pick. And it haunts me, every little thing. I am coming up with solutions like eating the same meal for days to reduce stress, or wearing the same outfit. And at the same time, i wish i didn t have to sleep so i d do all the things i wanna do. I was sick before with anorexia, and my life was on hold. Now that i m better physically, instead of living fully, i feel an extreme awareness of time passing by, and i ache with it, and it s like i wait for something unknown.
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