What do you think of this scene? Appropriate in Young Adult novels?
Note: This contains a graphic act of non-consent sexual attempt. If you feel uncomfortable about that, don't read it! I don't want to upset you. :/
*This isn't the full chapter. This is just the scene.
Ch: Angels and Demons and Us Mere Mortals Too...
"Shall we walk?" Ishan asked.
"Ya," Shreya answered, not very enthusiastic.
They started off walking down, down the same path as Ron and Shreya had been going; walking silently, till they reached the gates of the mansion. Then, some things happened so quickly, that Shreya couldn't fully understand the full detail. All she realised was that Ishan had grabbed her hard and strong and pinned her against the boundary wall. He was now grabbing her waist furiously, and hugging her rather intimately, hands going everywhere.
"Stop!" she shouted, or she thought she shouted; pushing against his chest with her hands. The action was useless, he was too strong -- he only pulled her closer. His lips touched the skin of her neck.
"No!" Shreya tried to scream, but the words came out much softer. Her skin burned every time his lips touched it. She tried to resist him again, pushing his chest. Muscles clenched under her palms...She could feel his heart's throb..."Please!" she begged, nails clawing into his t-shirt. He jerked her hand away from his chest; it caught his 'Angel Wing'. He forced her hands away from their bodies, holding them firmly. His chain and charm hung onto her right hand, which he forced against the wall.
"Why, Ishan?" she whispered.
"Why him, not me?" he replied and Shreya suddenly felt her body stop its struggle. The words made her feel dirty, and her body decided to submit to him as an impact. He let go of the hands. They slid down to her side, the 'Wing' dropping down to the ground. Silent tears poured out of her eyes.
His lips moved down her neck, each touch forcing her soul away from her. He was crushing her very being now. Her soul was disgusted. A soul so pure, untouched...It didn't want his filthy desire's grope. It was moving away. Far away. Deeper, into a place where Shreya could never retrieve it from. She could just blankly stared at the moonless sky.
Suddenly, something jerked her back to life. His hands were going inside her top! Half-way up already, and suddenly, her senses were back. She could smell the stench of alcohol coming from him and see the hungry fire in his beastly blue eyes.Energy sparked back in her, and she grabbed his hand before it reached any further up. He had violated her mentally, but she wasn't going to let him do so physically. A sharp pain on her bottom left rib made her realise she was no match for him. Tears rolled down her cheek; everything was going dark now...her eyes were seeing dark...
And suddenly, there was light! Lots of light! Bright light! Light that almost blinded her. Ishan's weight on her seemed to decrease. Or was he being pulled away from her? Blinking, Shreya saw, through a haze of tears, a strong, tall angel throwing Ishan away from her, who had to stagger before balancing back to his feet.
Shoiab reached an arm out to Shreya, who sunk into it. Ishan made a move, but Shoiab was holding onto his fist, stopping him.
"You f**king c**t!" Shoiab shouted, "You inhumane bastard! You sister-sleeper, motherfucker!" Shoiab was shaking with rage. Shreya cowered against his chest. "Come an inch closer, and we will have your dead body here!" This was a Shoiab neither Shreya nor Ishan had seen...they all knew the human teenager Shoaib, failing to notice the man he had grown up into...an angel. Ironically, Ishan's 'Angel Wing' was under Shoiab's foot...Like a fallen angel had helped another rise up higher...
Shoiab walked Shreya into his car, which was parked literally outside the gate, headlights lighting up the crime scene. Soon the engine revved, silencer let out a gust of smoke and the wheels created a cloud of dust in front of Ishan. Then, it sped away, taking Shreya and Shoiab far away from that pathetic excuse of a man...
Don't bother with line by line editing or critique...I am definitely rewriting this! I just want to know how the idea sunk in. I know that you will not know the characters well enough, but for basics, Shreya is a model, who works for Ron's dad's brand, Lux.They are both 17. A few weeks back, Ron proposed Shreya, but she refused as she always thought of him as a friend. Then Shreya started to date Ishan, who is a steroid-abusing pace bowler. (He just turned 18) She helped him overcome his need to take the drug to perform. But now, he is turning into a obsessive and jealous boyfriend, who can't bear to watch Shreya and Ron work together (Shreya still works for Lux.) Shoiab is the guy in universal friendzone! (he is best friends with Ishan, as he is a cricketer too, and Shreya through I. He loves S, but doesn't want to reveal it to her as she is his best friend's gf)
See how the actual incident is written, I don't want to underplay or overplay it. Is it too gr
- Jonnie CometLv 57 years agoFavourite answer
The content is fine for a YA novel, especially since you don't detail any consummation. Avoid it in other places and it'll be fine. (Think BBFC '12' in film ratings.)
You might tone down the swear words. No matter what you might like to think, YA publishers won't go with the two with asterisks in. By putting them there you suspected they were suspect on Yahoo! anyway. Change the words-- it won't matter so much if you find something more acceptable (and wittier), because the notion remains intact that Shoiab is exasperated with and disrespectful towards Ishan. (Eliminate 'motherfucker' too.) The main thing is that Shreya has been saved from Ishan and that Shoiab rises to an attitude of wanting to kill him in her defence, which is where the reader should be focussed because it's such a cool concept.
Mind your usage and grammar as well; you are missing a couple of articles in some places.
I do not like that the third-person narrator provides subjective commentary ('that pathetic excuse for a man'); but then I always believe that a third-person narrator should remain objective, avoid contractions and slang, and 'speak' in standard written and edited English (SWEE). Such lends the narration some credibility, makes the author look intelligent, and emphasises the dialogue, which is where you can really give bias, commit human faults and crimes, and put in swear words. Just remember a 'YA' audience is considered to be ages 11 to 14. That's where the publishers will want to market it (and where you will, if you market it) and that's who will be buying it. If it's not acceptable for comprehensive-school 7th-year curricula, it's not for 'YA'. Foul language is usually a sign of one's being inarticulate anyway-- if you're half a writer you can do without the taboo terms and still give us the idea you're going for.
* * *Source(s): I am an editor, educator, critic & author. Also, I read stuff :)
- 7 years ago
No, i don't think it's too bad, it's definitely intense, but not to graphic. This would be fine in a YA novel. There is definitely worse.
Good job with the story, it sounds amazing, :D
- Wickedly LovelyLv 47 years ago
It's a bit intense but I've read worse in a young adult novel.
- 7 years ago
It is a bit too sexual for a young adult novel but it isn't that bad, you don't mention anything much farther than kissing and groping so... It's very good writing though
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- 7 years ago
This is definitely appropriate for a young adult novel because you don't specifically mention any part of her body and it isn't too graphic,as for the extract in itself, you must improve the grammar and lead events onto each other more smoothly.