Anyone experienced domestic violence / abuse from their partner? Do they ever change?

Please try not to judge me. I was that woman that use to comment on other women who experienced domestic abuse from their partners, I always said I would never let anyone treat me like that and wow how the tables have turned. It's been a gradual thing over many years, what started as just an act of lost control from my partner has resulted in repeat instances of broken furniture and 'arguments', might happen once a month might happen more or less, it's hard to predict. When my partner's miserable, in a mood whatever I always get the brunt of it. It generally starts with nitpicking from his side, which results in something being broke, i'll react to the broken item then that's when he'll start on me throwing verbal abuse - he calls me a slag, uses our children against me, says hurtful things about my family and generally just shows so much anger towards me. I don't back in to a corner, I stand and speak my mind whether he likes it or not. I just want this anger to stop, but it's now been going on for nearly 3 years and although we've sat down and I've tried to help him with his anger issues as much as I can I don't know what to do anymore. I phoned the police on him for damaging a couple of doors in the house, in hope it might give him a kick up the bum, I thought it had, but after a while things have become bad again. I tell him i deserve to be treat with respect, stop breaking things, but he has an excuse for everything. He tells me he's not 'one of them men', because he doesn't beat down on me he thinks it's ok, but he has been physical generally grabbing or pushing. I've done everything for this guy and I can't understand why he shows so much anger towards me. I've tried to kick him out before when he's been abusive but he won't leave, i've tried to call the police but he smashed the house phone up and hid my mobile so I couldn't call anyone. He uses the kids against me by saying he'll take them away. The house is in my name only for a reason but I can't seem to get the strength to get him out of the house. He'll be all apologetic and tell me he loves me and agrees with everything I have to say about his behaviour and becomes the person I fell in love with (for a short while anyway), this is so confusing because i'm left wondering is that it, have I got through to him, is he going to stop now. It's about me and the kids now but I honestly don't know how I go about leaving him. Financially i'm only just starting to get my life a little better (when he isn't smashing everything) and if i leave I'll just be having debt follow me and will have to pay for damages he has caused, staying will allow me to repair any damages in my own time. I'm pregnant with my second child to this guy, work full time atm. I've been thinking about getting a non molestation order, but I don't know how to go about it or even if it will work. I don't know if I have any strength left to have to deal with this anymore. Any help/advice from anyone who has been in a similar place will be much appreciated.

4 Answers

  • 8 years ago
    Favourite answer

    Abusers rarely change. You must think of your children first. This man is violent, and you deserve better.

    Document everything; take photographs of his destruction. Squirrel away money and the. Got to the police or a women's shelter. Tell them you are afraid for your life and the lives of your children. This man is dangerous and you are pregnant. They will help you start fresh.

    Don't stay around hoping things will get better. This guy will only end up killing you! Run now while you still can!

    Good luck!

    Source(s): Experience
  • 8 years ago

    My sister has had a couple of relationships like this, she's unfortunately still in one... I dunno how, but she attracts some hum-dingers...

    Anyway, these are all the things I've seen from my sisters' relationships. But the first thing you need to think of, is your kids. They are the number one priority. Imagine growing up in a household with a violent and bad-tempered father. That is their home, the environment that is supposed to be their safety-zone.

    Then you need to think of yourself. Is this the life you saw yourself living, the person you imagined spending your life with? Are you happy? Do you feel safe? You deserve more than this, and you need to have the respect and power within yourself to just stand up and say no, once and for all. It's an awful trap and circle to fall in to, since you may occasionally see things get better. They will apologise for their behaviour, they will be sorry - they are scared, as are you.

    The same pattern happens with my sister. He's a nice guy, when he isn't angry. They'll have colossal arguements, he'll call her a fat-****, threaten with knives... then they'll stop and talk about it, he'll calm down and apologise in tears... then literally days later the same will happen. He's even squared up to me before when I asked him to leave the house, and he's a built guy... But she still took him on, even after that. Two years on, it's still the same for them.

    I, along everyone else no doubt, urge you to leave. They may be sorry, but they will not change. I advise you find a family member/close friend that will help you and let you stay with them for a while. Perhaps take the kids over first, then confront your partner. The strength is inside you (cheesy as it sounds), but it's up to you to let it out. You are fully capable to protect your kids and yourself, just be aware of what needs to be done to do it. Good luck.

  • 8 years ago

    i myself just got out of a abusive marriage. it started out with him having major anger issues and very jealous. our fights just kept getting worse. he also put holes in my walls. then he started to put his hands on me. i know exactly how you feel when you said you tried to kick him out but he wouldnt leave. i been there too. one night it got so bad he punched me in the head i grabbed my phone to call the cops and when i was going for the phone he snatched it away from me and broke it. so i got it my car and just started driving like a crazy person, running red lights swerving all over the road. i really just wanted a cop to pull me over i was in desperate need of help and my husband was following behind. the last straw for me was when he woke me up in the middle of the night with his hands around my neck. i now have a restraining order against him and hes in jail. the best advice i can give to you is you will leave when YOU'RE ready to leave. knowing how this feels first hand, no matter what anyone said to me or how bad it got, i had to be the one to decide when enough was enough. just keep in mind that you deserve a lot better and divorce for me is a relief. im no longer walking on egg shells and i can finally relax. good luck sis!

  • 8 years ago

    Unfortunately, he will not change. You need to find the strength to leave him. Since you are pregnant the courts and cops will give you the protection you need. Issuing a restraining order, and they can drive down your block on a regular basis.

    You need to understand that he will not change, and stop making excuses for him and find the strength to leave. You can do it. Good Luck!

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