15 years old, gay and a christian?
i am 15 years old and i am trying to be a christian but am not a christian atm. I have known i am gay for a few years know and only my sister knows about it. I like other boys more then i like girls but my parents don't know im gay in fact they hate gays my mum even said to me "i hate gays they can burn in hell for all i care" and i couldn't help but wonder if that's what Jesus would have said. i mean you never hear about gays in my church and even on the one sermon you do hear it, its always its bad its evil those people will go to hell. you know i thought church was to come and feel welcomed and loved but i don't i wanna leave my church but my parents wont let me. i have know slipped into depression because of this the church has made me feel so lonely and an outcast. i cant help the way i feel can i? if i would be straight i would be in a sec but I've prayed and been church and asked for help yet im still gay plus i am addicted to gay porn and i masturbate which is part of the reason im not a christian atm nothings helping i have seen professional help but all i want to do is just die i really do i think about death all the time and have started cutting myself all over my stomach arms and legs. if i do come out what will happen i don't want to loose my church friends or my church but i don't feel i belong there anymore i thought God called us to love everybody no matter what but i guess i must of missed the except gays part. I like this guy who doesn't know i exist and i don't know whether he is gay or not but i saw a photo of him on Facebook shirtless and i just i don't know felt something weird and wished i could be with him :( i hate myself for failing to be a christian and being gay i have no support in this area and wish i was dead. Sometimes its embarrassing but i wish my life was inside a movie because at least in there i would get a happy ending not like this life and i get so depressed over it i don't know why i am afraid if i come out i will loose my church friends and family and i don't want that yet i feel like they don't know me i live a different life a lie plus i feel like an outcast there anyways so why do i bother i don't know
please can somebody help me all i want is to feel loved for who i am and feel accepted for who i am not what i am.
p.s my parents are very christian people and i know for a fact they will not be happy and will never accept me for being gay they hate gays to the max i know them and i know they wont like it and wont accept me please help me