Christians: Think I'm going too far with boyfriend. How to tell him to stop?
NOTE: I am looking for Christian opinions and viewpoints on this matter. Please don't answer if you're going to be disrespectful to Christian beliefs.
Q:I am worried that my boyfriend and I have started to go too far physically with each other. We have been making out for a while and at first I do think it was an okay kind of making out (just holding hands and repeated kissing) but it started becoming more intense and handsy after a while. (By handsy I mean stroking arms/backs/stomachs/legs. WE NEVER touch boobs/butt/genitals!) The last time we made out we ended up taking off his shirt and mine (though I had tank top underneath).
Neither of us want to have sex before marriage, since we are Christian and our faith is important to us. But I feel we are starting to walk on the edge now... I hear stories of how people ended up having premarital sex even though they swore they wouldn't... I do not want to tempt him into anything, but he seems okay with what we did. I asked him "Do you think that was too much? Too far?" after doing it. He said, "No, you'd see me without a shirt if we went swimming. And it's not like we are lusting after each other".
But I still am not sure I am comfortable going that far anymore.... Not only for us, but if someone knew we making out to that degree, I'm sure they would assume we were sinning. And what if someone asked him for Christian advice about their dating life? If he was honest and said we went that far, it might lead someone with weaker self control to do it too and cause them to sin. I feel like it is a bad example to other Christians, and non-Christians.
How can I talk to my boyfriend about not goi
ing that far anymore? Since he didn't sound doubtful, it makes it harder for me to say it...
PS: We only got this far cause we are serious about our relationship and are planning on marrying in the future. We didn't even kiss before coming to that decision. Maybe being in love made the desire to make out stronger?
- 6 years agoFavourite answer
This is a struggle I also dealt with when I was new to the world of serious relationships, and I commend you so much for your maturity in considering yourselves as well as others who may look up to you for guidance. That is so wise, and exactly where your heart should be. (:
Now, to answer your question: I think the fact that you are asking it says it all. I once heard a pastor say that "sin doesn't start when the action is fulfilled, but where the heart is". So if you are doing something that causes you to feel lustful in your heart, you are probably in sin. (Guys seem to have a harder time with this, but if you didn't feel SOME lust... why are the clothes coming off? Where does that lead?)
If I were in your shoes, I would just talk to your boyfriend about that, and express your concern. Tell him that you don't want to cause one another to stumble, and that you want to be above reproach so that others can look up to you, and you would like him to hold you accountable as a future spiritual leader should. It doesn't have to be condemning or dramatic, just be sincere with each other. You are in a serious relationship, so I'm sure he'll understand. (And if not, he may not be the guy for you.) I would also suggest that you read the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. It has some moments that are a little Christian 101-ish, but overall it is a great guide to what relationships should look like and the importance of total purity. (without being SO prude-ish it's unrealistic.) It helped me a ton when I was in your shoes. I would also encourage you each to pray about it, and pray together! It will help build your relationship, bring your closer together, bring you closer to God, and help to clarify some of those boundaries.
I will also keep you guys in my prayers, because I totally see where you are coming from. And if you need any advice or someone to discuss things with, please feel free to contact me! I'd love to help you in any way I can!Source(s): We talk about this sort of thing a lot in my Bible College, and it's something I've gone through in the past as well (:
- 6 years ago
If you're feeling uncomfortable, don't be afraid to talk to him about it and set boundaries. Guys are more likely to go farther, that's how it is with me and my boyfriend. I would suggest keeping the kissing to a minimum, when you get into French kissing and stuff it can be hard to not do things in the heat of the moment that you're going to regret later. Also being around family and friends and not being alone together too often can help keep you accountable. If he really does love and respect he'll get through it until you're married :)
- 6 years ago
Babe, this is normal! Think of God. If it's wrong in your stomach, it's down right wrong. God is the one that's important here, but he cares about you more than anything. Making out and holding hands and cuddling—there's nothing wrong. But if you feel like it's turning into lust, try to control yourselves and know that it'll be worth the wait if you end up getting married! You know you're limits, so respect them. Don't get caught up in lustful business and brush it off as something unimportant. Just because it isn't sex, it can still be a little too intimate.
When you're in love and wanting to get married to your partner, it's hard to restrain yourself. Because, being honest—you're just simply in love! It's amazing, but respect what God saved for marriage and pray about it. You'll be happy you asked and waited.
By the way, I totally respect you for sticking to your faith. x
- Lv 66 years ago
That's how it happens, you both may genuinely not want to go too far, but once the make out sessions get hot and heavy, you can both find yourselves in a situation where it's really hard to stop. You've got to scale it back. To put it simply, limit your physical affection towards one another to simple hugging and kissing. Don't indulge in heavy petting, that leads to sexual arousal, and more temptation.
- What do you think of the answers? You can sign in to give your opinion on the answer.
- Anonymous6 years ago
Not lusting after each other? LOL!
This is difficult to stop once it's started. So if you don't want to have sex yet, stop making out, stop all the cuddling and other physical contact. It's NORMAL to get turned on and want to do more. And once you start going down that road it's sometimes nearly impossible to stop. So to keep your virginity, no more pre-sex playing.
- jpopelishLv 76 years ago
If either of you is taking off more than
your coat and hat,
in order to caress,
you are heading toward intercourse.
I'm not saying that is a bad thing,
but it will happen.
So you have to decide
before the touching and kissing starts,
and agree on the decision.
- 6 years ago
yes it going too far, because next time you will be tempted to go further and further yet. Its like a fat person on a strict diet hanging at a donut shop, or an AA person hanging in a bar. Your both setting yourselves up for failure. Ask your youth pastor or mentors how can you date and have fun without that making out stuff.
- Anonymous6 years ago
Hi, First let me tell you, don;t listen to the person mercuri. They are not telling you what to do from a christian perspective at all. You need to hear ONLY Godly views and not what the world think. Like you said, you guys are going too far. By the way you guys were going, sounds like lusting. Maybe you should read what lusting really mean. Besides you can;t read his mind. Would he tell you he was lusting at you??? I think not/. No, that is not good at all. Once you go too far, there is no trunoing back. Just like Adama and eve did the deed. Nothing they could doto make it go away. You 2 may even hate each other if one cause the other to nreak down and go all the way. As a christian, I'm surprised he was following along with you. Just because a perosn starts to do the wronf canyHow do you know he's not lu g thin doesn't mean I have to follow along . I am to think of what God wants me to do. Now I know we are still in the flesh, that';s why you to should no be doing the things you are doing. I want to say this, I would really be quite concern if I was dating a man who states he is a Godly christian man, claims he has no more desire of the things he use to do and you ask if you think you are going too far and he says, it's okay. I would pray and ask the Lord to please, let me know if this man is really one of your elect. Because God expects a true christian to ONLY date and marry another true child of God. Not the American christian. They are not true blue christians. They just use the title. But God knows the heart. You see, it sounds like you are uncomfortable with the way you guys were carrying on, but he doesn't care. Why doesn't he care??? your conscious is bothering you. Are you sure he would not go all the way??? I don't know. I would just pray about the whole thing with this guy. Now, If I was you, I would not go there again. You are tempting yourselves to commit a sin and you obviously know that because you are confessing to us what happened.
Do you know some christians date and don't even kiss each other after a date? They are making sure they restrain from sinning. If that's what it takes, that's what should be done. I am serious!!! Go to www.ebiblefellowship.com and learn more of what the Lord is teaching his christians. You can even call up Chris and ask biblical questions. It's a wonderful , faithful website and teaching.
You sound like you have a sound mind and know what you need to do, so you pray and asj the Lord to help you and you do what ever you know will please the Lord. If I was you, I would noit even read somew of the thinkgs some people answer you with. Like the person Mercuri. The Lord told us to watch our eyes what we might see and our ears what we might hear and our hearts. I hardly even go see a movie these days , because all thathave in it is SEX. No christian need to sit among that. Beofre I go I check the reviews and ratings and read what the moms reviews are saying because they will be more honest. I don't go when the time is set to see the movie, because I learned that no movie starts at 2:15 if that's what it's saying. They go on for like 12 minutes showing previews of other movies, so I don't ant to see those previews, because most if the time it involves a lot of SEX, so I go in about 2::25 or 27 minutes after 2:15. It works very well. We are to guard ourselves as much as we can as christians. What we don't have to see, we should not see.you are not the one who said, you were going to live with the guy and avoid touching each other, because if you are, some of us did warn you. Read the story of Joseph in the bible. Even if you already did before. Read it again and think upon what the Lord is teaching us. He fled from his masters wife. She still lied on him, but God was pleased with him because he did not do something he would regret. Like David did We don't have to go there as long as we stay in the word, pray for strength and don't allow certain things to develope. Abraham was going to kill hos own son because God was telling him to. Would you let go of this man if God guided you to see that he is not a christian man at all.????
I wonder if you told him you were not really an christian saved person would he care???????????
He's suppose to, but I wonder. You have to be very careful as a christian. I don't trust any guy who say he loves the Lord unless I can see that kind of life style in his life. God wants the best for his own and he commands us to only date another christian person. A true one. I am not accusing him to not be one, but he sound lie a very weak one if he is one and I would not want that either.
Take care!! Listen to what the Lord is telling you.
- Anonymous6 years ago
Don't tell me what to do. Christians believe that since I don't believe in their bullshit I deserve to be tortured forever. That isn't very respectful so don't ask for me to respect it.
I have had sex with a lot of women and never married any of them. Your limp-dicked pussy of a god hasn't done a damn thing about it. What kind of god is powerless to exert his vengeance until after somebody has died? What utter nonsense is that? Get your head out of your asshole.
- 6 years ago
Be honest & open with him about your thoughts & feelings about it. If he really loves & cares for you ( sounds like he does ) he will respect you & stop going so far with you.